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Lard-Ass and Blinky's Turbulent Romance

Script By: Maverick
Science fiction



Steam Punk and Jack of Spades' last fight. Not meant to be taken seriously, it's cheesiness is intentional.


Submitted:Nov 8, 2008    Reads: 113    Comments: 0    Likes: 2   


[Lights rise on a man and a woman sitting on opposite sides of the stage, CL + CR. They sit on metal chairs and everything else is pantomimed. They are in the cockpits of fighting ships. The woman is overweight, she is JACK OF SPADES. The man wears and eye patch and has a long scar running diagonally across his face, he is STEAM PUNK.]

PUNK

I don't need yer help.

JACK

Who said I was here to help you? Maybe I'm here to shoot your ugly mug out of the sky.

PUNK

Just stay outta my way. Last thing we need is someone springing a trap and getting themselves killed - or worse, leading them back to GOD.

JACK

I'm not the one who needs that warning.

PUNK

Ya didn't come out scouting just to watch my back.

JACK

I guess you're right. I'm going to hook around the other side of GOD and hang east.

PUNK

Remain in radio contact, and don't get yerself killed. (Pause) Hey, lard-ass, why'd ya follow me out scouting? It isn't yer shift.

JACK

Who did you have read you the schedule this week? I mean, you can barely write your own name, STEAM. I have a bad feeling about the sector we're bringing GOD through.

PUNK

This is why women don't fly fighters, ya let yer feeling's dictate yer actions. Ya oughtta be in some unlucky bastard's home cleaning or cooking or whatever women do.

JACK

I'm here cleaning up your messes just like always.

PUNK

And I hate yer gelatin-like guts, just like always.

[No response. Static cracks through STEAM PUNK'S radio. Lights go down on JACK OF SPADES. STEAM PUNK fiddles with the radio controls.]

What? No witty comeback? I've been telling ya I hated ya since the day we met, it's nothing new.

[Static grows louder over STEAM PUNK'S radio. He hits the radio console.]

I don't like this little temper-tantrum yer throwing. Ya know ya have to keep in contact, JACK, so talk to GOD if ya ain't talking to me.

[Static]

Women just don't belong in the sky.

JACK

(Broken up by interference)

JACK OF SPADES to GOD... hear me?... Patriot-fighters... overwhelming numbers... ambush... jamming signal with a scrambler on route.... course, I repeat... change course...

PUNK

Not funny, JACK. Ya can't play around with GOD'S course so close to the launch date.

JACK

(Broken up by static)

I'm cutting communications with GOD. I have a.... about this... if I'm captured alive... no evidence... I'm outnumbered... down around my ears... do not send back up... change course.

PUNK

Don't cut the com-link, JACK, my radar's clear.

JACK

I still have the radio, but GOD isn't equipped with radios anymore. Who thought it was a good idea to stay old school just you and me? Dammit.

PUNK

What's going on, JACK?

JACK

They've got a scrambler on the ground jamming the com-link and navigations. I'm fighting and flying completely on manual. I'm cut off from GOD, so you play messenger and relay any orders, STEAM.

PUNK

I hate you. Yer making me do unnecessary shit.

JACK

I would never make jokes so close to the launch date. (Pause) Hell!

[Like a lightning flash lights rise on JACK OF SPADES, flicker, and turn off.]

Shit!

PUNK

Don't leave me in the dark, JACK, what's going on?

JACK

Nothing. Shit! Get back to GOD, I can handle these guys.

PUNK

Yer serious, fatty? Tub of crisco like ya can move yer arms that much? Yer really fighting on manual?

JACK

Yeah, I'm on manual, and you're gonna pay with your spleen if you keep calling me fat, blinky. Get back to GOD, STEAM.

PUNK

I'm not trusting ya on yer own. Women notoriously suck at fighting. How many Patriots are we talking about?

JACK

I lost count somewhere after forty-nine. They had to know we were coming.

PUNK

Dammit, tell me where ya are! Yer gonna die against that many. Hell - even CYBER had trouble against any more than thirty-five.

[Slightly dimmer lights rise on JACK OF SPADES, they flicker. Soft hissing and the sounds of sparks flying intermittently. JACK OF SPADES is in bad shape.]

JACK

I was CYBER'S right hand back when he started this Resistance - I'm no weakling. He trusted me and me alone. Now it's time for me to pass on the favor I owe him.

PUNK

Self-sacrifice doesn't do anybody any good.

JACK
Why do you think I can hold my own against the guys, STEAM?

PUNK

Because you are one?

JACK

This sector - Anamaranthica - is notorious as both a Patriot and a Resistance hot-spot. I was born in the middle of an attack my mother was leading into the heart of the Patriot base. I came out of the womb with a knife in one hand, a grenade in the other and by the time the umbilical cord was cut I had already killed a man and served a prison sentence.

[Muffled explosions followed by a loud one that shakes JACK and her ship, SPADES. Lights flicker and she braces for a second impact. A second loud explosion shakes the SPADES.]

PUNK

Damn, I just lost lost the bet.

JACK

How much money did you bet on me actually having a penis?

PUNK

Six months pay.

JACK

Serves you right.

[Muffled explosions. JACK OF SPADES whoops victoriously.]

Now that's what I call a history-making moment! (Pause) Hey, STEAM?

PUNK

What?

JACK

My little brother - look out for him. He may be a Patriot, but he's the only little brother I've got.

