Sitting there I had a chance to reflect on the past, present and
future, but in all honesty it would have been easier had I of
known the answers to the questions that were stuck in my head.
I could stay there for ages, just going back through all the
things that had happened and fully understanding them: it would
have taken years, but I was determined to pass this phase in my
life where everything I said or did felt wrong.
Inside, I was angry, I felt hurt and betrayed by those I loved
most and I have to admit, it completely affected the way that I
saw people and the amount of trust that I put into them, it was
rare for me to trust people, I was scared of being hurt again and
it took me a long time to trust anybody.
Telling people and going into the huge depth of what had happened
was hard, it put a strain on me and at times I couldn't cope,
even talking to those close to me, I got the impression that they
didn't care, I felt trapped in my own world where nobody
understood and I never believed that I would find a person that
understood the way I felt, until I met one of my younger sisters,
As a young child, I had been bought up to never complain or worry
about life, but the way I was bought up affected me badly, I
trapped away what was happening, didn't speak to people about it
and I ended up so badly abused that those who cared found out in
the worst way possible.
When my older sister, Lily, began abusing me at a young age, I
felt that it was right; I believed that everyone was abused at
some point in their life, I saw it happening to my mum, my
sister, I saw people at school on the playground hitting each
other, and because of the world I was bought up in, I felt that
it was normal. I began to cope with the immense pain from a young
age and by the time I was eight, I was so used to it that no
matter what method my sister used to hurt me, I just lived with
Looking back, I never understood why my sister abused me; she
should have loved and cared for me, been there when I needed her
most and never caused me pain, but she did and I always thought,
whether true or not, that she did it because I behaved in the
As the abuse, physically and emotionally, became worse, I finally
realised, after years of agony, that when I sat still and didn't
speak, she didn't hurt me. It was then that I attempted to put a
stop to the abuse that I was suffering. At the age of 8, I
stopped talking, I refused to eat in front of people and I hid
when my sister came home. The abuse stopped for a while, until
she got angry and frustrated with me. In the small time that the
abuse stopped, I felt that I was worthwhile, that I could live my
life like the other people I saw wandering around, but I should
have known it would never last.
The time came eventually, where I thought that the pain would
stop forever, my sister was put in a care home, her violence had
become too much, even for my mum.
When my sister left, I remember sitting in the front garden in
tears, all I could do was cry, even though it was the end to all
the pain that she had put us through. It was a new beginning for
me and my mum, and I could move on from the life where I couldn't
move or speak without being abused.
A few months later, I still hadn't moved on, the whole thing
didn't stop going round in my head, it was all I could think
about. The time that I had alone, I spent in tears, there was no
possibility of me understanding what had happened to me and
moving on from the pain at that moment in time, so I decided to
enjoy life as it came, when I had a good day, I was happy, but
when I had a bad day, where everything seemed to go wrong, all of
a sudden I seemed to become depressed and hide inside a shell.
About a year after my sister went into care, I found that I still
couldn't accept what she had done to me, and I decided that I
wanted to go see her to get the answers that I needed, I wanted
to know why she had done it, whether she was happy at the moment
and if she missed me. The answers I got were far from what I
wanted, she said I should go to care because the presents were
better and you got more attention, I got no reply as to why she
had abused me which upset me, but I had to move on, I had done
all I could.
Gradually, I began to accept the fact that my sister was gone,
and she would never be back, but I still missed her being around,
when she abused me, I used to feel loved, I got attention from
her, whether it was good or bad, and now, with it just being me
and my mum, I was left to my own devices, the attention I got was
minimal and I felt rejected.
Rejection helped me through, I got used to doing things my own
way and learned to live my life without being hurt, and this
worked until I was about 12,when my Nan became involved and
decided that because of my sister and what had happened, she
didn't want anything more to do with me.
