1/18/2013 I don't know why i am writing this in my "Suicide Diaries" but i just think i should let people know how i feel. I did something very very wrong and i am now regretting it. He`s very mad at me and i know it. Not even an apology letter or note would make any difference. That was a huge mistake i always come to make in my relationships and i never checked with my other boyfriends because they didn't care, so i didn't . I noticed with him its different, this is the first biggest mistake i have made out of all. He`s on the phone with me now and its just making me feel worst even though i already told him the truth I'm still feeling guilty. I just should of learnt to keep my mouth shut and shouldn`t even tell my class friends anything. I think i should just have no friends like i use to years ago and i really think i should keep to myself now a days,because a lot of things are going wrong in our relationship and i believe i am the total cause of it, i don't think i should get into the information just yet i think i should just express myself. I am now wondering if i should punish myself i really want to cry now but I`m on the phone with him and i just think it would make things worst. So i will do all my crying later when everyone is to busy to hear or care about me. I really want to cry now but everything is in complete silence.Wondering if i should eat seafood even though i am allergic to it. I think i am very close to my suicide actions and planning again. I think i could prevent myself from that negative energy. I am soon going to tell you folks why i am having all these emotions. I really don't know what to do now.My brain is blank completely right now that I`m having a headache. I just think tomorrow i should just be by myself under the tree reading a book and don't even hangout with Darnell. Just let me get to what happened. I told a friend my business and it kind of got out of hand and started to go all over the place. The business some how got to is ex girlfriend who i really don't like. I guess were both upset and i know he was mad the most i don't think i am going to cry to night because all this being upset and holding in tears is making me sleepy. So i guess I'm going sleep even though i am on the phone with him. I am not going to say sorry i will just watch it pass.