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Guardians of the Crest

Novel By: UnspokenSoul22
Thrillers


In the city of New York, violence and schemes are always plotted, though always foiled. Then once upon a time in the twentieth century did a gang of quite intelligent bandits devise such a cunning plan that no one will be able to sleep at night, for fear of what will happen.

* In this prologue, this starts the journey of the Guardians of the Crest.
(They are called that for a reason, but I just can't tell you why)
~This is my first novel ever! So please, tell me how I did
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Submitted: Aug 13, 2008    Reads: 117    Comments: 19    Likes: 6   


Preface:

Life in the lively city of New York never ceases, as the title goes: "The City that Never Sleeps." Such a fitting title.

Someone always walking the streets in a quick swagger, another giggling at the certainly newest gossip wafting in the air; stopping is not an option. Laziness in this place and time, portraits death or illness.
The refined, sophisticated upper class of New York is in peril as are the homeless wandering aimlessly in the trash infested streets. No one is safe. Daring to let your eyelids fall momentarily inside your cozy bed may be the end of you and all that you hold dear.
No one shall fall into dream.
Or you are destined to die.
*-*-*-*-*

Beginning of the End:

"Hehe..This is going to be fun…"

That sadistic brute of a voice grunted, a thick sound bubbling in the back of the throat gurgled out of a bloody maw of a mouth, an unmistakable noise that had to be a laugh or chortle. A soft, insistence of a blade glistened in the overbearing moonshine; the shrouding darkness of the night was pierced by not the singular, but the numerous blades that were suspended ominously in the air.
No.
These weren't for killing tonight. Today or maybe the next day would be scheduled for a little bloodshed. After the vigorous hours of intricate planning and pin-pointing, everything had to be perfect, not one hair out of place for this operation to go as smoothly as predicted.
Tonight was to get everything out of the system, the loud, boisterousness that lay now dormant inside, was about to be released, thrusting all smoldering levels of hell upon the city.
Hmm…Brick or rock?
No, yes.
Erm.
Which should I thro-?
A splintering of a fragile pane of glass bled into the silent morbid alleys as other objects of choice were taken upon the storefront in storm, shards of the broken slivers spewing into the gloom in such a synchronized, precise movement they resembled a flowering plant slowing growing it's majestic, glittering petals.
Bursts of exhilarated laughter clicked and snapped in time with the stiff footfall of thick, leather-bound boots over the endless sea of impedingly hazardous glass. (The flower had ended its journey upward and gravity had now forced to lay unspoken on the dilapidated oaken floorboards of the quaint little porch abreast to one of the entrance to the massive jewelry and antique store.) In an organized marching line did they each plant a foot onto the creaking, thin window seal- threatening to collapse at any given second- then catapulted through the empty space leading into the calm, tranquil treasure pit inside.
The stream of guffaws hindered with the smoldering embers in the hearth, the coals had just be recently stroked lightly, streamlines of wistful smoke still seeped past the charred, seething logs roasting.
A low hiss serpentine out from a tightly strained pair of teeth, the growl rolling off the tip of the tongue as it trembled spastically. Lava burned like a hot iron brand as it bubbled beneath the surface, fermenting and foaming as it warmed in the pit of a stomach.As realization hit like a kick just below the belt, the haze lifted, showing how perilous this mission was, how it could be jeopardized with the minimalist of mistakes or stupidity.
There was no room for error.
