I'm writing this to both of you at the same time bc he gave me permission to tell you both what was going on.
Haily, I don't really know much about you, other than I think he dated you? And every time he talks about you, he looks sad. I'm not sure what happened with you guys, but he obviously misses you and hurts like hell to the point where he can barely say your name without his voice sounding as though he may cry. (And please don't mention that to him, bc he probably didn't want me to tell you that). I saw your profile, and you have a bf now, so I guess he sees it's over between you two now, and maybe he did something stupid to fuck it up bc yes, he's been known to be a player in the past. I'm sure you both know that. And it's not bc he's a bad person, it' bc he's never had a dad in his life or any positive male role model to show him how to treat a woman, so he tries to put on this "cool front" to act like he's the shit in front of his friends, so he can impress them, bc he's never been taught by a man that that is NOT the way to treat a woman. And he doesn't listen to me when I try and explain it to him. I've been trying for years to explain to him how women should be treated, and he's seen the way men have treated me, so you'd think he would realize this, but he just doesn't for some reason. And he is SUPER protective of me. NO ONE is good enough for me. He hates everyone I try and date, so I just don't even try anymore, just to try and make him happy, and one less thing for him to be mad about, bc I've dated some sorry losers in the past, and he now thinks that all men who like me are like that, and no one is good enough for me, but yet, he treats me like crap, cusses at me, yells at me all the time, etc. It's like he hates me. I know he doesn't, but I really feel like he does sometimes, especially now.
Okay, so Jackie, you know I'm a recovering alcoholic. I've got almost 4 years clean now, and up until then, I have to admit that between the ages of 8-12, Bobby had a very hard life. I'm going to start with my shit bc this is where it started, so this will be long, so be prepared...And his dad's shit too, obviously, bc he has a lot to do with it too, but the beginning is going to be about me, so you can kind of see where he's coming from. I'll probably have to finish this tomor morning though bc there's a lot.
I tried my hardest to hide it from him, bc I knew I had a problem after a while, and I knew it was taking control over my life when he was about 10 or so, but had no idea how to quit. I tried my hardest to be a good mom to him, and only drink at night to start with, and keep everything well hidden, and pretend everything was perfect, but eventually, that shit just overcomes you. You can't control it and it takes over EVERYTHING in your damn life. I was still able to hold down a job the entire time, thank God, and I made sure Bobby had food, nice clothes, nice shoes, TV/Cable, video games, skate boards and all that stuff, so he was never financially neglected, and I never wanted him to go without any of that stuff, bc I was dirt poor growing up, so I remember what it was like not having name brand stuff, and being made fun of, etc., and I NEVER wanted him to go through that, bc it scarred me for life. I HATED middle and high school bc of it, and actually got pregnant with him on purpose bc I hated it so much, my dad was abusive, and my parents kept moving us around all the time, so I thought if I got pregnant, I could legally get married (I was 15 when I had him-2 days before my 16th b'day and got married to his asshole dad when I was 15, who turned out to be MORE abusive than my dad, so I am grateful as hell that I had him bc I can't have kids anymore, so I know God gave him to me then for a reason, I just wish I wouldn't have married that asshole, and kept him away from Bobby bc he is DEFINITELY part of the problem too).
Anyway, after I finally turned 18 and was legal, and my dad committed suicide (turned out he was Bipolar, so he couldn't help his anger issues bc he wouldn't take his meds, so I have forgiven him completely now, since I found that out). Just wish I would have known sooner when he was alive, and maybe he wouldn't have killed himself...who knows...I was 17 when he did it, so still a kid really. He loved Bobby to death, and had moved back to Nashville, where we lived at the time with Trey, (Bobby's dad aka asshole), and he slowly started coming around to me, and wanting to build back a relationship with me and be a grandpa to Bobby, and I was hesitant bc he hurt me so bad in the past, but I was also scared of Trey, and the more my dad came around, the more Trey knew he better not touch me or Bobby, bc my dad would beat the shit out of him, so we started slowly hanging out together, going out to eat, going to the mall to walk around and talk, take bobby to get ice cream-I remember my dad trying to feed him ice cream when he was about 1 yr old, and of course he made a huge mess, bc men don't know how to feed babies without making messes. lol And we'd just kinda hang out and talk sometimes (which was awkward bc we didn't know how to talk to each other really, bc after 17 years of abuse, it takes time to trust, and build a relationship, and he didn't ever come out and apologize for anything, bc I think he was so shameful, had so much guilt, didn't know how to communicate, and just really didn't know where to begin to say,"I'm sorry," and i understand that now).
