In order for you to under the following ramble and hopefully not get frustrated with me because it sounds as if I am talking in riddles I will write this rather brief statement...
He's conditions consisted of two things:
That I stay off the Puff and that I do not cheat on him.
Cheating is an obvious one, everyone knows what that means. Also, it is one condition I have been able to uphold with utter ease and never even pondered breaking.
The condition of discussion though, it is what I call The Puff or Having A Puff.
This name can cover a variety of things but it pretty much means smoking hard drugs via a pipe. In my case it was Ice or Speed smoked via a glass pipe, a Crack Pipe.
In drawing this condition though, he meant it to cover all types and forms of illegal drug use, but smoking the Ice was the big one for me.
I am a horrible person, I know that. In this world though, if there is one thing, just one thing a person can be utterly sure of, it is that I do not deserve this man, the man I currently the, the first man I have ever really had. The reasons to this are simple: He has been incredibly and almost unconditionally good to me, always standing with he's heart worn open on he's sleeve and a pure sincerity to do right by me. Only, in order for me to keep him as my partner and as the person he has been for me there were two conditions, a seemingly merely two conditions on which he asked me to abide by...
Despite my original and genuine good intentions to do right by him, to follow through in agreement to he's terms and my uncanny conscious or wish to not hurt him, as of yet I have been unable to uphold my end of the bargain. Therefore deeming me undeserving of this man. Wait though, do not let your judgment be finalized just yet as there is more, it gets worse. Not only have I failed in my part, I have also led and left him to believe the opposite, to live on naive and thinking that I am standing up to my end of the deal. This here, this is what really makes me a horrible and undeserving person, true!
This man of mine, he did not state these conditions of he's right up front, not at all, nor was he demanding or abrupt about it, instead it all came about in a gradual and tentative manner.
I suppose the conditions of topic were hardly even he's conditions in the end, but mine. This I ponder because as we reached the push to shove phase he tossed the ball into my court, turning these conditions into a decision, my decision to make alone, solely and without he's guidance. The decision options being that I accept the mentioned conditions and therefore keep him as my partner and confident, or that I decline these conditions thus removing the option to keep him as my partner.
Although he claimed he would remain my friend if I were to decline the conditions or even fail to uphold them, he would also distance himself from me, therefore causing me to lose the one person I had finally found in which I could communicate with close to any hour of the day or night and talk with about almost anything whilst trusting him completely to not judge badly of me or turn around and make a fool of me by using my confessions against me, or even spread around as gossip.
All this being said, if there were even traces of a good soul in me I would confess to him. I so badly know that I should, even the guilt in me, it eats me alive as the days go on, but I do not tell him, I simply cannot bring myself to do so. There are two reasons to this: One of them being because I honestly and genuinely do not want to hurt him, and I truthfully know that the truth will cut him hard, but the second reason: This one is a little more selfish, it is that I do not want to lose this, the fun we have, the good hearted person he is, the friend and confident, or he's trust in me. Yes, you read right, although I do not deserve it I still do not want to lose the trust he has in me.
Trust: Maybe it feels good to be trusted by such a person, but that is not the only reason I am afraid to lose he's trust, it is also because although in the past I have always been such a private and anonymous person, I overwhelmingly opened up to this person. I shared with him my daunting and personally damaging history along with many of my never before expressed or confessed insecurities. For him I stripped my walls to the extent that if he were to ever decide that there was no longer a worthwhile reason to respect the trust I placed in him, to not use my openness against me or to turn it into gossip for others, it would become more then I could cope with, honest to gawd! I would be cut beyond reasoning and rational thinking as it would flip me over the edge, drive me crazy, push me to the point of simply and plainly being unable to handle life anymore.
People think I am a dumb ass much of the time, and I suppose I let them. Heck, much of the time even I think I am an utter dumb ass, or at least I used to. In all honesty there were times throughout those early High School years that I secretly wondered if perhaps I was even just a little bit retarded as on the odd occasion I would randomly decide I did want to try and learn in my school classes, in the classes that interested me such as Psychology, English, Health and Science, only on those rare occasions it would not matter how much I genuinely tried to concentrate I just could not get it, understand it or keep up with the other kids around me, but you know what? It is not true, I am not a dumb ass, not at all, nor was it my fault that I was not at the academic level of my class mates, after all I had been to so many more schools throughout my life then any single one of them had and I had also missed tremendous amounts of those school years, plus, with the family I had during my primary school years there was no encouragement to bother, to work, to study, nor was there help to learn.
