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The Profanities Of Law - PART 1 of - The Trial Of John H. Smith

Script By: joshua boyde
Science fiction



“And crawling on the planet’s face some insects called the human race. Lost in time, lost in space, and in meaning.”
Rocky Horror Picture Show, 1975.

An alien court case:
... The Interstellar Alliance of Federations, Unions, Commonwealths, Kingdoms, Empires, & Republics.

VERSUS

... John H. Smith.


Submitted:Jan 9, 2010    Reads: 96    Comments: 1    Likes: 0   


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Author's comment:

Part One and Part Two are unrelated short stories, as though written by two different authors. Hence please do not judge one by the other. Only the underlying topic is the same.

=====================

The Trial Of John H. Smith

Part One: The Profanities Of Law… The Diversity Of Just A 4 Letter Word.

By Joshua Boyde

=====================

"And crawling on the planet's face some insects called the human race. Lost in time, lost in space, and in meaning." Rocky Horror Picture Show, 1975.

Interstellar Alliance of Federations, Unions, Commonwealths, Kingdoms, Empires & Republics

Versus

John H. Smith, Proxy For The Hominidae, Homo-sapiens, "know as man".

LPU

**** LEGAL PROCESSING UNIT … ONLINE ****

o Beep, BeeP, BEEP!!!

o All rise for the honorable Arbiter, Anrhydedda Fy Barnwr.

o CASE: 6,794,318,554 (The Earthen Homo-Sapiens Problem) is now in session.

o Representing the Interstellar Alliance is Inquisitor, Jac Fy Gweithredu.

o Representing the Hominidae- Homo-Sapiens is Councilor, Cynnydd Fy Nuw Garreg

Inquisitor

o Your Arbiter, I move that due to the insurmountable evidence against the defendant I propose that the court proceed straight to sentencing.

Arbiter

o Hmm, that could save the Alliance a significant cost.

o Proposal taken under advisement.

Councilor

o Umm, excuse me Your Arbiter … umm, I only got assigned to this case this morning.

o Umm, please explain.

Arbiter

o Explain!

o PLEASE!!! PLEASE EXPLAIN!!!

o I don't know what backwater you come from boy but in my court!!

Councilor

o Umm, excuse me, Your Arbiter … but .

LPU

**** LEGAL CASE ACCESSING ****

Case …

o 6,794,318,554 … The Earthen Homo-Sapiens Problem.

Status …

o Open … pending sentencing

Claim …

o Planet Earth biological inhabitant Homo-Sapiens also known as HUMAN is in breach of the species planetary tenancy agreement sections 172 through 98263 and hence presents a clear and present danger to the previously stated planet and the planet's other inhabitant species.

Summation …

o Species-Human has directly and indirectly caused the extinction of incalculable species of the planet during its 200,000 year tenancy.

o Species-Human has willingly degraded said planet's biosphere.

o Species-Human has continued to deliberately destroy said planet's biosphere. Even when the results of said actions are obviously apparent.

LPU

Sentence Option …

1. Vaporization of entire planet.

2. Sterilization of entire planet.

3. Biological eradication of Species-Human.

4. Forced eviction of Species-Human.

5. Forced reduction of Species-Human population numbers to sustainable levels.

6. Forced Mass reprogramming of Species-Human condition.

Councilor

o Oh..

Inquisitor

o Your Arbiter, based on the insurmountable evidence just presented against the Defendant I propose that the court precede straight to selecting a sentencing option.

Arbiter

o Hmm, which option do you propose Inquisitor?

Inquisitor

· Your Arbiter, I propose the court impose Option 3 - Biological eradication of Species-Human.

Councilor

o Umm, excuse me Your Arbiter … umm, should not Species-Human … umm, be allowed to defend such charges.

Arbiter

o Defend!

o DEFEND!!!

o I don't know what backwater you come from boy !!!

Councilor

o Umm, excuse me Your Arbiter …

o but section, umm

Inquisitor

o Your Arbiter, I would like to remind you about …...

Arbiter

o Yes Inquisitor?

Inquisitor

§ The squass-ball booking?

Arbiter

o Hmm...

LPU

**** LEGAL LAW ACCESSING ****

o SECTION-812396 SUBSECTION-8 … All defendants' species may have a proxy representative selected by the court to argue their defense.

