Have you ever had the feeling of being in love? The feeling of being so high off the ground and not wanting to come down. Having that other person there with you and not wanting them to go. Having him hold you so close to him and just looking into his eyes. Feeling so at peace. Kissing him and feeling thousands of butterflies rush thru your stomach. Putting your hand up against his and locking your fingers together. Having the guy you’ve always dreamed of being the guy you practically grew up with.
Have you ever had the feeling of being used? Taken for granted. The feeling of being forgotten. Betrayed in a way. Left on the side of the curb to die. Maybe not left to die but something pretty damn close to that. Having the person you’ve always wanted to be with be the guy who makes you feel like a textbook. You only use it when you need it and when you don’t its thrown back in the closet and you forget all about it.
I’ve had both these feelings. And let me tell you it’s a bitter sweet situation. I’ve had the guy I grew up with make me feel like a million dollars and the next day have me feel useless. We were never the type to actually own up to how we felt about each other but we surely had the feelings. Our parents were like best friends, which is sort of the bad part. We would all get together on the weekends which in the beginning I loved because I had a lot of fun with this particular guy. All this was way before him and I ever had anything going on. Anyways, fast forwarding to all the interesting stuff. It all started off one day when me and him were playing x-box in his room, WWE to be exact; he was messing with my phone while he was giving me a chance to beat him. I had a game of truth or are on my phone and we started to play. At first it had all started off with all the goofy dares and real innocent ones but that only lasted a little while. Thing got a little more fun. With the whole giving a massage and sucking fingers and of course the whole lip biting. That was his dare, bite my lip. I was nervous as hell! I really liked him but I had never told him that. He didn’t show any hesitation, it was more on my part. I gave in and clearly I didn’t know what I was doing. My lips were shaky and my hangs as well , he leaned in and got super close to me he looked into my eyes and back down to my lips, I looked away and right when I looked away he grabs my chin and pulls me in for a kiss. That was our very first kiss. From that point on it’s like everything and anything I would do there was always something that would make me want to kiss him again. This was back in the day when people would still forward those silly messages with what numbers would you give me and you have 1-8 and things like boyfriend girlfriend friend nothing friends with benefits and so on. I remember one day he sent me one of those forwards and I resent it to him and he replied with the number of a girlfriend and friends with benefits. I of course did the same. We never really went anywhere other than just being friends so I guess you could say we were your typical friends with benefits. I didn’t mind it at all because our parents would probably be stricter on us if we were to have been dating. Oh that’s another thing our parents have never in the past 4 years that this has been going on, known about this little situation. It’s been our little secret. Anyways back to my story after the whole texting and all he would ask me for picture and tell me I’m pretty. There was this one time where he wrote my name on his chest and I wrote his name on my side. The next day we were going swimming with our families and I had taken off his name with nail polish remover because silly me wrote his name in sharpie. I remember when we showed up at the pool he didn’t go. His parents and siblings went but he didn’t go. When I got home he texted me asking how the pool went and I said it was fun and asked why he didn’t go and he had said “I was but I couldn’t get your name off my chest so I couldn’t go” I remember I laughed so hard because he sent me a picture and his chest all red from all the scrubbing he had. I was falling for this guy and I didn’t even know it.
The day of his graduation was great I remember going down to the field and looking for him and hugging him and feeling all happy for him, after we went to his house to eat and we were all playful like we’ve always been and he would grab me from my waist when no one was looking and it would just put a huge smile on my face. Everything we did had to be hidden we would hold hands when no one was looking and sneak little kisses when no one was around. It was cute.
This all went on for a couple years and I didn’t have a problem with it because everything was the same. It wasn’t until around last year that he started getting all weird. He wouldn’t txt me as much and when I would txt him I just felt like I was bothering him. We stopped talking for a while but when he would come over it would all start again we would sit in my den and he would play the piano while I would sit next to him and just listen. When he would stop he would lean in and give me a kiss and then continue playing. The songs he played were always love songs and I don’t know if he would play the just because or if he was trying to hint something. I always liked when he played the piano just watching him and everything made me just want him even more. And when he would sing, ugh! That was just even better. But those were the only times I would talk to him I would wait for his text when he would leave but I never got anything. I was so used to getting his text whenever one of us would leave and all that just stopped.
I remember the day I knew I was really in love with him was Easter weekend. Him and his sister and brother stayed over at my house because he works with my mom and she thought it would be a good idea for them to car pool the next day. Anyways we have an extra bed in the den which was where he was going to stay. I ignored him when he was here and I was just spending time with his sister that was until she fell asleep. I remember he came into my room and we just sat on my bed and watched TV he would hold my hand under the pillow because his sister kept waking up. When she was for sure asleep he took the pillow away and pulled me up closer to him. We were watching TV and everything and he was all telling me how he couldn’t sleep unless his mom gave him a goodnight kiss. Me being a little slow I didn’t get the hint and was all making fun of him. That when he asked me if I would give him one. I of course said sure. Later during the night my room was getting very hot and he kept complaining about it so I said “it's getting in here so take of all your clothes” he of coarse took it literally. He kissed me and asked me to help him take off his shirt. I didn’t hesitate. Things got so intense that I had forgotten his sister was asleep right next to us. Everything felt like in the movies. He had me sitting on top of him and he picked up and I wrapped my legs around him and he put me up against the wall and started kissing me. It all felt so perfect. We ended up back on my bed and he started taking my shirt off. That’s about as far as we got because his brother started looking for him so he had to go. Letting him leave my room was hard I didn’t want him to go I wanted him to stay with me. I was planning on having sex or anything I just wanted him to be there and just hug me. But of course he couldn’t stay I kissed him goodnight and let him go. The next morning before he left he came up to my room and kissed me goodbye. I thought it was the cutest thing ever I didn’t even mind him having woke me up.
Now here comes the bad part. That was the last time me and him practically talked would cry over him because I felt so used. I would dream of him being with me and I remember in one of my dreams we were both laying on my bed looking at each other and when I woke up there was this empty space where he was in my dream. It had all felt so real but at the same time so unreal. Every since then things between me and him have not been the same. And I miss him like crazy but I just don’t have the damn strength to tell him that. I miss the way things were. I miss how different things would be if me and him were together. I wonder if he ever even thinks of me as much as I think of him. I wonder if I ever cross his mind as much as he crosses mine. I wonder if he still feels the same way. There’s still times when I see him and he looks at me the same way he used to look at me or ill catch him starring at me when I’m talking to another guy. When he hugs me its as if he doesn’t want to let me go. I don’t know what goes thru his mind and we don’t talk which makes all this soo much harder.