The moon illuminated the ravaged landscape, casting deep conspiring shadows on the earth before becoming lost among the rain-swollen clouds.
From their position on a jagged outcrop, the hunting party tracked the movements of their prey. As still as if carved from the very ground they stood on they watched their quarry's cautious progress through the woods, unconditionally confident that this prize would soon be theirs.
The night time gloom and thick forest growth did little to shield their victims from their ever-watchful gaze. This was what they had trained to do and they wouldn't fail. Nothing escaped them once their trap was laid.
They' pursued them for hours in sub-zero temperatures and driving winds, yet they made no complaint and gave no thought to their physical discomfort. Their own well-being was insignificant. Only making the capture mattered.
The moon re-emerged from behind the clouds and hit their black visors. For the first time they adjusted their stance slightly to avoid the reflections but they were well concealed. Up in their murky hiding place they remained virtually invisible to the naked eye.
Giving their targets time to let their guard down, the trio waited silently. Hours passed and still they waited; not moving, no9t speaking, just waiting.
Then, with no apparent communication, they rose as one, charged their weapons, and began their steady but purposeful descent.
Hello, Scifi writer, Derone here. Nice to meet you. I tend to pick up on issues with flow, sentence structure, passive voice, and word choice. Keep in mind everything I say is MY opinion. Use what you can and disregard the rest. I have a pretty direct, concise review style, but I'm a very open, cool person. Feel free to shoot me an e-mail if you have questions or further comments. Without further ado:
This sentence is wonky, to me:
As still as if carved from the very ground they stood on they watched their quarry's cautious progress through the woods, unconditionally confident that this prize would soon be theirs.
Maybe try:
As still as if carved "into" the very ground they stood upon...
"from" in this instance doesn't necessarily imply stillness.
That's a minor thing, though.
Psssive:
They'd been pursuing them for hours in sub-zero temperatures and driving winds yet they made no complaint and gave no thought to their physical discomfort.
"had beens" when not used sparingly make the writing passive and can disturb the immediacy of the story.
Try:
They [had pursued] them for hours in sub-zero temperatures and driving winds[,] yet they made no complaint and gave no thought to their physical discomfort.
Another wonky sentence:
Then (with no apparent communication) they rose as one, charged their weapons, and began their steady but purposeful descent.
The words in () make your narrator intrusive. It's as though the writer/narrator isn't sure if they communicated or not.
The narrator should NEVER be wishy-washy. Either something happens or it doesn't.
Try:
Then[,] [without] communication[,] they rose as one, charged their weapons, and began their steady but purposeful descent.
Overall, this section seems a bit rushed to me. I'd like you to to more to create the setting and the tension, and to let the reader know where and when this is happening. I'd also like to know a bit more about who this trio is and why they're "hunting" whoever they're hunting. You don't have to give definitive answers, just some hints about the above-mentioned things, to let the reader know whether we should root for the predator or the prey. It would aid in enticing the reader to progress with the story.
I'm interested in discovering what is going on and will check out the next chapter.
Write on!
Posted: Feb 15, 2007
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