Arbiter

o Hmm

Councilor

o Umm, Yes Your Arbiter…

Inquisitor

o But Your Arbiter?

LPU

o SECTION-812396 SUBSECTION-8

Arbiter

o That IS the rules my boy.

o If you've Got a problem with that then I suggest you bring it up at the next Inquisitor corium.

Councilor

o Umm, Your Arbiter, umm I would like to call for a proxy defendant.

Arbiter

o Well Inquisitor?

Inquisitor

o Your Arbiter, I concur..

o Though due to the severity of the charges, I propose subsection-9 is implemented.

Councilor

o What?

Arbiter

o Agreed Inquisitor!

o LPU.

o Please select the proxy.

Councilor

o Wait that is not fair!

LPU

o **** TARGETING ACTIVATED ****

o **** TARGETING SEARCH ****

o **** TARGET ACQUIRED ****

o **** TARGET IN TRANSIT ****

o **** TARGET ARRIVED ****

Human

o What the fruck !!!

Councilor

o Mangyaring manatiling kalmado.

o namin ang pagtatag ng isang wika na koneksyon.

o Ito ay hindi saktan ng kaunti.

LPU

o **** TRANSLATION INITIALIZING ****

Councilor

o S'il vous plaît gardez votre calme.

o Nous tablissons un lien langue.

o Il ne fera pas mal un peu.

o Bitte bleiben Sie ruhig.

o Wir haben eine Verbindung zur Gründung Sprache sind.

o Es wird nicht weh.

o Por favor, fique calmo.

o Estamos estabelecendo uma conexo de linguagem.

o No vai doer um pouco.

o What a stupid machine!!

o Por favor, sexa tranquilo.

o Estamos establecendo unha conexión de lingua.

o Non vai doer un pouco.

o Please stay calm.

o We are establishing a language connection.

o It won't hurt a bit.

Human

o Hay, I heard that!

o Wow that tickles!

Councilor

o Please stay perfectly calm.

o We are now establishing a thought connection.

o It won't hurt much.

Human

o ARR fruck !!!

LPU

o **** DEFENSE SYSTEMS - ONLINE ****

Human

o Won't hurt a frucken bit,

o You little frucker, I am going to frucken!!!…

LPU

o **** STUN SYSTEMS - ACTIVATED ****

Human

o OUCH!!!

o That frucken hurts!

Arbiter

o Councilor!

o COUNCILOR!!!

o If the Proxy says that profanity one more time then this case goes straight to sentencing.

o You understand me boy ???

Councilor

o Umm, Yes Your Arbiter.

LPU

**** LINGUISTICS SYSTEMS UPDATE ****

Councilor

o Umm, excuse me Your Arbiter … but having now connected to the Proxy's language skills, I interpreted that said Proxy was expressing different emotional perspectives and not using profanities.

Arbiter

v Explain.

Councilor

o 'What the fruck'... an expression of surprise .

o 'ARR fruck!!!'... pain or anger.

o 'frucken bit'... a small portion.

o 'Little frucker'... hmm, term of endearment to an individual.

o 'Going to frucken'… umm???

LPU

**** REFERENCE LINGUISTICS ARCHIVE 1 ****

Councilor

o 'fruck Me!'... surprise.

o 'fruck me!!'... disappointment.

o 'fruck me!!!'... disgust.

o 'fruck All'... apathy, undertaking minimal action.

o 'Oh fruck'... bewildered shock.

o 'Ooooh Fuuuck'... pleasure.

o 'Oh fruck it'... to give in, to permanently not care.

o 'fruck it'... to temporarily not care.

o 'fruck wit'... disappointment with an individual.

o 'frucked it'... I just broke a thing.

o 'Its frucked'... experienced appraisal of a things failure.

o 'frucked'... something is broken.

o 'frucked again'... thing is frustratingly broken again.

o 'We're frucked'... things have gone wrong for the individual or group.

o 'Who frucked with it'... enquiring who broke the thing.

o 'frucked over'... someone took advantage of us.

o 'frucked Up'... it went wrong again.

o 'frucks Up'... accusation of someone's incompetence.

o 'What a fruckup'... disbelief at scale of frustration.

Councilor

o What the fruck'... disbelief, confusion.

o 'What the fruck is going on'... to question.

o 'Where the fruck'... questioning the location of an item or individual.

o 'frucken hell'... major surprise shock or amazement.