Anyway, when my dad killed himself, I kinda lost it. I felt guilt, had unanswered questions, etc. It was horrible. He stabbed himself 9-11 times in the heart and chest area and didn't even die right away. He lived for 3 days in ICU before a blood clot traveled up to his brain stem, and he was brain dead. The first day, he was in a coma, but could still hear me and respond by squeezing my hands, flickering his eyes, and moving his feet. I was the only one in the family who saw this, bc everyone else lived in Chattanooga. (He had left my mom for another woman, and I found out later, that he had asked her if he could come back, and she said she would have to think about it, and she needed time).
When I walked in the room and saw blood stained sheets, stab wounds all over his chest and heart, and blood that hadn't been cleaned up all the way (they left them uncovered to air out), I was trying not to let him hear me cry, but I kept thinking,"No one would do this to themselves unless they were in so much pain INSIDE, that they were numb outside." I forgave him right then. I watched him for a bit before I let him know I was there, bc I was in shock, and I really didn't know what to say, but the nurse came in and said, "Jim, your daughter, Anna is here. Anna, come hold his hand. He can probably hear you, so talk to him." As soon as she said that, his eyes started flickering like crazy, his feet jerked and his hand moved, as if to reach for mine. I grabbed it, and he kept squeezing it, over and over, and flickering his eyes, as if he was trying to tell me something so damn bad, but couldn't. I told him I loved him, and he was going to make it through this, and the rest of the family was on their way from Chatt, and to hold tight, and just made light conversation, but that was the 2nd time I had ever told him I loved him. This was on Wed, Sept 17th 1997 and Sat, Sept 20th 1997, just after midnight, he was dead, and I laid with him in the hospital bed for at least an hour until finally my mom told me I needed to go home to Bobby, that he was in Heaven now, and finally at peace.
I never got over it, and began drinking after work every night, and Trey was a lazy ass and didn't work, so when I came home, I would start drinking right away, so I could get numb as soon as possible. Trey knew that since Dad wasn't around to protect us anymore, the abuse could begin again, and it did. And bad.
There's a lot more to the story, but I'm trying not to make this all about me, but I want you to understand where I was coming from and why I started drinking, so you understand, and then that leads up to Bobby now. And then of course all that Trey has done to him in the last 16 years.
Anyway, I when I was legal, I left Trey's sorry ass, and moved back home with my mom for a short period of time, found a job, was soon promoted to Asst. Mgr, and saved up enough to get our own apt and car in East Ridge. I wasn't drinking very often at all at that point. My main focus was Bobby and work then. And I was so proud at how much we had overcome.
Bobby doesn't remember the good times we had, but there were lots. I tried so hard to be a good mom. I was young, so didn't really know what I was doing, but i got my GED, and enrolled in Chatt St and made the Dean's List for 3 years (kept switching my majors and I had to make up high school classes, so that's why I never graduated). But during that time, I not only kicked ass in school and work, but I was a damn good mom, especially for being so young. I took him to baseball games, the Walking Bridge, the park, his favorite spot-the ridge in East Ridge so he could see "the lights," as he called it. We'd do it at least once a week at night. One day we were getting ready for church, and he was probably 5, and i said, "Hey Bobby, I have an idea!" And he said, "What Mama?" And I said, "Let's be naughty today and skip church and go to this REALLY big zoo in this place about an hour and half away, called Knoxville! It's A LOT bigger than the zoo here! You'll love it! We'll go to church next week and we'll just pray in the car. You wanna?" And he was so excited. "Yes Mama! I wanna go to the big zoo and see all of the animals! Hurry and get ready so we can be first there! Yay!! We get to skip church to go to the best zoo ever!! I love you so much Mama!" And he hugged me, and was so damn cute. And I read to him every night in his cute little race car bed up until he was about 6 or 7, and we had the pool schedule figured out perfectly at the apt complex. On the weekend, no one was there from 10am-noon, so we'd go almost every weekend and have the pool to ourselves for 2 hours.
