1 OPENING CREDITS
2 EXT. OBSERVATORY.
JOHN pulls up in his car.
The Tardis whizzes down through space, burning up.
4 EXT. OBSERVATORY.
JOHN walks inside. MARK - 21, excitable, nerdy - is
5 INT. OBSERVATORY.
Hey John! Saturn looks
particularly phosphorescent today
My thoughts exactly!
He walks into the Observatory kitchen and makes himself a
cup of tea.
6 EXT. MARS
The Tardis flies past Mars, getting nearer Earth.
7 INT. OBSERVATORY.
JOHN walks back from the kitchen, and sits at his
desk. He sips on tea. He then notices some weird
Mark... come and have a look at
MARK, who is sitting at another piece of equipment,
on his chair to the computer.
What is it?
Look at these readings.
John points out the screen. On it, there is a scanner,
with a UFO drifting nearer and nearer...
8 EXT. OBSERVATORY.
A small piece of rock is falling from the sky, burning up
in the atmosphere. It lands in a small forest.
9 INT. OBSERVATORY.
Woah! A meteor!
MARK dashes about the room in excitement - for Mark is as
nerdy as anyone can be - and collects several sheets of
paper. He rapidly begins writing down the results that
appear on the screen.
But, how did it go undetected?
It's impossible for something on
that scale to go unnoticed.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Both faces jolt up to the screen. Over 20 more dots
appear, and are incoming.
10 EXT. OBSERVATORY.
20 UFOS fall from the sky and burn up. The flames prevent
any sight of what the UFO is.
11 INT. OBSERVATORY.
Oh my good sweet Photons!
He dances about in excitement and runs out the door. He
looks over to the forest, where smoke ominously rises from
the point of crash...
12 INT. FOREST.
Smoke rises from several crashed spaceships. A Gloff -
big, scary, bold - steps out of one.
Darka Moho. Shick Ga Moho Bish
Other Gloff emerge from the crashed spaceships, revealing
that this is an entire battle force!
MAHOKA FATTATA TARDIS!!
MAHOKA FATTATA TARDIS!!
The Gloff hold up their guns in chant, and begin
through the forest for something...
13 EXT. OBSERVATORY.
(dizzy from excitement)
Let's go down to the forest and
examine the rock, before anyone
else find it! The information
there could be proved
Yeah, okay. Hang on, let me get
John wanders back into the observatory into fetch his
Mark can't wait.
Oh, he'll catch me up!
Mark runs down into the forest.
14 INT. OBSERVATORY.
JOHN walks back into the observatory to fetch his coat.
John twitches in shock. He slowly turns around. There is
a microphone fitted in to the computer, but it isn't
turned on. John gives it a try, however...
Ah, good, it is you. I was
worried it would be Mark Simpson,
in which case my mysterious
entrance would have been ruined.
John stares at the speaker in disbelief.
Though, I probably ruined it
anyway be telling you that. But,
that isn't the point. ... Are you
I - yes...
Good, here's what I need you
to. Get me a Microwave
transmitter - the latest, if you
don't mind, a processing pack -
any sort will do, and perhaps a
few atom blasters. Oh, and which
planet am I on?
Hold on. What!? Who are you?
Oh, for Rassilon's sake, I've not
fallen onto a Level 5 planet,
John, being an intelligent man, runs up to the console
presses a button.
What... what are you doing?
I've traced your waves, you're
coming from the forest! But...
You WHAT? But, WHAT? You
idiot! Now they'll find-
The speaker buzzes.
Grah sha nahquam loho!
Speaker goes dead. John is stood, unsure what to make of
Um. Mark... ?
Mark... ? MARK!
He runs out of Observatory.
MARK runs through the forest, frantically trying to find
the rock. But nothing can prepare him for what he
finds. A landed - not crashed - spaceship, about the size
of small shed.
Aaah! Incredible!! Absolutely
A Gloff emerges from behind a tree.
It pulls out a device which seems to scan a blue light
...What!? No, stop!
Mark's voice speaks through the machine, as if recorded.
Language assimilated. I will
transmit this information
shortly. But first, defend your
Mark slowly backs away.
