A Grave Situation
The ice pick was planted deeply into her eye socket. How did it come to this?
"I... I'm sorry honey, please don't be mad! I'll make it up to you, I swear."
It was Christmas Eve, 1993, and the stars were shining brighter than ever. The Christmas tree wasn't so bright, though.
"Hey Mari, one of the bulbs went out. Do we have any replacements?"
"Yeah I think so. Check the pantry, first shelf on the left."
Maria and I live in a cozy cottage in southern Kansas. Our home is the tiny town of Cunningham, on West Florence Avenue. The snow has barricaded us in for the past few days, but we've been able to entertain ourselves so far.
"I don't see them. There's only cans of spam and corned beef hash in the left shelf."
"Oh did I say left? I meant right. You know how I confuse the two! I feel so stupid every time I do that."
"Don't beat yourself up over it. I do the same thing with colors anyway."
"But that's different, you're actually color-blind!"
"and you're direction-blind!"
"Thanks a lot, Jay. You make my self-esteem punch itself in the face."
"What did I say? Don't beat yourself up over it, honey. Oh, I found the lights. What color was the one that short-circuited?"
"Green. Blue to you."
Green... Blue... fuck, I can't see anything in this darkness anyway. Might as well bring the whole box so I don't get it wrong.
"Hey, wasn't a Beavis and Butthead marathon supposed to be on MTV tonight? We can't miss that once in a lifetime opportunity, Mari!"
"Yeah, heh heh, butthole. Let's check it out."
I'm twisting the antenna every damn way I can. Why isn't there any reception? Must be too much snow on the roof.
"Well this sucks. I won't be able to stand being cooped up in here if we get no TV as well."
"Want to go up on the roof and kick some snow off? It might be messing with the receiver."
"Sure, could you be a sweetie and grab me the shovel and ice pick? I don't remember where you put them."
"Of course, master Jay."
"That's a good girl, fetch me a beer while you're at it."
"Fuck off and get it yourself... honey."
"Wow, you've got a mouth on you today. You keep it up and I'm just gonna have to hold you down and screw ya."
"Good luck with that, I've got my chastity belt ready just to torment you"
"Playing hard to get, aye?"
"I'll go find those tools, love."
She couldn't even find the goddamn tools. Bah, what is she good for besides sex, conversation, and love? Actually, what more could a guy ask for?
Now I've gotta go up on the roof with this flimsy ladder and I'll probably break my neck doing it. Wow, it sure is pouring down snow like there's no tomorrow. By the look of it, we won't be able to get out of the driveway for weeks... Shit.
"Hey honey! Check the TV again before I have to go up there!"
"Okay... Nothing! Looks like you don't have a choice!"
Great. Up we go.
It's actually pretty nice up here, fresh air. The tree above us really needs to be cut though.
The shovel can't even break through these layers of ice, no wonder we're getting no reception.
I guess that's why I brought the ice pick. Here goes nothing.
Bah! That chunk of snow off the tree nearly hit me in the head and fuc-
Oh... What the hell? Where am I?
"Jay? Oh shit you scared the fucking shit out of me! I called the hospital but even the ambulances can't make it down the street. You were out for the last three hours."
"D-do we... are we getting reception now?"
"Oh my god. You've been unconscious for three fucking hours and all you care about is the reception? Well then, you'll be happy to know that we are officially getting the weather channel. By the way, you laid outside in the snow for at least fifteen minutes and I couldn't even find you, hidden under all of it. Then out of nowhere you just stumbled in here and passed out on the floor! You have no idea how scared I've been for you!"
"Alright, I get it. Fuck. I'm fine though, okay?"
"Okay. Also, you should know that the news is calling this a category four snowstorm. It might turn into one of the worst we've had in decades."
"Well that's just peachy."
Oh fuck my head hurts. I can't even see straight. Must be one hell of a concussion.
"I think I'll need that beer now."
"Are you sure you should drink after being out cold for so long?"
"I'm a grown-ass adult, Mari. I can do what I want."
"Excuse me for caring, asshole."
"Don't even start with me! I could have impaled myself just for the sake of fixing our TV. I deserve a drink after that and you know it."
"Do what you want. You're the boss."
"And don't you forget it. Ha ha… lighten up will ya?"
"You bring up how you almost died and then you tell ME to lighten up? You're a puzzle wrapped in an enigma."
This girl drives me crazy sometimes… I guess that's what you have to deal with when you tie the knot.
The snow is up to the top of our door frame. We're officially snowed in.
"I can't believe we can't go outside AND we can't watch Beavis and Butthead… Some Christmas this is shaping up to be."
"Oh cut it out, Jay. It's not that bad. Besides, we've still got our presents waiting to be opened tomorrow morning!"
"Oh joy. I bet you'll love what I got for you! But you'll never guess what it is."
"Is it a husband who doesn't make an ass of himself every time he opens his mouth?"
"No but just keep talking. I'm gonna give you a pearl necklace, and I'm not talking about the jewelry."
*Bzzzzt "Haha, she's shaking her boobs. Hey Beavis, this video tells a story. Huh uh." "Yeah heheh I'm pitching a tent." "This story sucks. Heheh change it."