PUNK

Take care of him yerself, don't drag me into it.

JACK

You'll know my brother if you ever fight him. He's got this Slap-Dash style that's just like mine. It'll be just like fighting me except he won't pull his punches like I do.

PUNK

Don't lie and tell me yer going easy on me in training. Yer just too lazy to fly back, aren't ya? I've been telling ya to lay off the dough nuts, but ya never listen.

JACK

Yeah, that's it. You caught me. I'm fat and lazy. (Laughs)

PUNK

I'd call ya man, but a man would be able to get back to a rendezvous.

JACK

It's like you said, I'm just... lazy.

PUNK

Yer full of shit today. Yer always playing games like this, but it's not funny anymore.

JACK

Hey, did you ever think the Resistance's story would make a good children's book? I was going to write it when everything calmed down after the launch.

PUNK

Yer still going to write that book, and yer gonna give me lots of royalties for using me in it. Shut up about wishes and going-to's.

JACK

Don't worry, I'll be real quiet soon enough. I'm losing oxygen, so, hypothetically, that should shut me up.

PUNK

Tell me where you are. Ya know I've been itching for a fight.

JACK

Just go to GOD, STEAM.

PUNK

I ain't leaving a woman behind - even if it is just you. Send me your coordinates.

JACK

I couldn't tell you where I am even if I wanted to. The jamming signal took out my navigations.

[Lights get dimmer and flicker more frequently over JACK OF SPADES.]

PUNK

I ain't buying that shit.

JACK

PUNKY-

PUNK

Don't call me that.

JACK

PUNKY, you're the face behind the Resistance, there's a bounty on your head, and the only thing you have to know is that if you fall, we all fall, if you die, we'll have a kamikaze procession at your funeral.

PUNK

I hate you.

JACK

Let that hate keep you alive, then. Dammit-

[A long string of repetitive muffled explosions before several loud explosions rock JACK OF SPADES. A red light blinks over her.]

Hell, these guys are persistent. I thought I got them all.

PUNK

I fucking hate you.

JACK

And you can hate me every day of your long, long life.

[More explosions. The light over JACK OF SPADES turns completely red. JACK OF SPADES sits back and closes her eyes knowingly.]

Hey, hey STEAM, I did it. I really got them. I got them all.

PUNK

Tell me where you are.

JACK

I'm... I'm going to God.

PUNK

That will lead the jammer right to us!

JACK

I wasn't talking about the ship.

PUNK

Tell me what ya can see of GOD. Aft? Starboard?

JACK

I see the med bay where DOC is waiting to lecture us for this. The mess hall we destroy on a weekly basis. The training hall - you still haven't been able to beat even one of my records, have you? I can even see the hallway where you first called me a lard-ass, and I gave you your first concussion.

PUNK

Don't go getting all sentimental, now. None of those places are near each other, ya got something wrong with yer head.

JACK

I wasn't seeing with my eyes, STEAM.

PUNK

Damn, I hate you. Yer girlish-shit is driving me crazy. In case ya missed it, yer not the feminine type.

JACK

That's why I'm called "JACK".

PUNK

With yer eyes what can you see of GOD?

[JACK OF SPADES opens her eyes, unseeing]

JACK

I see his face, STEAM, God's face, and Goddamn if it isn't beautiful.

PUNK

Close yer damn eyes! Where are ya?

JACK

I'm drifting to God, STEAM.

PUNK

Not funny.

JACK

Wish I could say I was joking.

PUNK

(Pause) I hate you. Don't ya get it? (Pause) I hate you, so ya can't die.

JACK

No worries, STEAM, you've made yourself pretty damn clear. I get it, I think I've always gotten it. I think everyone on board GOD understands you hate me.

PUNK

No, I hate you. Tell me where ya are!

JACK

STEAM, if you hate me, then let me go.

PUNK

No, if ya love someone ya let go, but if ya hate them then they latch onto ya and never let go and they don't die even if ya try to kill them, and they don't leave even if ya want them to. So I fucking hate you! Tell me where ya are, give me a frequency to track the SPADES on, anything, JACK. Anything.

[JACK OF SPADES laughs. The hissing stops completely.]

JACK

The SPADES is in no condition to fly anywhere, even if you towed it.

PUNK

Then we'll leave it behind.

JACK

[Heavy breathing]

No, I won't leave my baby to be scrapped by those unworthy, barbaric Patriots. I'd rather float in orbit for eternity.

PUNK

I'll come back for the SPADES, alright?

JACK

STEAM, you know as well as I do that it's every fighter's dream to go down with their ship.

PUNK

JACK...

JACK

[Having trouble breathing; panting]

You'd never make it in time, anyhow. You'd only blame yourself for not making it.

PUNK

B-But I hate you!

JACK

[Struggling to breathe. Lights go down on JACK OF SPADES. All damaged ship noises stop.]

I know, I know. (Weak laugh) I think you know, but I hate... I fucking hate you, too.

PUNK

JACK? (Pause) JACK!

[Soft static from STEAM PUNK'S radio. He is alone.]

Dammit, JACK. I don't think this is funny.

[Soft static]

I hate you, I really goddamn hate you!

[Soft static. Lights fade over STEAM PUNK. He curls into himself in anguish.]

(Softly) JACK! Fuck. Didn't I tell ya? Women don't belong in the fucking sky.

[Lights off]

End Scene





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