Your existence deemed
unsatisfactory. Prepare for
SHOT FROM ABOVE TREETOP. SCREAMING.
Gloff walks past ship - and past Mark's body - and speaks
into its speaker trapped to its hand.
Yoo yoo moha Earth
English. Dreary Looha. Gah
Tardis. Moota Observatory!
JOHN walks down the hill, unnerved. Then he hears
something, and stops still.
Stomp-Stomp. Stomp-Stomp. Stomp-Stomp.
Coming from the forest. He stares incredulously.
WIDE SHOT, OF 100 GLOFF MARCHING OUT OF THE FOREST.
SHOT OF JOHN RUNNING UP THE HILL.
SHOT OF THE GLOFF RUNNING, IN CHASE.
17 INT. OBSERVATORY.
JOHN runs in. He fails to note the extra table, on its
side. He stares out the window, towards the 100 Gloff
advancing to the observatory.
He darts around, and picks up a metal pipe, to defend
That won't get you very far.
John screams in fright, and jumps back against the
wall. The Author - ageless, observant, intelligent - is
standing behind the overturned table.
Hello! You're John Miller?
...Yes. It is. But that's
unimportant, what is important is
that machine there!
The Author points to the computer.
What do you want with it?
The Gloff - those creatures, out
The Author points at the window.
- I assume you've noticed them -
want to find me. I don't know
why, maybe they want to kill me,
or capture me. But I don't plan
on letting them.
...Right. Now, I can't help
noticing those - Gloff, you said
- are getting closer...
Yes, I can deal with that -
later. But now, they can trace
me with this...
He pulls out a SONIC DEVICE from a pocket, and presses
button. He aims it at the computers, and it buzzes.
The computers explode with smoke.
You - What - No - STOP!
The Author continues.
The Author continues to continue. John, in despair, runs
up to him with the pipe and hits him on the back. The
Author flies back over the table and falls behind
it. John checks he's alive, which he is. Then,
panicking, John runs to check the computers. They are
The door is knocked down, and the GLOFF storm in, in
On your knees, human, and state
The equipment is destroyed sir.
Sabotage? Your plea is
irrelevant, as you have stepped
in the way of justice. Execute
The many Gloff all hold up a gun/laser at John. John has
at this point backed away near the table.
The Author quickly grabs him and pulls him into the
table. The Gloff fire at it, but it doesn't do much
good. The table then dematerialises.
It's half there...
A faint trace is left...
It is gone.
The Gloff walk outside.
18 EXT. OBSERVATORY.
Search through this
primitive building in the
chance more valuable
information can be
found. If not, destroy the
19 INT. TARDIS.
WIDE SHOT OF TARDIS.
It's bigger on the inside!
THE AUTHOR darts about the console, fiddling with this,
fiddling with that...
THE SHOT LURCHES TO THE SIDE, AS IT TAKES OFF.
The Author holds on but the author falls. It is a very,
very rough journey.
Hold on tight!
It gets bumpier.
JOHN falls again after trying to get up. He holds onto a
piece of the console and pulls himself up.
The Author continues making adjustments to the panel, and
the Tardis stabilises, though it is still rocking a bit.
John, half hyperventilating with shock, looks around.
A... A table...
He notices the door, and runs to it.
John opens the door.
GREENSCREEN SHOT, REVEALS THEY ARE FLYING IN THE AIR.
20 EXT. TARDIS.
A TABLE is flying about above a village, with smoke
out of it.
21 INT. TARDIS.
THE AUTHOR pulls JOHN back into the Tardis, who falls on
the floor. The Author slams the door shut, ignores John,
and runs for the console.
Land, land... I need to land!
22 EXT. TARDIS.
The flying TABLE, out of control, descends to the village.
23 INT. TARDIS.
A small explosion occurs on the console. THE AUTHOR
No, they'll see me...
He punches down onto a button.
The Tardis then rattles and lurches even more than
for several seconds.
JOHN is holding on for dear life.
Eventually, it stops.
The Author finds some kind of sonic fire extinguisher (or
something) and puts out the fires. He then looks at John.