See, this being said, it is not that I was ever simply a dumb ass, right?
I tell myself, and think I near believe that if I had of been raised different, drifted through less schools and perhaps had one consistent and good influence in my childhood years then I would have been up there at the same academic level as the other kids of my age level and class. Heck, you knows, it is possible I could even have been one of the brainy kids, maybe?
Honestly, all I can really remember from those days is a lot of disapproval from all sides, disapproval for not being able to spell my name in Grade One, for not knowing my birth date, for not being able to read out loud as the book was passed around the circle and all the others took a turn, and then from my Mother when she was contacted and told her kids were behind. Anyway, only months into beginning Year Seven, the first year of High School there was no more living at home for me, my Mother had told me to get out one to many times. This being the case, I was drifting around from friend's house to friend's house, and although I did my best to be appreciative of and show respect towards my friend's parents, I quickly grew into a problem child with a snarly attitude towards the teachers at school. I gave up on learning, accepted life as it was and instead played on the rebellious and hard teenager image. This only lasted until I left school at the age of fifteen, moved an odd hour up the road to a new town, started a full time job and got my own little pad, a one bedroom unit.
The moment I changed from High School to the Work Force all the rebellious attitude was dropped, along with my Emo styled clothing and make up. In barely more then a heartbeat I suddenly decided that I wanted to be a grown up, to be smart, efficient and entirely independent. I wanted to get myself to the place where I could strut back down to my High School town and shock all those teachers and people who had told me that I would never get anywhere in life. Secretly I still loved the Emo fashion, I was still so full of insecurities, I was so often completely overwhelmed as I was learning this entire new way of living one hundred percent solo, I was never ceased fighting a degree of un-diagnosed depression, I felt dreadfully alone at times and within just a few months of living like this there was an incident or two in which sparked memories of my past and the resentment towards it, resentment towards particular people from it. Memories and emotions I had previously never let my mind wander too, it all begun to catch up on me and suddenly I was angry to such a wild and barely tolerable level. It was just never ceasing rage coursing through my veins, it was a feeling I did not know how to deal with and it pushed me into being a violent person, to reaching levels I never thought I would and still deeply regret.
Unknowingly, but through my pride and stubbornness I still never let on to the outside world what was going on inside of me. On the odd occasion I attended an event with my extended family, or even my bother, I was always smiling and talking things up, talking about how well work is going and whatever. White lies, so many little white lies, lies that all believed, they all believed that I was doing so great.
I am a fucking idiot sometimes though, true. Right now is the perfect example seems I have to go to work today yet I have stayed up all night writing and having the odd puff to keep me going. I should not have had a puff at all.
Part of me thought about just pulling a sick day and getting out of work altogether, after all my work college who also happens to have today off is coming into the work place early this morning, around nine o'clock or something, he is dropping off supplies, thus I was thinking that if I were to get in contact in time and come up with a good cover story then he could work my day, yeah? But then I thought some more, and if I do that my partner and also work college is going to grow curious as to why I was not at work, and possibly become suspicious. I could tell him I was sick, but then he will start asking all sorts of questions.
It was last time that I took a random day off work like this that I was on the gear behind he's back, in which he ended up finding out about. I am not sure if he put two and two together, as in if he realized that it was because I was on the gear that I took the day off work, or even if it was the same day, but if he does, if he gets suspicious of me he may just go and buy one of those drug tests. I can hardly refuse to take it seems I was the one who gave him permission to do so and insisted that I would not get grumpy with him, but if I have to take one and cannot find away around it then I will be screwed. I suppose all I can do is go to work, keep my head down and try to behave as a sober person would.
One more puff for me and then that is it, I will not touch anymore. If I push the limits to much I will be chewing at my lips all day, moving to fast, speaking to fast and will give myself away.
Damn it, why did I do this?
Really, the only reason I wanted a puff was because I wanted to write seems I never get the chance or time anymore.
It has happened to me a couple of times now, I have a puff, just a little one and suddenly find myself nearly throwing up, true. What the hell is with that?
I have had the same feeling before when I have had one really big puff, but not with little ones like I am tonight.
