Log: #22, 2008, 22 wake-ups after
Kevin and I are such different people. The man is determined on
survival while I sit and cry sometimes. Sometimes I get irritated by his narrow
scope, but without him Im sure we would all be dead. Today we went into one of
the dorms a few blocks from our apartment. My intent was finding survivors while
Kevins perogative was scavenging. What we found weighs so heavily on me and it
chills my bones more than cold outside ever could. We found a boy and girl who
had killed themselves, and they had a hand written note between their
interlaced fingers. I am going to record it here word for word because it is so
completely nesessary for my soul:
“I am writing this letter for you. We do not wish to go quietly
into that good night but we have decided to give up.
We are starving to death and we can never get ourselves warm. We
are weak and sleep so much. My roommate has become my brother and best friend
and I can do nothing for him as he lays incoherent in fever. All I can do is
take him away with me. I will lay next to him one last time and with our last
bullet we will leave this place together.
I grieve. I grieve for my country. It makes no different if it
was an attack or an accident. I grieve for my family whom I hope is alive but
believe is dead as we soon will be. I grieve for the love I will never know and
I grieve ending my life as a murderer. I even grieve for the degree I only half
achieved and grieve most that we are choosing to end our lives at only twenty
one and twenty years old.
I wish suicide did not feel so selfish. But no one will grieve
our loss, save you, I hope. I hope if you are reading this, everything is fixed
and everyone is safe. I hope we are fighting back. I hope you have strength to
go on when we could not. I am so angry. My anger is powerless but it burns in
me bright and hot. I hope you take my loss, my grief, my hope and my anger and
add it to your own strength. I hope you never give up, never forget us, and
never stop fighting back.
Emily Tesse Mark Larnny ”
I am so glad they signed it. I am crying for Emily and Mark. What
we found in that dorm was tragic. There had been five students living in there.
There were empty boxes of dry pasta and empty cans lying around. Kevin and I
had to break our way through the door because furniture was pushed up against
all of the outside doors like barricades. I don’t know how long they lived or
how the group got ahold of a revolver. All of the rooms were empty but we found the
first three students shot dead in the hallway. I can only imagine it was food
that led to the fight. Kevin suspects Emily shot all three of them as they fled
down the hall way to their room and stayed holed up in there until they died.
Until they killed themselves. Kevin felt the day was mostly wasted. That we are tired and only got an empty revolver
for our efforts. I am holding a beautiful good bye letter, and I feel stronger