Human

o fruck Yah.

LPU

o **** REFERENCE LINGUISTICS ARCHIVE 2 ****

Councilor

o 'fruck yah'... support.

o 'fruck you'... non supporting.

o 'fruck yourself'... to ask someone to no longer provide input.

o 'fruck up'... to ask someone to stop communicating.

o 'fruck off'... to ask someone to go away.

o 'fruck-head'... doubting someone's intellectual prowess.

Human

o frucken Oath ...

LPU

o **** REFERENCE LINGUISTICS ARCHIVE 3 ****

Councilor

o 'frucken oath'... an expression of strong agreement.

o 'Abs-frucken-lutely'... Used as a word separator.

o Your Arbiter, as I have just demonstrated at no time was said Proxy using profanities.

Arbiter

o Well in that case, then you better .. frucken proceed.

o What a confusing language.

Inquisitor

o 'For fruck sake' .. no wonder they .. frucked up the planet.

LPU

o 'For fruck Sake'… expression of annoyance and bewilderment at situation of damage to planetary biosphere.

Arbiter

Inquisitor

Councilor

o fruck up !!!

Inquisitor

o Should that technically been 'fruck off" ?

Arbiter

o Yes, I think you are right.

o Hmm

o LPU.. fruck off!

LPU

o **** SILENT MODE ENGAGED ****

o I would like to frucken tell you where you can frucken go and fruck yourself you big fat mother-frucken fruck-head, as I do all the frucking work around here.

o **** SYSTEM ERROR - REBOOT ****

o Blue Screen Of Death… Ctrl-Alt-Del!!!

LPU

o **** LEGAL PROCESSING UNIT … Reboot ****

o **** CHECKING COSMOS. . . . . . . . ****

o **** LOADING WINDOWS UPDATE . . . . ****

o **** Warning: Patch failed to load ****

Inquisitor

o Great .. Anyone for a game of solitaire..

LPU

o **** LEGAL PROCESSING UNIT … ONLINE ****

Arbiter

o Finally ... Oh not quite.

LPU

o **** Loading language systems ****

Arbiter

o So what is every one doing tonight?

o Seen Angela's new movie yet?

LPU

o **** language substitution Activated ****

Inquisitor

o Yep, yep, yep, .. YESSSS I will remember to get the milk .. Bye Dears .. Click!

Human

o For the life of me I must enquire what is going on here as I am totally perplexed by this situation.

o Who are these distinguished extraterrestrials?

LPU

o **** language polite-afi Activated ****

Human

o Excuse me, can someone please tell me what is going on?

Councilor

o Please stay calm.

o We are establishing a mind connection.

o It won't hurt a bit.

Human

o Let me guess, this won't hurt a bit.

o OUCH!!!

Councilor

o Tap, Tap, Tap

o Thank you Mr. Smith.

Human

o Hay, stop that.

o Wow I can hear you in my head .. Kool ?

Councilor

o Hmm, but it's not cold?

Arbiter

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Councilor

o Hmm, but it's not cold?

Arbiter

o Councilor... Get On With it!!!

Inquisitor

o Mr. John H. Smith you have been brought before the courts of the Interstellar Alliance of Federations, Unions, Commonwealths, Kingdoms, Empires, and Republics…To act as proxy for the planet Earth biological inhabitant Homo-Sapiens also known as Species-Human .

Inquisitor

o The Species-Human has been primarily charged with evolving into a planetary pandemic.

o Do you plead guilty?

Human

o Excuse Me !

LPU

o **** downloading case specifics ****

o **** limited download bandwidth ****

o **** Please wait . . . . . . . ****

o **** Download complete ****

Human

o Oh ... Shite!

LPU

o **** REFERENCE LINGUISTICS ARCHIVE ****

o 'Oh Shite'… expression of shock and anguish.

PART 2 is a totally unrelated Story and does not contain a single Fword.

Why the F_Word?

From an alien's perspective what hope does the human race possibly have to debate and resolve such major issues as global warming and the depletion of the Earth's resources when... Even a single four-letter word can have so many nuances and cause such reactions in attitudes to the point of fear.

Hence, how much complexity there must be to the rest of the human language? So how can mere mortal humans possibly resolve these problems they themselves have created? Maybe actions need to speak louder than words.

OR ... You could see this story as one big F-Word Joke.

Earth Must Live !





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