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This is part of a story my best friend and I are writing. We've never written anything before but we both enjoy it very much. I feel like I can't trust anyone's feedback that knows me because they have to be nice to me. Lol. I am really open to some, gentle, constructive criticism since this is a work in progress. Anything helps. My co-author is a genius and I am very intimidated. Thank you.


Submitted:Feb 1, 2013    Reads: 5    Comments: 1    Likes: 1   


They stood in front of the primordial gate and the smell of rust and oil seem to permeate the lining of their noses until the aroma of iron infiltrated their taste buds. At once, a cold chill ran through Dustin but it wasn't just a chill. It was something tangible, something that went reverberating through her body. A vibration that began at the core of her. But it was as if the epicenter were not in her body but in her very soul. Something had reached into her and grabbed the essence of her being and was shaking her to the core. Dustin felt accosted as if standing in the presence of this archaic capsule she could feel it had its very own energy rocking her from inside. The vibration grew, blurring her vision, making her feel queasy. Wave after nauseating wave rolled over and through her. The light began to fade and blackness began to surround her. Her vision was distorted like looking through rain on a window. She looked at Jaxon and he seemed to be off kilter. Like a metronome rocking to the slowest beat until the tunnel closed in around him. The muffled whomp whomp whomp in her ears was deafening and drowned the rest of the world away. She felt as if she were sinking, slipping away. Her chest felt paralyzed and refused to obey the command to breath. Pulled deeper and deeper into an unfamiliar abyss, she wanted to scream but nothing in her body would work. And then without warning a bright light appeared ahead.

It was as small as a pinpoint but grew as if it were coming closer. It seemed to expand quickly, making her jump. But then to retract ever so slightly almost as if it was as unsure about her as she was of it. But it grew larger and strangely enough warmer. She was in a void and the only thing that existed was the light. She squinted to look into it but not to shield her eyes, it was a sweet sensation it gave her, no, she squinted because she wanted to look deeper into the light. She could almost make out silhouettes of people. People made of light. They were the most brilliant colors swirling and lighting her way. One thing she was becoming certain people were in the light and love was there too. It began to beckon her and she welcomed it. Surely in the light she could breath. It was healing her with every moment that passed. She felt the heat on her face like the sun on a warm spring day. All her cares seem to melt in its warmth. She didn't care where she was, who she was, or if she was even breathing. It continued to beckon her. She wanted to surround herself in it. Bathe in the light, let its warmth wash over her. She wanted it to be a part of her. She wanted to drink it in and invite it into her so that she and the light could be one. But something from even deeper inside, told her to beware of the symbiotic relationship she lusted for now. But she didn't care, she wanted it. If she could just touch it maybe she could satisfy this need for it and then find her way back from wherever she was now, back to the world she remembered. Her hand was stretched out, so near to it that the heat nearly ignited her fingers . . .

But just like that she was back. Back in that dank hallway with Jaxon in front of her as if nothing ever had happened. Her hand was still stretched out reaching for her beautiful elusive light but now in its place was this grey hard world, void of color and light compare to where she had just been.

Jaxon had been looking up the elevator shaft as if it could provide him some long sought after answers. "I can't really guarantee this thing is safe," he said straining to straighten up. He was holding on the wall framing the elevator shaft to keep from falling in but as he brought his arms down he looked at Dustin and couldn't believe what he was seeing. She was standing there with a thin film of sweat like dew on her face, her eyes were glassed over, she was staring off into the distance, and her hand was reaching out for some unknown object. Her hand finally came to rest on the wall to her left. He thought she might faint.





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