So yesterday I was really craving a puff all day, and I knew that I could quite probably get away with it when I got home and my partner and I are spending a night apart, yet there was something else that made me hesitate, that I used to try and convince myself not to touch the pipe, that was that once again there is a slight possibility I could be pregnant. If so it would only be a few days in, but still part of me clings to that hope. I pushed my partner into unprotected sex twice in one morning, however he did pull out before blowing he's load both times. Still, despite everything part of me just cannot help but cling to hope.
I only have five hours to try and sober up. Shit, this is so bad. There is no way I am going to be able to pull this off in town without someone picking up on the signs, no way at all.
I had another idea before, I could stop by the Chemist on the way to work and look for some pill or something that causes you to throw your guts up. I figured that if I were to go to the yards and then start throwing up then that would provide a valid reason to pull a sick day, yeah?
My partner said to me yesterday that he was afraid of losing me, right. Well, I turned around and said to him that he cannot be that scared other wise he would have been the one to yield, to accept that having a puff is just something I do and that it is not such a big deal.
Instead I was the one to yield to him, which should mean I am the one more afraid of losing him, yeah?
Yeah okay, you are probably, or possibly thinking along the the lines that I have not yielded either, that I am still doing it, just behind he's back. But I did yield, I completely gave it up for a couple of months or something, I just could not stay off it. I have dropped back my usage from daily to maybe once a fortnight too. That has to count for something, right?
I have to stop having a puff, but once I start it is so hard to stop. I set myself time limits, telling myself I will stop then, but once I reach that point I just keep pushing it further and further along.
I so badly wish I could just stay home all day, puff away and write.
Right, this is it, for real this time. I had my last puff around ten past seven, only eight minutes ago. I have to make myself stop now, no more. There is four hours left before I have to go to work. That the moment I am way to high, if anyone were to see me that would be able to tell in a heart beat, but I am hoping in four hours I will be able to keep it under wraps for work. In all honesty the only person I am worried about is my partner. I do not want him to find out, there will be no more chances this time and I do not want to lose him.
Hey, as I think I have written before, I am on the search for somewhere online I can write about whatever takes my fancy, mostly diary entries probably, yet have it open to reading by fellow writers and get some feed back, constructive criticism, tips and advice or even comments back on it. So far, in the rush I have been in, the website, All Poetry seems to be my best bet.
Fuck me dead, my laptop just had a melt down and all shut off on me. I had this entry open at the time and nothing saved so I shit myself, thinking I had just lost it all.
Because of that, while waiting for the laptop to start up again I went and had another puff, which was very naughty of me, I know. It is just so hard to stop once it is out, especially when I bare ever get to touch it anymore seems my partner is always with me day and night. There was one time I was smoking right under he's nose, locking myself away in the laundry or toilet to do so. I managed and got away with it, but in saying that it was also back when I was first coming off everyday use, meaning had not met the sober and few day clean side of me and could not really tell the difference, did not know signs to look for, he does now though, or at least better then what he did then.
I am running out of time and getting myself into a panic, gawd fucking damn it.
My head feels a little bit dizzy, I am sweating like a dog and there are pins and needles in my hands. That is not all, my throat is dried right up and I keep over-working my jaw as I do when high. I have not chewed at my lips though, not at all I do not think.
On another note, I have been busting for a piss for the past few hours but have not wanted to leave this, the laptop and typing, so all this time I have simply been wriggling about on the spot, dancing away the need to pee. Fuck, it is a good thing I am locked away in the bed room all on my own because if this behavior was on display I would be making the hugest fool out of myself.
I know I do not have time now, but the more I write the more I think of that I would like to write about. Bummer, so wish that I could simply stay home all day and do just that.
Although, there is another reason I have to go to work, apparently my work college's mate us selling he's brand new and still in the box Iphone Five. I told my work college that I was interested and he said I can have it for three hundred dollars. I said done deal, do there is some girl bringing it into me today and I have to take in the money.
Phew, I used to be able to save money so damn well, but you think I can do it anymore? No, no Sir, no I cannot. There just always seems to be things to buy and I do wastes a lot of money too. I do not think that is a single work day that goes by where I will spend any less then forty dollars on food and drinks alone, plus a pack of cigarettes nearly every day. It all adds up, and in all honesty, ever since the collapse of my little Eastern countryside home and then to be so badly hurt, abused and used in my Western countryside home after trying so hard to get my life together again, to be happy, to resume study and start rekindling that the savings to my house loan.
Shitting fuck, I just lost a whole damn couple of paragraphs. Fucked if I know how, I was writing, then something happened and it all just vanished.