"Well now at least we've got those guys to keep us company."
"Oh hun this episode is great! I just wish we could rewind it."
"Sorry doll, but we don't even have a VCR. Shit's expensive."
"I know, but at least we have another day to watch em. Maybe they'll play it again tomorrow."
"We can only pray."
"I'm gonna make something to eat, what do you want? Since I haven't been able to go to the market for the past week and we're all out of fresh food, we have a choice between… Let me look. Creamed corn, spam, corned beef, and ravioli."
"I'll make it. It's nearly Christmas morning and a man has to treat his wife like a queen!"
"Oh you're just too much. Thanks for the consideration. How about some ravioli and corn then."
"As you wish."
Well I've got to prove myself as a man with this meal. Where's the pink apron to go with my gender swap?
Pots are cooking up nice. Even dog shit would smell good to me right now. I'm starving.
"Mari, would you some crème fraîche to go with your corn?"
"Yes, that would be lovely, darling."
Oh wow. Head rush. I need to sit down… maybe… rest a little.
Burning… Somethings burning! How long was I out? Fuck! Dinner's ruined.
"Mari, how long ago did I talk to you?"
"Probably a half hour, why?
"You didn't think it was strange that I was making NO noise for thirty fucking minutes and you don't even smell dinner burning?!"
"Well what happened? Why's it burning? My nose is stuffed up so I must not have noticed."
"Well I just collapsed on the goddamn kitchen floor this whole time and you didn't have the common sense to maybe check on me to see how I'm doing this whole FUCKING TIME?!
"Don't yell at me like that, you fucking prick! You were the one who wanted to cook dinner anyway."
"Oh yeah, so I'm the one at fault after maybe making a faulty judgment call with a concussion. In no way is my bitch wife going to take responsibility!"
"Fuck you. Fuck you fuck you! You think everything's about you. I was trying to enjoy watching TV and you had to ruin the night for the both of us by showing your true colors once again, Jay."
"Oh yeah. Because I'm the only one bringing in money to this house, I obviously only care about myself."
"Hah! You bring in money by cheating the social security system with your schizophrenia claim! You call that bringing in money?"
"You don't know what it's like. You can't even begin to understand with your fucking little brain the amount of suffering I've gone through to earn that check every month."
"If you're looking for sympathy, just go ahead and blow it out your ass."
"I'm done with this stupid argument. You're obviously too immature to handle difficulties in this relationship."
"Speak for yourself."
I'll sleep off this headache and deal with her in the morning.
Christmas morning, Fanfuckingtastic. Now I can't avoid her.
"Morning, doll. Sorry about last night."
"Whatever. Let's just open some presents."
"Sure. Open yours first."
"You don't have to tell me. I'm ready to tear this shit apart and get this day over with… A new VCR?! How could you afford this? We can barely even pay the bills let alone new electronics."
"I sold some medication."
"What the fuck? You need that stuff, remember?"
"I don't even use most of it anymore. What's the point?"
"Well don't come crawling to me when you turn psychotic."
"You better hope I don't"
"That gift was a gift for both of us, so where's the one for me?"
"Oh don't pull that shit on me. I saved every penny I had for you."
"I was just joking. It doesn't take much to piss you off, does it?"
"I don't have any patience for your bullshit anymore, that's all."
"The same goes for me, dick."
Now I have to unwrap whatever fucking trashy thing she got me. I bet it's some hippie crap.
"A Grateful Dead T-shirt and vinyl? Wow. Thanks. This actually means a lot to me."
"Bullshit, you know that my gift sucked compared to your monstrosity of overspending."
"Thanks for appreciating my generosity in spending everything I own on you."
"Fuck that, this was really just a gift for you that I could use sometimes. You are full of shit."
Oh you hollow cunt, I want to bash you in the head.
"Really mature, once again. I'm going to take the high road on this one."
"You always shut down when you know you aren't going to win the conversation, Jay."
"Maybe you should take a page from my book, then."
"Actually I'd love to burn your book. It's full of dirt and lies anyway."
It's been a day now since our last fight and the snow has started to melt. Maria went to the store for groceries and I'm stuck here watching more Beavis and Butthead. We haven't even talked for the last day.
"Hey honey! Did you get anything good?"
"Nothing for you. Get it yourself because I'm not your slave."
"Well shit… I guess I might get a candle because it's Alexis' birthday."
"Oh you mean the girl you murdered?"
"FUCK YOU! She died in my apartment from carbon monoxide poisoning. Do you think that's funny?"
Oh my god, I'm crying. I can't believe I let her get to me so easily…
"No I just love to watch you suffer."
"Well you succeeded, you sadistic and heartless bitch! You want to see me angry too?!"
As I dropkicked the Christmas tree I realized the lights were still on. Hearing the cracking of the bulbs, I felt the electricity vibrating though my body.
"Good job, dumbass. You want to catch the house on fire?"
"Maybe, if it would get me away from you."
"Funny, that was my Christmas wish."
"Mine was for a white-noise machine so I could drown out the sound of your voice in my head with something that is soothing and that doesn't make me feel like shit. I'm going to sleep early until then so you can't mentally torture me with comments about my dead girlfriend."