Sorry about that. But then, if
you hadn't knocked me out we'd
have had more time to escape, so
that journey was your own doing.
John stands up, and is speechless with shock for a
but comes to his senses.
He then looks at his hand, and realises he cut it.
Ah! My hand!
Blood drips onto the floor of the Tardis.
The Author runs over, bends down and looks at the
blood. He swipes his finger across it, and looks at it,
He then licks the blood, and gets up. John looks at him
What is this? Where am I? Is it
It's called The Tardis - Time and
Relevant Dimensions In Space!
... Follow me!
THE AUTHOR steps out the door, into a small village. The
Tardis has taken the form of a TELEPHONE BOX.
So, we've landed-
He notices it's a phone box.
But, it was a table!
You don't seriously think I
always choose it to look like a
table, do you? It changes to
suit its surroundings, to blend
in, so to speak. You wouldn't
John stares at him.
Who are you? The Gloff wanted
I'm hungry. Aren't you hungry?
That's a shop over there,
right? I'm hungry.
The Author walks to the shop, and goes inside. John,
25 INT. SHOP.
A sandwich please.
The Author hands THE CASHIER - 40, pleasant, quiet -
money. She takes it, and hands him a SANDWICH.
26 EXT. SHOP.
THE AUTHOR walks out and sits on a bench with his
JOHN sits down next to him.
So tell me. Who exactly are you?
You know as much as I do. See, I
can't remember anything about
My first memory is being in the
Tardis, crashing, with the Gloff
chasing me - roughly half an hour
ago. Some knowledge is
instinctive, like I know this is
a Tardis, and my name is The
John reacts. The Author? What a bizarre name!
27 EXT. OBSERVATORY.
The GLOFF storm out of Observatory.
No information found. Destroy
All the Gloff fire at the observatory, and it EXPLODES.
AERIAL FX SHOT. BOOM!
28 EXT. SHOP.
How can you just be The
Author? What Author? Author
The Author. That's all you need
to know. And evidently, all I
need to know too.
Okay, so the Gloff want you, and
you don't know why. Why did you
I tried to find the nearest
intelligence, and unfortunately
it was only you.
Then why did you destroy my
Since you used it to figure out
my location, the Gloff could
too. Not that it matters now;
they'll find me here. I need to
get back to The Tardis...
CLARICE - 45, scared, annoying - runs across the street.
She recognises John.
John! Thank goodness, you're
safe! Have you see my Mark? -
The Author and John stand up.
Sorry? What happened to the
It exploded! I saw it! John,
was Mark in there?
No, no he wasn't.
Relief spreads through Clarice's body.
Oh, that's superb! Where did he
The Author is getting bored.
Don't mind me...
The Author walks to the PHONE BOX.
I. I don't know. Um. Excuse
John follows The Author into the PHONE BOX.
Clarice watches, bemused.
29 INT. TARDIS.
THE AUTHOR runs around the console - as he normally does
flicking switches, turning knobs...
JOHN walks in.
I thought you'd follow me. I
don't mind the company - I can
say my thoughts out-loud to you -
but please, don't knock me out
The Author pulls a lever, dramatically.
No, no, no... NO!
The Author runs around the console some more, fiddling
with bits of the Tardis.
Is it broken?
Overheated, yeah... We'll need to
wait a while. But they'll be
coming! the Gloff will know I am
here! This whole village is in
danger while I stay here...
30 ANOTHER HILL.
AERIAL SHOT, OF 100 GLOFF, MARCHING TOWARDS VILLAGE.
GROUND SHOT, OF THE FRONT LINE, MARCHING...
31 INT. TARDIS.
By the time the Tardis cools
down, they'll be here! They
might even get in! I wish I knew
The Author, very annoyed, drags his hands over his face.
Can't we fight them?
No, they have atom-blasters. We
wouldn't stand a chance.
Evacuate the village?
Not enough time.
That seems the most likely
option, yeah... Although...
It's dangerous. I shouldn't make
a habit of it, or my body would
grow too weak...
A habit of what?