All I was writing about is why and how I have lost the enthusiasm to save money for the future, for a new house loan and whatever, also how it is that in the last couple of months before leaving my Western Suburb home and in the following six months after or so my heart was hardened tremendously.
Maybe there was a reason the computer automatically deleted it, maybe that is a sign that I should should writing because there is not a person on earth you is really going to want to read though all this, or will even care. I would be shocked if someone were to read the whole thing.
I only have a couple of hours left to get myself ready for work and have my room tidied up and ready for my partner who is supposed to be coming around to stay with me tonight.
The truth is though, I am too high, I have over done it by far. I guess my tolerance levels may have also been down seems I have been taking lengthy spells away from the gear.
Oh well, all I can do is try my best to keep it under wraps at work, keep my partner from knowing. I will have to keep a bottle of water or other drinks permanently on me to keep my mouth and throat from drying out, take plenty of chewy and mints so that I have a valid excuse to continually chew and it will help prevent me from grinding my teeth or chewing at my lips. I have a bad habit of keeping my jaw clenched also when I am on the gear, but yesterday I did tell my partner that I would be starting the liquid diet today, meaning no food, just drinks, therefore this may work as a good cover up and if he questions me about there being something wrong I put the blame on being hungry or whatever, yeah? See, I have it all worked out. Heeheehee.
Oh, and if I find myself still moving or talking to fast by the time I get to work then I will just stay up on my carriage as much as I can, or at least away from my partner as much as possible, just so that he does not pick up on it. I should be fine by tonight, I hope.
Hmmmmmmmmm, I am just thinking here, do you think if I took a Valium pill it would bring me down to far? I am curious to try it, but at the same time I do not want to get to work and find myself going on the nod... What should I do? Wait, if there is a rational or logical person reading this by any chance I do realize that my last question was stupid, I should not do something like take Valium right before going to work, especially when it is a job such as mine where you are working right in the City whilst innocent, totally oblivious and non-expecting people are putting their lives into my hands, true.
So okay, how many people totally hate me right now? My guess is many of, if even any who have read through this entry. This is a bad entry and I am not always like this.
Look, part of me really likes the idea of writing online and hopefully getting feedback, but the whole not being able to use people's names or explain places or whatever in to much depth is hard for me to adjust too, seriously.
I miss Microsoft Word, it was the best and the one and only place I ever used to write.
Sadly though it was only the other day this laptop, the laptop that I am currently on also decided to break down and lose my one and only favorite program, just as my other two laptops had. Actually, one laptop, the one that is only about six months old, she seems to have broken down all together, I cannot even get her to turn on, which is a pain in the ass because on there is so many good photos, music and documents I still want.
My twelve month old laptop was a playing up for a while too, but seems to have come good now, and this one which is only a couple of months old, well it has been fucking me around since the start, the damn thing.
It is nearly nine o'clock and I am beginning to feel sleepy, ooops. This will be an interesting work day after all. What to do here? I can either have another puff, enough to keep me going, yet in doing so I risk getting caught out by my other half, or I can leave it alone and fight off the sleepiness all day long. If it is not overly busy in town I could probably even get a nap in, so long as it is the right work college I am working with today. The bloke I am supposed to be working with had flown down to Tassie for a day or two, but he was supposed to fly back to Melbourne this morning and work with me today. If he was to not make it back in time for some odd but unsurprising reason then I could be working with either the Boss himself or another young, spoilt and very annoying college.
Trust me, part of me would love to have another puff, but I am not going to, it is just not worth the risk, and I know that although I am guilt ridden and so peculiar about covering my tracks while sober, when I get high and I am peaking I begin to get reckless, take stupid risks, forget how to set a limitation and get carried away in shit, shit like typing. Also, it is only while I am peaking that I hit this mood where I have felt guilty for to long, then suddenly a switch flips and I get defiant in my opinions and ways, I reach a point where I state an think along the lines that he has no fucking right to ask me to give this up, to declare such an ultimatum on me, after all I was doing all this from the day he met me, I was so much worse and I was continuing to do it all as we got to know each other, as we started hanging out and when he asked me out, not once, not twice but three times. Ha, the first two times I rejected him and yet he still kept coming back, trying again and knowing full well this was what I did, this was me. I did it in front of him many a time and he seemed fine with it. It was not until after I agreed to go out with him that he suddenly started trying to change me and I foolishly agreed to give up these things. That is not right, is it? After all, it's like: Hello, if you developed a crush on me back then, if you genuinely like me for me as you claim, then why the hell are you suddenly trying to change me just because I agreed to a title, to officially be called your girl friend?