Heaving that punk- who though he could just carry out the elaborately constructed produce by chucking a rock so simply that he could get away with it?- by the scruff of his collar, thrusting him, not quite so delicately as planned, about the nearest wall, face to face, demeaning in the faces of his peers.
"Do you have anything to say about your demerit, son??"
He was gravely startled by the mere action, his pupils dilating as they gaze remotely sound into his superior's, not knowing whether to continue to challenge his authority, or to bow his head to the greatness. If it broke out into a fight, the followers would stand behind him, the numero uno, the alpha, so to speak.
His eyes fell downward in defeat, his tongue was tied and not a word floating in his empty mind. His head creaked mechanically to the side and then back again, no thought put into that movement, the pain of the judgmental eyes were too much, burdening him so, his conscience aflame in embarrassment of breaking moral and order.
"I'm sorry..."
His lips strained to form the words, his tongue stiffening, not willing to move as his nerve endings commanded, his eyes failing to register the images of the leader smirking the little, cocky grin of his- the trademark of his being- though his ears seemed to pick up those fast, oncoming vibrations that sounded so, so familiar as they rang through the deserted streets.
Some of the member of the small parade of bandits were risqué to ignore the subtle quarrel between an insignificant and the precious leader- It was pointless to watch, no one dare make a severe comment back, for fear of torturous reactions following the snide quip- but began to run zealous, endearing hands over the glinting emerald encrusted jewelry: fine braided chains of thick, smooth gold, earrings of pure silvers of turquoise remembering, all of the pieces so appealing. The fingertips of those greedy hands dug deep within the piles of riches and grasp all that cradled in the palm without spilling and thrust it into a bag that was settled in the opposite hand, letting the suave collectables plummet to the velveteen interior inside, cushioning the fall. The bags grew heavier in time whilst the confrontment grew dimmer- lackluster as the poor man dangling in the air chocked out of feeble answer- and as the sirens in the horizon beyond grew louder.
"Apology accepted. Now star- Noo!!"
The man, now growing limp with pain, was dropped onto the hard tilted floor without grace, crumpling into a pile at his feet. This was the consequence of not being cautious, nearly were the just red and blue flittering lights upon them, the brisk bags of treasure far to heavy to escape with, the heist forsaken, all was gone. The slick police cars halted, their tires squealing as they revolved into the black pavement without aim, men piling out of the cars in numerous, tight squads, guns pinpointing each figure of the gang-eyes narrowing as they scrutinized each tiny tremble or twitch, deciding if it was an attempt of escape or violence, while others curled into a crouched position, ready to spring through the slim opening in a matter of seconds.
Coming out of the last cruiser arriving on the scene was the general of this crusade, a smug snicker and a thin smile upon his gleaming posh countenance, lightly, almost tenderly, pushing the door shut behind him. Taking a mere few steps away from the comforting protection of his car, he raised what he held in his hand- obvious, it was a megaphone; There was no way that pretty boy got any dirt underneath his manicured fingernails, thus, the only job fitting his requirements was the important person telling the criminals that they had no chance of escape.
"We have the building surrounded."
He paused, gesturing, placing his free palm upward in the direction of the back of the lone building, the menacing clicks of semi-automatic pistols and orders bellowing from every direction meant that the back-as well as the front- was surrounded with half-witted idiots with guns, who weren't afraid to shoot.

