Preface:
Life in the lively city of New York never ceases, as the title goes: "The City that Never Sleeps." Such a fitting title.
Beginning of the End:
"Hehe..This is going to be fun…"

Random First Lines: The night sky was filled with a certain dead feeling. I guess thats just the vibe a cemetary brings.The leaves... : Other » Read
In the city of New York, violence and schemes are always plotted, though always foiled. Then once upon a time in the twentieth century did a gang of quite intelligent bandits devise such a cunning plan that no one will be able to sleep at night, for fear of what will happen.
* In this prologue, this starts the journey of the Guardians of the Crest.
(They are called that for a reason, but I just can't tell you why)
~This is my first novel ever! So please, tell me how I did
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Submitted: Aug 13, 2008 Reads: 117 Comments: 19 Likes: 6
Preface:
Life in the lively city of New York never ceases, as the title goes: "The City that Never Sleeps." Such a fitting title.
Beginning of the End:
"Hehe..This is going to be fun…"
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okay i like but i'm going to tell you if you want to post more ch's you are going to have to turn it into a novel.
Posted: Aug 13, 2008
Ohh, I understand it now!
Soo sorry.
Thanks rat!
Posted: Aug 13, 2008
Good start:) Good descriptions. It's very promising.
Well done!
:D
Posted: Aug 13, 2008
Well I'm enjoying it so far. It's interesting. And also how do you get the music on there? I've always wondered that. =)
~Mandy
Posted: Aug 13, 2008
this was good! i can not really tell now because i have to read the rest to know where this is going but i really want to read it!
Posted: Aug 14, 2008
Hey Soul :) Sorry, I am late. This is a great story. I think you should continue! The dialogue is wonderful and the tone is outstanding. I like it! Take care, Regan
Posted: Aug 22, 2008
i like it so far! tell me when u posat the next chapter! ":)
Posted: Aug 24, 2008
very interesting so far cant wait to read more....
Posted: Sep 21, 2008
Great story. Again your choice of words is VERY GOOD. Careful use of similes. Loved iT!!! One can really feel the sensation :p
Posted: Sep 21, 2008
Ooh! Big words big words :D I like it so far though it is really good! I'm a little slow and it was a little hard to understand what I was reading but hey I still liked it!! :D tehe
Posted: Sep 21, 2008
Interesting start, i always did like a good mystery
Posted: Sep 21, 2008
I like it so far its pretty kool.
Didn't bore me at all
:)
Posted: Sep 21, 2008
a very well narrated piece of work, great job here. it leaves me hanging and wanting chapter 2. fantastic start.
Posted: Sep 21, 2008
geat music by the way, what artist is it?
Posted: Sep 21, 2008
Okay, since you spammed me to read your material, I'm going to give it to you straight.
1. Your grammar needs a lot of work. Every other sentence had a grammatical fault in it.
Ex.
"Someone always walking the streets in a quick swagger, another giggling at the certainly newest gossip wafting in the air;"
You need to reword this. Bad sentence.
"Laziness in this place and time, portraits death or illness."
Unnecessary comma. Portraits should be portrays.
"That sadistic brute of a voice grunted, a thick sound bubbling in the back of the throat gurgled out of a bloody maw of a mouth, an unmistakable noise that had to be a laugh or chortle."
Bad sentence.
Etc etc. The novel is littered with it.
If you're at a point where you feel a need to spam people to get them to read your material, at least make sure to edit your material so that it is easy to read and follow.
You also used switched viewpoints twice in the story. First in the prologue you used "you." Then you used "I" once. You finally settled on a 3rd person narrative. Such things distract the reader. Stick to one or the other.
It sounds like an interesting thriller, but even if it has a great plot it won't be a good read with so many grammatical mistakes and jumping around of viewpoints.
Posted: Sep 21, 2008
Sweet. Really good imagery and descriptions.
Posted: Sep 21, 2008
dilapidated is such an awesome word, lol.
youve got a great writing style and this seems to be the start of a very interesting and original piece :)
please let me know when u update!
Posted: Sep 22, 2008
Wow that was really well written. I think you may be going in a great direction and I encourage you to write more. :D
Posted: Oct 4, 2008
Also despite the errors, you'll do fine.
Posted: Oct 4, 2008
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