Seriously, if I could turn back the clock now I would stand my ground where I once did not. I would tell him then and there that this is who I am and I do not change for nobody. If he really likes me to the extent he claims then he should be able to see past this shit, if not then he can walk away, black and white.
Arrrrgh, I am been over all this before, and it is pointless...
He will never yield on the topic and I cannot hide it forever, all I am doing at the moment is buying myself time to make a once and for all final decision as to what is more important to me, the drugs or the partner.
Say there was a possibility to keep him as a good friend rather then a partner, and then freely have my drugs too, then I would snatch that option up in a heartbeat. I might miss the sex with him, but I am also quite confident that if I could keep him on good terms and close then I could also wriggle my way back into friends with benefits scenario, heehee.
Anyway, I should not jump the gun as I still have to get through today without being caught out. If he finds a cause to get suss on me today then I am screwed, we are over and all our plans about going away in February and whatever, plans of moving into he's new home with him, all that, it will all be gone.
Do you know something? I had gone a very long way down hill before meeting this man, a lot further then I ever even realized until a much later date when I was looking back and thinking how far I have come. I guess I was simply stuck so deep in the rut that I did not even realize that I was there or that it was even possible to come up again.
You see, this City house that I currently live in, and hate, I moved here straight from the Western Suburbs house, I moved here because one morning I woke up and that was it, I could not stay in the scenario of this Western Suburb house any longer, I just could not. It had been breaking me down for a long time and was getting worse and worse, in the end it simply was not a safe place to live and I had no comfort zone, no where to go where I could relax and chill out. So, in the space of the morning I found myself a new home nice and close to work and I moved in sight unseen.
The house was cheap, close to work and all I could arrange on such short notice, but it was also fifty and ugly and I simply hated it. For months and months I lived out of my suitcase because I kept telling myself this is only temporary, I will not stay here long, it is only until I get back on my feet, get some money saved up again and then I am out, I will find another country home for myself and my horses to live, only this time I will go back to the Eastern Suburbs. All of my furniture and so much clothing went into the garages and sheds and whatever of my extended family and friends, all with the promise it will only be short term, a few months at most.
I suppose though, as the time went on my anger and rage simmered, but so did my once feisty spirit. I no longer stressed and fired up over the situation in my Western Suburbs house, but nor was I moving on and forwards, feeling optimism or whatever for anything else, I simply adapted to this City house, gave in to it, forgot all about all my stuff in storage, even neglected my horses for quite a while. It took a bit of pushing and shoving for me to rise up for my horses, actually at the end of the day it became a situation where I had to do something, they were on someone else's property and had to be moved, no options. I did not do it then the property owners would have taken it into their own hands. I got depressed, simple as that, very bloody depressed, but through my partner I am getting out of the house, doing stuff, meeting new and good people, and slowly but surely the depression is slipping away from me. On the odd occasion I even get a little excited or motivated in life and I remark that I want to get back into study, finish that Psychology Degree, or I get motivated about saving my money towards a new house again, or, like the other day, randomly and out of nowhere I was just thinking right and I burst out with: I want to get back into Endurance Riding! Followed by: I need a new horse though!
Now, for the time being a new horse is a very impracticable desire seems I have no land of my own anymore yet still own an Arab colt, and two Thoroughbred mares, one being of retiree age but the other still being in her prime years and currently going to waste sitting in a paddock, but despite all that, in that moment I was more alive then I have been in a while.
I am in so much trouble. It is already nearly ten o'clock yet I have not even made a start in getting ready for work. I so badly wish that I did not have to go. I could pull that sick day if I really wanted to, but I would also be frowned upon for it and given a hard time by my bloody Boss. The honest truth though, I did not feel well last night, I was a little bit crook in the guts, close to had the runs and well, it is the same this morning.
Look, I could get through a work day if I really have to, I guess I am simply getting more and more nervous of getting caught out by the wrong people as time goes on.
If I have a good shower, do my make up well and drink plenty of water I should be okay, I hope, I really truly fucking hope. See, now that I have typed out the positive sides to my partner I am no longer feeling spiteful or resentful, just full of guilt and a little bit of fear I will get noticed. Blargh, there has got to be another way out of this. I guess I just should have never done it in the first place, pulled an all nighter on the gear.