Set Scene 1: A minor league bullpen bench at a baseball park. A bench is center stage with 5 relief pitchers sitting on it.
Set Scene 2: A stereotypical bar setting. Bar stools, a bar, a bartender, a jukebox. Nothing out of the ordinary.
Set Scene 3: Same as Scene 1.
- Jerry: Baseball player. Small build.
- Rocco: Baseball player. Average size.
- Ricky: Baseball Player. Large build.
- Stan: Baseball Player. Husky build.
- Art: Baseball Player. Average sized.
- Nina: Girl at the bar. Late twenties.
- Nora: Nina’s friend. Late twenties.
- Bartender: Male.
Scene 1: The curtain opens up to the five men sitting on the bullpen bench at a minor league baseball park in Alabama.
Art: What inning is it man?
Ricky: Who gives a shit? This humidity is unbearable and these gnats keep attacking my ass kamikaze style. I can’t stand Alabama. It’s more infested with backwards ass hillbillies than a NASCAR race.
Rocco: Ease up Ricky, it ain’t that bad. These southern girls are unbelievable. I was posted up last night and… (Stan interrupts)
Stan: Listen, if you guys are going to tell another one of your vile stories about your sinful conquests, I’m going to go get my iPod.
Rocco: Well then get your fucking iPod, Mr. Rogers.
(Stan exits the stage)
Rocco: Anyway, I was posted up last night at Slick Ricky’s and I see this honey giving me the eyes from across the bar. Not just the “Rocco I want to take off your clothes with my eyes” eyes. The “Rocco I want to baste you in chocolate and...” (Jerry interrupts abruptly)
Jerry: No she wasn’t. First of all, she was not a honey. Rocco you think you’re such a ladies’ man, but you’re not.
Rocco: Listen to the little man express his envy. Listen Peter, one day when your balls drop you can talk with the big boys.
Jerry: My name isn’t Peter! Why do you always have to fucking call me Peter!
Art: I’m pretty sure it is a subtle joke relating to you being small. In Rocco’s mind, it is a witty little quip which equates to you being “Little Peter.” If this is not enough of explanation for you, I could go get a crayon from a kid in the stands and draw you a diagram.
Rocco (laughing in a grunting manner): Little Peter.
Jerry: Shut up!
Ricky: Would all of you please, and I mean this in the kindest way possible, please, shut the fuck up.
Rocco: My bad, dude…
(Stan enters and sits on the bench wearing headphones)
Rocco: Yo, Stan is that your girlfriend there? (points to a girl sitting in the audience)
Stan (taking off headphones): What?
Rocco: That girl there (points again), is that your girlfriend?
Stan: Would you stop it?
Art: I’d probably hold her hand. (whole group snickers)
Stan (long sigh): Yes it is. Why?
Rocco: Because , I just caught her giving me these eyes. These “Rocco I want you to make me your dirty little sl…(Stan interrupts angrily)
Stan: THAT IS ENOUGH! You are a terrible person. Just awful. Did you not get enough attention as a child?
Jerry: Rocco’s parents didn’t love him.
Rocco (snaps quickly): Check your tone, Peter. I’m about to blast your ass.
(Jerry stops talking immediately)
Rocco: For your information Stan, my parents loved me very much and I did get enough attention as a child. Now, put your headphones on and listen to your Miley Cyrus or whatever it is that a little girl like yourself listens to.
(Stan puts headphones back on)
Rocco: Anyway, back to my story. So, I’m at Slick Ricky’s…
Ricky: We were all at Slick Ricky’s last night dumb ass.
Rocco: I know that. (pause) I know. You guys all left before my story takes place though.
Ricky: Well stop fucking saying, “Last night I was at Slick Ricky’s,” as if we didn’t already know that.
Art: Hey, just let Rocco tell his story. I am sure it is full of eloquent detail that we need to be aware of. He has a way with words.
Rocco: Yeah, I do, don’t I?
Rocco (frustrated): Can I tell my damn story, or what?
Art: Oh, please enlighten us.
Rocco: Alright. So last night, when we were at Slick Ricky’s…
(Lights fade on the bench)
Scene 2: A bar scene is presented. Rocco, Art, Ricky, and Jerry are seen on bar stools.
Ricky: I don’t know why I let you guys drag me to these hell holes. The only positive thing that could come out this is watching Jerry make an ass of himself.
Jerry: Oh ha ha (sarcastically). You know I am usually the only one who can keep his wits about him. Plus, with these new dance moves I learned on youtube, you guys are gonna see a whole new Jerry tonight.
(Group laughs except Jerry)
Art: Well then Timberlake, let’s see these new moves you have. I’ll bet you will have to beat the girls off of you by the end of the night. I hope you brought your nun chucks.
Jerry: You weren’t supposed to tell anyone about those! They were a gift from my grandma last Christmas!
Ricky: That explains the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles poster in his room. I had been trying to figure that one out for some time now.
Jerry: Well at least I didn’t get the clap from some stripper in Knoxville last year.