Surrounded...
Beautiful.
So simply enacted to destroy the bandits.
Raising the boot before smashing the quite innocent scurrying ants.
Escape was futile.
Capture was certain.


6

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Comments:

okay i like but i'm going to tell you if you want to post more ch's you are going to have to turn it into a novel.

Posted: Aug 13, 2008

Author Comment:

Yesh, this is only the beginning, the -first- chapter. =D
I just want to see if people like it before I continue.

Ohh, I understand it now!
Soo sorry.
Thanks rat!

Posted: Aug 13, 2008

Good start:) Good descriptions. It's very promising.
Well done!
:D

Posted: Aug 13, 2008

Author Comment:

Thankies, Catherine. =P
I appreciate your comment!

Well I'm enjoying it so far. It's interesting. And also how do you get the music on there? I've always wondered that. =)
~Mandy

Posted: Aug 13, 2008

Author Comment:

Thanks Mandy. =D

Do you have an I-pod?
Well, you just click on add music then then go into whatever file you keep your music in.
Find the one you want and click on it and you're done!

this was good! i can not really tell now because i have to read the rest to know where this is going but i really want to read it!

Posted: Aug 14, 2008

Author Comment:

Yay! I'll get on writing the second chapter, this is where every falls into place and it gets /really/ good!

Hey Soul :) Sorry, I am late. This is a great story. I think you should continue! The dialogue is wonderful and the tone is outstanding. I like it! Take care, Regan

Posted: Aug 22, 2008

Author Comment:

No problem, you weren't late. =)
Thanks!
I shall continue, as soon as I find time to write the next chapter!

i like it so far! tell me when u posat the next chapter! ":)

Posted: Aug 24, 2008

very interesting so far cant wait to read more....

Posted: Sep 21, 2008

Author Comment:

=) More will be coming.
I hope by at least, the end of this upcoming week, I'll have one or two more chapters up.
Thanks.

Great story. Again your choice of words is VERY GOOD. Careful use of similes. Loved iT!!! One can really feel the sensation :p

Posted: Sep 21, 2008

Author Comment:

Tehe. I'm feeling so loved!~

Ooh! Big words big words :D I like it so far though it is really good! I'm a little slow and it was a little hard to understand what I was reading but hey I still liked it!! :D tehe

Posted: Sep 21, 2008

Author Comment:

Tehe! Becca businessed bigge words! xD Thankies, Bear Bear!
=;] Yoush get deh mustache smiley!

Interesting start, i always did like a good mystery

Posted: Sep 21, 2008

Author Comment:

As do I.
You may think you can predict the next move, but you won't in this story. =) I've been thinking of twists and turns for some time, though I don't have enough time to write down the next chapter!

~~Carpe Diem, my friend!

I like it so far its pretty kool.
Didn't bore me at all
:)

Posted: Sep 21, 2008

Author Comment:

Awezome!! It's gewd if it didn't bored 'eh! =D

a very well narrated piece of work, great job here. it leaves me hanging and wanting chapter 2. fantastic start.

Posted: Sep 21, 2008

Author Comment:

=) Hanging on the edge of your seat?
;D Alrighty, I'll do my best to get the next chapter up and running.
All I can tell you is that, whatever your common sense and brain tell you about what will happen next, is totally wrong.
Yesh. =D It's going to be crazy!!!
Thanks!

geat music by the way, what artist is it?

Posted: Sep 21, 2008

Okay, since you spammed me to read your material, I'm going to give it to you straight.

1. Your grammar needs a lot of work. Every other sentence had a grammatical fault in it.

Ex.

"Someone always walking the streets in a quick swagger, another giggling at the certainly newest gossip wafting in the air;"

You need to reword this. Bad sentence.

"Laziness in this place and time, portraits death or illness."

Unnecessary comma. Portraits should be portrays.

"That sadistic brute of a voice grunted, a thick sound bubbling in the back of the throat gurgled out of a bloody maw of a mouth, an unmistakable noise that had to be a laugh or chortle."

Bad sentence.

Etc etc. The novel is littered with it.

If you're at a point where you feel a need to spam people to get them to read your material, at least make sure to edit your material so that it is easy to read and follow.

You also used switched viewpoints twice in the story. First in the prologue you used "you." Then you used "I" once. You finally settled on a 3rd person narrative. Such things distract the reader. Stick to one or the other.

It sounds like an interesting thriller, but even if it has a great plot it won't be a good read with so many grammatical mistakes and jumping around of viewpoints.

Posted: Sep 21, 2008

Sweet. Really good imagery and descriptions.

Posted: Sep 21, 2008

dilapidated is such an awesome word, lol.
youve got a great writing style and this seems to be the start of a very interesting and original piece :)
please let me know when u update!

Posted: Sep 22, 2008

Author Comment:

It surely is an original piece of work, I'll tell you that! =)
I don't seem to have the ideas straight or the time to create a second chapter, though, hopefully, it will be in process soon!
Thanks!

Wow that was really well written. I think you may be going in a great direction and I encourage you to write more. :D

Posted: Oct 4, 2008

Also despite the errors, you'll do fine.

Posted: Oct 4, 2008

Author Comment:

Thanks =)
I'm going to revise it and change it a bit, but I've had no time... =[
I'll glance over my grammar and such, believe me, it'll be better.



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