But he doesn't remember any of this except "the lights," and it makes me so sad. He only remembers the bad shit that happened later on.
I eventually changed jobs, and even though I was Asst Mgr at this new store, I wasn't bringing in enough money, so I decided to get a PT job at a restaurant downtown. And that was when my drinking started back heavy again. (before then, it was maybe once a month??? Not much at all. Bobby, school, and work was my life). Anyway, there were a lot of college aged people who worked there, and started inviting me to go out with them. By this time, my sister, Rachel and her son and I had found a nice house to rent together to save money, and we were happy with the arrangements, bc she was in school and working too, and her son was a baby and Bobby loved him. So I started slowly going out after work, and letting my sister babysit. And then eventually, it led to me getting too fucked up to drive home, so I'd call her and beg her to lie to Bobby and tell her to tell him that I had to go to work early, and that's why I wasn't home in the morning. I felt guilty as hell, but I just couldn't stop.
And then eventually, I started dating a guy named Michael, who just started coming over to the house all the time to make it easier, so I wouldn't have to worry about staying out all night. We'd wait til Bobby went to bed, and we'd get wasted. And I couldn't quit drinking until I passed out. There was no such thing as "one or two drinks" with me. And I didn't know why. (later i found out it ran in my family, and now through counseling and AA, I also realize it was my way of dealing with my dad's death, my abusive childhood, my abusive marriage, etc. I hated "feeling" and just wanted to be numb). Finally, Rachel got pissed off bc Michael was always there, and moved out, so he moved in, but Bobby was still young, and didn't know what was going on, I don't think. I don't think he liked him, but I don't think he was old enough to see what was going on yet.
And I'm falling asleep, so I'll have to finish tomorrow morning. So sorry. This is just such a long, fucked up story, and the poor kid's been through hell, and is severely depressed, and I'm hoping you two can help, bc he specifically told me to tell you both everything, so I'm doing it. I just can't stay up any longer. I'll finish in the morning though. I hope you don't think bad of me. I'm not a bad person. I really and truly love him with all of my heart and soul and would do anything for him. I know I screwed up, and i can't change that, and I can't help that it's genetic, and i keep trying to warn him that it's in his genes to be an alcoholic and/or addict, and he's GOT to be careful, bc he's headed straight down that same path I went down, except worst, and faster. I cry every night thinking about it. I have so many regrets, and all i can do is apologize, and never do them again, and do what's right from now on, which I'm doing, but he just doesn't see it that way. He told me he forgave me a few times, but them throws it up inn my face when he's mad, so I will forever live with this guilt of hurting my child, when all I wanted to do was be a good mom, and now that I know how, he won't let me, and it fucking kills me. I would kill for him. Seriously. You fuck with me kid, and you fuck with me, no matter how sick I am. (I have Fibromyalgia and lots of other medical issues. Not sure if he told you guys that or not, but Fibro is a very painful, horrible thing to have, so that's why I've been in bed the last few months that you've seen me Jackie. And he's pissed off at God about that too. He feels that God is taking the one person he does have who loves him unconditionally, and is punishing us. I'm not going to die from it, but it just makes me hurt all the time everywhere, and with the other medical conditions I have, it makes the pain 80x's worse, so I've had to file for disability, and am only allowed to work 5 days a MONTH now bc of it per drs orders, which is why we had to move, but I'll get to that tomor). Too tired... Thanks for caring for him and being good friends to him. He really needs it now. PLEASE let me know if he starts talking about suicide or anything like that. PLEASE. I don't have access to his FB page, so I don't know what he posts, so if you see weird posts that make you suspicious, PLEASE copy and paste them and send them to me. He's mentioned it vaguely to me a cpl times this weekend and that's why I'm letting him stay with my brother for a cpl days. My brother is going to try and talk to him and figure out what's going on since he won't open up to me right now.
Will finish tomor. Thanks again for being there for him...