Alexis, is that you?
"Yeah Jason, how long has it been? Seems like eternity where I'm at."
Oh god I've missed you so much. My wife is horrible and I was just wishing I could hold you in my arms again.
"Of course you can! I love you and I've missed you so much!"
So am I dead? Is this heaven? There are green clouds all around us so it must be.
"No you idiot! You're dreaming."
Now I'm awake and have to deal with her again. Why couldn't it have been heaven?!
"What are you screaming about, honey? Did your dick fall off because you're not enough of a man to face his own wife?"
"Yeah, well if it did then you'd be kicked out of here because that's the only use you are to me anymore."
"That means a lot coming from a gutless crybaby like you."
"Keep it up and I'll be digging your grave."
"Oooh I'm so terrified of that threat. I might have to call a nanny to change your diaper because I can't bear to do it for you now.
I would love to be done with her. I'm to the point that I'm ready to make it happen.
She's the devil incarnate. The world would be a better place without her.
"Yes it's me. You want to be together with me forever, don't you?"
"Of course I do. I'd do anything for that."
"Well we CAN be together. There's only one thing you must do."
"What is it? I'll do it no matter what!"
"You have to kill her."
"Oh my god… I don't know. I don't think I can do it."
"Trust me, Jason. I know you. I know you can do it so we can be together again!"
"You… you're right. Lexi, I'll do it and then I'll never have to be without you again."
"Good, sugar. Just do what I say and it will be over even faster."
"Alright, anything. Just tell me and it's already done."
"You remember where you dropped the shovel and ice pick?"
"Yeah, they must have fallen off the roof with me if the gutter didn't catch them."
"it was all filled in with ice, honey. They will be on the ground and in the mud."
"Okay. I'm going to go get them. Don't leave me."
"I'll never leave you again, lover."
I've got the shovel and ice pick. Now what does she need?
"You only need the Ice pick."
"What the fuck? Can you read my mind?"
"Of course, I'm in a different plane of existence from you right now. You need to finish her off and I can cross through her body to be with you."
"Okay, now walk inside and Maria will be on the couch."
"Hey doll. Could you come over here for a second?"
"What is it now?"
"Well you know how Alexis died?"
"Yeah. I'm sorry for saying that stuff last night."
"It's okay, because we're going to be together again now."
"What? Are you seeing things? Don't kill yourself alright? I'll talk you through this."
It's too late for that now, Jason. Plunge the ice pick as hard as you can into the middle of her face.
I understand, Lexi. It has to be done.
"Jay, what are you doing with" *Crunch
"Oh my god."
Her lifeless body fell to the floor.
Where are you Lexi? You promised that you'd be here!
"Why did you do that to me, Jay?"
"No you're dead. Dead people don't talk. Oh god. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck."
The ice pick was planted deeply into her eye socket. How did it come to this?
"I... I'm sorry honey, please don't be mad! I'll make it up to you, I swear."
She's not breathing. Oh no, what can I do? If I call the ambulance they'll arrest me for sure.
"The shovel, Jason. Now you need that as well."
"Lexi, I thought you left me!"
"This isn't Lexi. This is you."
"What do you mean? Lexi? Don't say things like that."
"You're screwed, man. You killed your wife just because you told yourself to."
"You're lying, Lexi. I know it's you. I KNOW IT'S YOU!"
I pull the icepick out of her skull and it doesn't have a bit of blood on it. They can test it though, and they'll know it was me.
Tears are streaming down my face. My realization is too great to bear. The shovel. I need the shovel.
As I step outside, the sky has turned pitch black in the past 30 minutes. The shovel stands, dug into the mud and ice. I can only think that it reminds me of what I've done to Mari. I can never forgive myself for what I've done.
"You're already dead."
"Shut up. Shut up!"
I have the shovel now. I have to check on Mari. Maybe she's not dead. Maybe she just fell asleep.
She's sitting on the couch and the phone is off the hook.
"You bastard. You fucking lunatic! I can't even see out of this eye now you motherfucker!"
"I'm sorry, Mari. Please forgive me! I'll take my pills now I swear. Nothing like this will ever happen again!
"You're right it won't happen again. I called the cops. They'll be here any minute."
"Why did you do that? Now I'll go to prison for years!"
"It's what you deserve, bastard. Now you can sit with me and wait for your life to end, just like you hoped mine would."
Minutes pass; I'm holding my head together with my hands because it just keeps falling apart if I don't.
*Knock knock knock
I can hear their muffled voices at the door. It's locked, but it will be broken down in seconds.
Three officers enter the room and stare at me quizzically.
"Sir, are you the one who called us?"
"No it was my wife."
"But sir, it was a male voice on the phone."
"Do you think I'm that stupid?"
"What? Sir, what are you doing with that sex doll?"
"WHAT the FUCK did you call HER?!"
*Bzzzzt "Hey Beavis, this video tells a story. Huh uh." "Yeah heheh I'm pitching a tent." "This story sucks. Heheh change it."
Barbie Doll -
By Mars Sale