(Art jabs Jerry in the arm)
Art: This is why you can’t be taken into public. It always starts out as a joke, and then you get your drawers all knotted up and have to say some stupid shit like that. Why don’t you go change your fucking tampon?
Rocco: Yo dog, let’s get some fluids in our system, I’m thirsty as hell.
Rocco (to the bartender): Hey chief, can I get four double Jack and Cokes.
(Bartender presents four glasses to the group)
Ricky: So Jerry, when do we get to see these new dance moves?
Jerry: Let me get loosened up here. You guys don’t even know. You just wait.
Art: The anticipation is killing me.
Ricky: Oh how I cannot wait to see you fail miserably once again. Every week you try a new angle to pick up girls, and every week it brings me so much joy to watch such a pitiful display of desperation.
Jerry: Why must I always prove you wrong Rick?
Ricky: You never have to prove me wrong. You prove yourself wrong, and it makes my job a lot easier. You just live in this fantasy world that does not correspond with the rest of reality. For instance, if I were to say that Elvis is dead you would say… (Jerry interrupts)
Jerry: Elvis is not dead! There are multiple sightings of him every year in a small town outside of Nashville.
Art: Point proven.
Ricky: Those are not reliable sources. Do you just believe everything that is on the front page of the National Inquirer?
Jerry: It wasn’t in the National Inquirer, it was on the news the other night.
Ricky: What news?
Jerry: It was on the news, ok? And, my one buddy lives in that area and said that the entire town knows he is alive, they just get paid off to keep it a secret.
Ricky: That is one hundred percent bullshit.
Jerry: No, you are one hundred percent bullshit because you think you’re so fucking smart. I can call my buddy right now and prove it to you.
Ricky: Spare me.
Jerry: Because you know I’m right.
Ricky: Yeah, that’s what it is.
Jerry: Well, at least you’re man enough to admit it.
Ricky: Stop talking. You can kill more brain cells than paint thinner.
Jerry: You…. can kill more brain cells.
Art: You’re the epitome of an ignoramus.
Jerry: Thank you.
Ricky: That’s not a compliment you fucking moron.
Jerry: Yeah, it was.
Rocco: Who’s got the next round?
Art: I’ll get it. (Making a hand gesture towards the bartender) Four more double Jack and Cokes. Oh, and get my man Peter here a shot of tequila.
Rocco: Get Peter two shots of tequila.
Art: Two shots of tequila for Peter.
Jerry: My name isn’t Peter!
Ricky: Peter, say thank you.
Jerry: Thank you, but you guys need to stop calling me Peter.
Rocco: Whatever Peter.
(Two girls, Nora and Nina enter the bar at the opposite side)
Rocco: It’s time for Rocco to go make some magic happen.
Art: I’m coming too, someone needs to make sure you don’t creep those poor girls out. Plus I’m tired of hearing Peter talk about Elvis, and rubber penises, and the Chippendales dancers, and all that other weird shit he’s into.
(Jerry pretends he doesn’t hear anything Art has just said and takes another gulp from his glass)
Ricky: So I suppose I’m the baby sitter for this overgrown infant tonight?
Art: I’ll pay off your parking tickets.
Ricky: Consider it a deal.
(Art and Rocco approach the two girls; meanwhile Jerry is drinking numerous shots of alcohol and Ricky is playing with his phone.)
Rocco: How’s it going ladies?
Nora: Oh, it’s going. Listen we are just trying to have a couple drinks tonight, so if you could not bother us with your Arthur Fonzerelli persona, it would be much appreciated.
Rocco (whispering to Art): Who’s Arthur Fonzeretti?
Art (whispering back): Don’t worry about it.
Art (to the girls): Listen, we are not trying to pull any Casanova bullshit on you girls. Our friends over there are just annoying the hell out of us so we figured we would come make conversation with some new people. We haven’t gotten a chance to meet any of the locals yet.
Nina: Locals? Where are you guys from?
Art: Well I am from Indianapolis, and my friend Rocco here is from Queens, New York.
Nina: And what are a couple Yankee boys like yourself doing here in Alabama?
Rocco: We play professional baseball, sweetheart. Minor league, for now, but you will see us on ESPN by next year.
Art (murmurs): If they have cable down here.
Nora(offended): What was that?!
Art: I said it’s beautiful down here. Can we buy you ladies a drink?
Nora: Two Coronas with lime.
Rocco (to the bartender): Yo boss, get these two ladies Coronas with lime.
Nina: So you guys are ball players; that is something else! We work so much we barely have any time to get out and about.
Rocco: Well, you picked the right night to do it, baby girl.
Art: What do you girls do for a living?
Nina: I work for a lawyer in Birmingham, and Nora is a dental hygienist.
Nora: Yeah, but I just got back to work. I had to take leave because of my surgery. I was out for almost a month…
Art: Oh god.