I can link myself to the Tardis
and jump-start it, if you like,
to cool it down. I think I'm
compatible with it and could do
it without killing myself. But
it will require an enormous
amount of energy from me; I don't
know how long I'd be out cold
But wouldn't they still attack
Not if they see me! Right, let's
The Author pulls some wires from the Tardis. He attaches
some to himself, and some to the Tardis.
MONTAGE: THE GLOFF, MARCHING ON THEIR WA
33 INT. TARDIS.
The Author slams down a button.
SHOT OF TARDIS LURCHES TO SIDE, AS IT TAKES OFF.
The Author screams, being electrocuted.
JOHN jumps back, unable to help, terrified.
The GLOFF continue to march...
Until, a flying TELEPHONE BOX whizzes over them.
They look up.
Identified as Tardis! Deal out
The Gloff fire at the Tardis, but their atom-blasters
miss. The Tardis then dematerialises.
35 INT. TARDIS.
THE SHOT IS VIOLENTLY SHAKING.
EXPLOSIONS! Everywhere! Sparks fly off the console!
THE AUTHOR screams, more.
JOHN is thrown onto the ground.
John opens his eyes.
The Author is on the floor, unconscious.
John gets up, and looks around. He tentatively moves to
the door, and slowly opens it.
JOHN walks out from behind a tree. He is in the forest!
MARK'S body is on the floor of the forest. John runs up
to it, and checks for a heartbeat.
There is none.
Turn around slowly and put your
hands in the air. Human.
John turns around and puts his hands in the air.
THE SHOT REVEALS HE IS SITTING IN FRONT OF A SPACESHIP.
You have been sighted with The
Author! You will be taken inside
The Gloff points at the ship.
John stands up, and enters.
37 INT. GLOFF SPACESHIP.
JOHN walks through a corridor.
THE GLOFF follows him, holding the atom-blaster.
Move in there!
The Gloff points to a door. John goes through it. Inside
there is a TUBE with a door.
What is it?
John unwillingly opens the door and steps inside.
The Gloff presses a button on his nearby control panel,
and John screams.
It is a torture chamber!
That is only an example of the
pain you will feel if you do not
answer my questions.
He screams more.
He cannot hear you. Tell me
where The Author is.
What do you want with him?
To capture him, or kill him if we
Now tell me!
John screams even more.
Until it stops. He falls to the bottom of the tube,
Human physiology is far too weak.
St... stop... Please...
It shall continue to give you
pain until you tell me where The
Oh, my, I am popular.
John looks up, in hope.
The Gloff spins around and points the Atom Blaster at The
You are a prisoner of THE GLOFF!
Now, I once read a good book - I
forget the name - about this
creature that ate nothing but
cabbage. Every day, cabbage. It
was very weak - well, you would
be, only eating cabbage. Then
one day it tried a carrot, and
BANG! Tons of energy!
John and Gloff are confused.
See, earlier today, I ate the
first sandwich of my life. I
reckon I've only been in
existence for a short amount of
time, so my body is converting
energy at a higher rate than it
should be! So putting my energy
into the Tardis did knock me out,
but eating that sandwich managed
to revitalise me.
Cease talking! You will make
your way to the prison sector!
Oh, will I now? And what of my
He will be executed for helping
the escape of a prisoner.
You call knocking me out,
'helping me escape'? anything he
aught to be rewarded! But...
Check your records. I'm not the
prisoner you're looking for.
You are! There are photos!
Yes, yes, but you're no longer
looking for me. Check your
The Gloff looks into its arm communicator. After a
It is wrong! I have memories of
There has been a mistake. Scan
The Gloff pulls out a SCANNER, and scans The Author.
John is confused. Human? Why is that optional?
So I can't possibly be the man
you're searching for. I believe
we're both free to leave.
The Gloff grunts angrily, but has no choice. It turns and
storms out of the room.
The Author uses his SONIC DEVICE to open John's cell, and
John falls out.
The Author helps him up.
How... I, I don't
understand! You're not human?
Let's get to the Tardis first, I
don't want to hang around.
THE AUTHOR and JOHN exit the Gloff spaceship, and find
their way to the Tardis.
