"So…" I turned to face them as they spoke to me,"Does it hurt? Being alone on this day?" Their question, more importantly their words hit me hard. I could clearly feel a pang on my chest as I tried to breathe into those words they had just said out loud: hurt, alone, this-day… I pondered upon their question for a moment, looking for the right words, the right answer. I couldn't just say whatever my mind wanted me to say or whatsoever I'd allowed myself to believe all the while. No. I ought to be honest; I thought to myself, least on this day, for this day. Thus, I let myself sink into the same old feeling, rewinding the whole thing inside my head, reliving those moments all over again.
December… This time, this date, last year, everything was so
different. Somehow clichéd, but undeniably special in its own
gist. I had always liked December. Well, who wouldn't? After all,
December brings with itself its unique magic that captivates the
soul of every single being alive. The joy it offers through the
first snowfall, the cool winter breeze, the bright Christmas
lights, so on and so forth. And last year, life gave me yet
another reason to love it all the more. The first time, it felt
as though Santa did really exist, for I received exactly what I
had longed for: to be with the man I've always adored. After
nearly 4 years of yearning, finally last December, I was with
him. For the very first time in years, he was there, not just in
my dreams, but in actuality, sharing with me his hopes, and
sharing with me the beautiful joy of December.
But as the Sun is sure to set every day to instil us the significance of light, as December itself is bound to end in due course to give us the true worth of the season, he too had to leave- for me to learn what Love was/is. And though what was there between us only lasted for a while to be called just a fling, which for him it indefinitely was, yet I knew; the day he did the leaving, I knew... I was in Love with this guy.
"Love", just the sound of it gives you butterflies in your stomach, literally. Hence, the fact that I got to truly feel it was irrefutably crucial. But, I had to learn the hard way that being in Love is just not enough for a relationship. Loving someone is not that easy. I knew I loved him but I also knew that he wasn't ready to hear those words, not from me. Keeping my love to myself was hurting me way too much, but saying those words to him would end up hurting him. There was no easy way out. No matter what, things weren't going to be pretty for us.
Now, as yet another December comes along, I find myself admiring the month, though for different reason this time: him. I know a part of me is still stuck in the same moment of this exact time on this exact date from last year. Who would've thought that everything that happened then would be gone in a year's time? But it did. Albeit I've never regretted being with him, nor have I ever regretted letting him go. I guess, sometimes, we have to spend more time without the ones we love than with them.
But, how on Earth was I supposed to explain this to them, or to anyone else for that matter. If I put into words all these overwhelming emotions I have inside of me, if I speak the things that are only meant to be felt, wouldn't they but lose their significance? Would people even begin to understand if I told them that I wouldn't mind a bit of loneliness and hurt on this day, for I've captured in my heart the happiest moment from last year? Would they know that I was in love with him, without me having to say it out loud? For a while, I just stayed there, not speaking, not looking. Few seconds past I felt something warm wetting my eyes at the same time that my lips wore the biggest smile. I looked up. They looked at me for a second, their face blank as they tried to study mine. And then, they gave me a familiar smile and nodded. In that moment, I knew. I knew that they knew, and that they finally understood…….....