(Jerry is stumbling around at the end of the bar while Ricky is in the corner talking on his cell phone. Ricky Martin’s Livin’ La Vida Loca starts playing on the jukebox. Jerry starts dancing towards where Art, Rocco, Nina, and Nora are sitting)
Jerry(singing in an obnoxiously drunk voice): She’s inta tha suppastition, black cats and boo boo dolls.
(Jerry starts dancing in front of Art, Rocco, Nina, and Nora. His dance consists of many pelvic thrusts mixed with certain moves in the Macerana.)
Jerry(even more obnoxiously): You ladies like whut yoooo seeee (continues dancing, and begins grinding on a bar stool). Ohhhh yeah!
(Ricky comes running over to the group)
Ricky: I’m so sorry about this (annoyed). Let’s go Peter!
Jerry: Lemme finish ma dance.
(Ricky picks Jerry up over his shoulder)
Ricky: I’ll catch up with you guys tomorrow, I have to get this imbecile home before he starts grinding on another bar stool.
Art(laughing): Good luck.
Ricky: I fucking hate you sometimes.
(Ricky carries Jerry off stage.)
Art (yells to Ricky): I’ll get back to you about those parking tickets.
Rocco (to the girls): Anyway, where were we?
Art: You know, I’m about done with this place too. Rocco, you don’t mind if I take off do you?
Rocco: Go ahead man. I like my new friends here better anyway.
Nina: Actually, if you want to see a little more of the town, I could take you. I’m kinda tired of this place too.
Art: That would be wonderful, as long as your friend doesn’t mind.
Nora: Go ahead…?
Art: Arthur, but only my mother calls me that. I’m Art.
Nora: Well it was nice meeting you Art. Nina, I’ll call you tomorrow.
Nina: Sounds great. You two don’t get into any trouble now.
Rocco: I never get into trouble (grinning).
Nina: I’m sure you don’t. Goodnight.
Art: I’ll catch you guys later.
(Art and Nina walk side by side off stage.)
(Scene fades to black.)
Scene 3: The five men are sitting on the bench of the bullpen at the baseball field. Same Setting as scene one.
(Stan still has headphones on, and cannot hear anything going on.)
Rocco: So when Art left with that broad, it gave old Rocco some time to make moves. It’s what I do, ya know? Anyway, I start talking this girl up, and I can tell she is beginning to like what she hears. We have a couple more drinks, start laughing. I can tell that she wants Rocco, real bad. So, I says to her, I says hey why don’t you and I get outta this place. She loved that idea. Fucking loved it. This is where it gets all kinds of nasty. All kinds man. We walk out into the alley way, right? She says, and I am repeating this word for word, she says, “I want you in my mouth.” What type of dirty ass girl says that? So, naturally I obliged her. Hummer of the century man.
Art: Dude, you remember when she was talking about that surgery, right?
Rocco: Yeah man. I didn’t get around to asking about it. How’d your night end up.
Art: It went well. But listen man…
Jerry (interrupting again): I gotta work on my dance moves some more. I don’t think I have them down yet.
Ricky: You may be the dumbest human being that has ever walked the face of the earth.
Jerry: You may be the ugliest.
Ricky(to Art): What the hell do I say to that? He is worse than a child. He is a fucking child in a little man’s body.
Jerry: I can hear you talking about me, and I know that you are just jealous. You know that I will be a lady killer when I get my dancing down and that intimidates you.
Ricky: Peter, your parents should have seriously considered abortion.
Jerry: Oh yeah Ricky, at least I didn’t make my ex-girlfriend get one you baby killer!
(Ricky takes deep breathes to calm himself down. He looks as if he is about to kill Jerry.)
Art: Once again, you have to go and take something way too far. Way too far. Peter we are going to implement a new rule. From now until the end of the game, if you talk, I am going to punch you many times, hopefully until you’re unconscious. Do you understand?
Art: Rocco, listen, I was talking to Nina and she was telling me that Nora’s surgery…
Rocco: Oh shit man, listen, tell me about it later. Coach just called for me to go pitch.
(Rocco exits the stage)
Ricky: So what about this girl’s surgery?
Art: Well you know they are doing extraordinary things with science these days. Until three months ago, Rocco’s girl, Nora, was named Noah.
Ricky: What does science have to do with her changing her name. I would too if I were a girl named Noah, that’s (pause) a guy’s name. (Pause) You don’t mean? (Long Pause, followed by a fit of laughter) Holy shit!
Art(laughing): Yeah man. Nina told me the whole story. Nina, by the way, is a girl. I saw the evidence to prove that. I need to make that clear as well due to the knowledge you now know about Rocco’s latest conquest. (laughs hysterically)
Ricky( still laughing hysterically): That is the most unbelievable story ever, man.
Jerry (boldly): There is nothing scientific about changing your name. It’s a legal process. See. You guys are the dumb ones, not me. I could work for NASA one day.
Art (annoyed): Yeah, you could Jerry. Stephen Hawking ain’t got shit on you.
Ricky: Words cannot express your obtuseness.
Jerry(proudly): I know.
(Art and Ricky shake their heads.)
(Fade to black.)