I can't escape this hell. I was trapped within myself and I could not seem to escape. I was trapped within my situation. The people I call my parents beat and did what they could to destroy me. They held no love for me and I held no love for them. They are not my parents; the word implies an emotional connection. However I feel nothing for them.
So many times I've tried to run away but each time the authorities caught me and dragged me back to them. The authorities were supposed to help me but each time they are the ones that take me back.
But I'm still caged inside. I have retreated into myself and pushed people away. It is what I do. The other teenagers at school saw me as the quiet sullen girl. I became so depressed and before I knew it red lines gleamed against my skin. Last week you started. You had short blonde wavy hair and dark blue eyes. You wore a simple white v-neck t-shirt and stone wash jeans with a pale blue unbuttoned shirt over the top with the sleeves folded to just above your elbows. I could be cliché and say that I could drown in your eyes but I would be lying. They had a hard glint, the same look I had when I gaze in the mirror. I thought maybe you would understand but I said nothing for fear.
Somebody get me through this nightmare. I was incapable of escaping from my situation alone. I needed someone but I always pushed people away. It was what I did. As time went by I pushed my friends away until I had none. You kept staring at me in lessons; you seemed to be trying to figure me out. Every glance you cast in my direction made me think you know about the lines stamped across my skin but you could not possibly know.
I can't control myself. I could not stop. The red lines kept multiplying. I wore long sleeve to hide the marks. You cornered me at the end of the school day.
“Peyton right?” you asked.
“Depends on who’s asking.” I returned aggressively and glowered at you.
“David.”you smiled. Not a bit put off by my ‘go away’ attitude.
“Nice now I know the name of my stalker. Bye.” I said sarcastically as I barged past you.
“Wait, just hear me out.” your hand caught my shoulder and spun me to face you, “Yes I’ve been watching you but it’s because you have this look. I know I sound crazy but you look like you need help.”
“I don’t need help and I’m fine!” I stormed before yanking myself violently from your grip and stalking away.
You chased after me and grabbed my wrist; the edge of my sleeve pushed up. You turned it so the inside faced up.
So what if you can see the darkest side of me. Silently I waited for the look of disgust and pity to cross your face and stared defiantly back at you daring you to walk away. I did not care if you knew.
No one will ever change this animal I have become. You could not change me. It was too late, I could not be saved.
“Why?” you sounded surprised but somehow your face held no pity but understanding.
I glared at you and took off at a run. The world blurred and I ignored his call. I kept running until I reached home. It was empty, thank goodness. I could not deal with my parents now. I shut the door to my room and leaned into it and slid to the floor. Only then did I allow the encounter to get to me, with that one word you tore down all my walls. Tears steadily streamed down my face as I rubbed furiously at the scars trying to erase them. This was who I was, no one could change that.
The school halls were bustling with students heading to lessons. All week I had been avoiding you. This time was no different as soon as I saw you coming round the corner I turned in the opposite direction. Suddenly a hand grabbed my wrist.
“Let me go David.” I growled threateningly.
“No, this isn’t you.” you said gently as if you actually cared.
“This is the real me. I’m meant to be alone. Everyone I thought cared about me betrayed me and left me.” I whispered brokenly.
“I won’t.” smiling softly you take my hand in yours.
The noise of the corridor drained as the classroom doors slammed shut and lessons started but I did not care.
“Help me believe it's not the real me.”I begged softly and a tear rolled down my cheek while you pulled me into your embrace. You smelled of cinnamon, it reminded me of my Grandma’s cookies, when she was still alive. You made me feel safe for the first time in a long time.
So many times I've lied it was nice to tell the truth for once. I needed help. You saw the truth of the darkness that threatened to envelop me but took me as I am anyway, scars and all inside and out.
But there's still rage inside. I was angry at the world that left me. Discarded me the same way you would a piece of rubbish. They left me broken and hurting. I hated the feeling. The broken hurting pain that tore through me, leaving me breaking down in the oppressive silence of my room in the dead of night. Sometimes to the angry chorus of Three Days Grace pounding through my eardrums and drowning out the thoughts within my own mind.
Somebody get me through this nightmare.
“David, save me from this nightmare.” I mumbled into your jacket.
I can't control myself. I still cut as tears created rivulets down my face. The bleeding did not stop. Spots danced across my vision and the dark enveloped me.
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
David I wanted you to save me and if I let you I am sure you could have but it was too late for me. I tried to push you away but you stayed regardless. I was too far gone and not even you could bring me out of my nightmare. Please I beg you do not blame yourself.
“I’m sorry.” I whisper in his ear.
He will not ever hear my words. He is wearing a suit and tie standing solemnly before a coffin as it is lowered into the grave.
My eyes fall on the words written on the headstone:
Here lies Peyton Haley Stuart
April 5th 1992 – December 1st 2012