39 INT. TARDIS.
THE AUTHOR and JOHN enter.
See, the Gloff are very
stupid. With the Tardis, I
hacked into their prisoner
accounts and set myself as
Why was the Gloff surprised about
you being human? Aren't you?
The Author smiles in a way that answers his question
No, I'm not human. I don't know
what I am, but it's not human.
I see... so how did you take the
form of being human?
Remember when you cut your arm
flying in the Tardis? And I
licked your blood? Yeah... I
took on a human form. It's very
primitive, and I'm surprised it
worked; else I'd have had to
think of something else very
fast. But then as I said, The
Gloff and their technology is
advanced, but very stupid.
So they're just going to go?
Ah... no. They're stupid, but
not that stupid. They'll figure
it out soon.
The GLOFF march into it.
Stop him, before he escapes!
41 INT. TARDIS.
I'm sorry, but we're in for
another rough ride.
JOHN despairs slightly.
The Author pulls a lever.
42 EXT. TARDIS. FOREST.
The Tardis/TREE shoots up intothe sky.
They are escaping! Into the
ships, and follow them!
44 INT. TARDIS.
It is very bumpy. SPARKS fly from the console.
45 EXT. TARDIS.
The Tardis, still a TREE, ascends into the night.
The GLOFF SHIPS take off, and fly into the sky, following
47 INT. TARDIS.
It stops. Calmness.
They'll follow us into space -
We're in space?
The Author presses a button, and the Scanner switches
on. Indeed, the Earth is shining below them, in all its
48 EXT. TARDIS - SPACE.
The Tardis has taken the form of a SATELLITE.
GLOFF SHIPS fly out from Earth, towards The Tardis.
49 INT. TARDIS.
Now, to dematerialise to they
cannot follow us...
The Author darts around the Tardis, pulling switches and
50 EXT. TARDIS - SPACE.
The GLOFF SHIPS are getting nearer and nearer...
SFX: ZOOM, WOOSH.
The Gloff ships begin firing upon the Tardis.
51 INT. TARDIS.
Once again the Tardis is shaking around.
Aaaaaaaaannnddd - DEMATERIALISE!!
52 EXT. TARDIS - SPACE.
The Tardis DEMATERIALISES. The GLOFF SHIPS stop.
53 INT. GLOFF SHIP.
Gone! He has gone! This mission
54 INT. TARDIS.
JOHN is getting his breath back.
THE AUTHOR steps back, smiling triumphantly.
Where did you take us?
Oh, come on!
The Author takes John over to the door, and opens
it. There it is! The Moon!
55 EXT. TARDIS - THE MOON.
John looks out upon the beautiful landscape. (Double
56 INT. TARDIS.
Good, isn't it?
The Author closes the door.
Now, the Gloff don't have the
knowledge to follow a
dematerialisation, so they'll
have to give up and go
home. Wherever that is.
So, will you take me back to
Earth? Oh, yes!
He reluctantly fiddles with the controls.
Although... what will you do
now? You've not got a job
anymore - I guess we're even for
you knocking me out. And your
co-worker is dead, so you've got
nobody to restart with.
Which is why I want you out of my
He begins setting the course for Earth.
Come to think of it, I don't know
what I'll do either. Travel
about in Time and Space I guess,
and try to find out who I am.
Time and space?
Yeah, this is a time machine...
John's eyes light up.
May... I see time travel?
The Author smiles.
Certainly, I need some
company. I could spend my entire
life looking through the Tardis
library for a book that contains
I know nothing about
myself! Except that there's a
book somewhere that contain my
memories. All I'd have to do is
open it, and my memories would
come back. But I don't know
where that book is. I've guessed
it's on the Tardis library, but I
could be completely wrong.
I hope you find it sometime.
Yeah. Me too.
So, let's go!
Anywhere! The past, the future -
anywhere we want! This is as new
to me as it is to you. Get ready
for time, AND SPACE!
The Author pulls a lever.
57 EXT. TARDIS - THE MOON.
The Tardis DEMATERIALISES.
58 END CREDITS.