She couldn't have made it any more obvious either, all of a
sudden the presents, cards and visits disappeared and I never saw
her around, or if I did, she ignored me. The truth was, I still
wanted to see her, I missed having her around just as much as my
sister, and even though people couldn't see the pain and
heartbreak that it was causing me, it hurt, and again I felt
trapped in a world where nobody wanted or needed me.
In the end, my mum saw that I was missing my Nan, the constant
tears and mood swings told her everything; I didn't even need to
speak. She decided to take me to a councillor, where I could ask
them to write a letter to my Nan asking her if she still wanted
to see me. I waited for a reply for days, weeks and every minute
seemed like a year, in the end my mum got a phone call, with the
answer. I remember sitting there, almost in tears, just hoping
that she would still want me, but she didn't, the truth was, to
her, I was nothing, I was useless and she didn't love me anymore.
I had to move on, it would be hard, within a few years I had lost
my sister and my Nan, but somehow I knew I would cope, I had
coped before and what didn't kill me had made me stronger.
Until I was 14, everything after losing my Nan seemed to get
better, it wasn't life overall that became better, nothing great
or exciting happened that miraculously made everything better,
but nothing bad had happened, I felt like the worst had happened
and life could only get better.
Little did I know, I was very wrong. On Easter day I had a visit
from my Nan, it had been a long time no see and I was shocked to
see her, but I guess miracles can happen, so I looked at the
opportunity to speak to her optimistically.
She came in and everything seemed fine, she was smiling and I
felt happy to see her, but something felt wrong when she asked my
mum why I hadn't been allowed round to see her, both me and my
mum knew that was wrong, she had the opportunity years ago to
come and see me, but she declined it, so why was she acting like
My mum asked me to leave the room so her and my Nan could 'talk'
but I couldn't resist the urge to sit on the stairs and listen. I
know I shouldn't have, maybe my life would be easier if I hadn't,
but I did and now I have to live with the knowledge of why the
majority of my family blamed me for what had happened. I heard
them arguing, about my sister and my dad, I was piecing together
the information that I had, it was one of the most complicated
jigsaws I'd ever had to put together.
In the end, the information I had was too small and insignificant
to piece it together alone, so I asked my mum. The whole problem
had stemmed from my dad; it was him who left my family hating me.
I was disappointed to hear the whole story, I always believed he
was a good person; he'd just left because he couldn't deal with
the responsibility of having a child, but I was wrong. He had
sexually assaulted my older sister when I was just a few months
old, my mum had caught him in the act and there was no way he
could deny it. I felt like a bomb had fallen on my head,
everything seemed so wrong; I wanted to end my life there and
then. I didn't say much to my mum that night, there wasn't much I
could say without bursting into tears. I went upstairs where I
could be alone, I needed to think the whole thing through, my dad
wasn't the person in my dreams, he was a nightmare that had come
true. While I was upstairs I did things that many people wouldn't
dare to try, I got my dressing gown cord and tied it around my
light, at that moment I wasn't thinking straight and many people
ask how anyone can even think of attempting it, but then, I never
thought that I would be in that position either, I thought that
it was stupid of people who tried it, but in all honesty, when
you're in the right frame of mind, nothing scares you and nothing
is impossible, tying the cord around my neck, I wasn't even
afraid. But at that last second, I heard footsteps, I couldn't
hurt my family anymore than they had already been hurt, it had
been my fault in the first place, I couldn't just leave them to
put it right, I had to do it myself.
I untied the cord and just led on my bed, I didn't know how I
would survive with the knowledge of what my dad did and how my
family saw me, how they treated me, but I knew I had to, I was a
strong person and I would become stronger if I survived this.
For the next few months I had counselling, I needed to make sure
that I could move on from what had happened and for a while, the
counselling helped me paint over the bad memories with new,
happier ones, but the bad ones would always be at the back of my
When I found out about my younger sister Kerry, my world suddenly
seemed a whole lot better, it was like before, half of me was
missing, but as soon as I began speaking to her it all seemed to
get better, I found my other half. It was never as simple as that
though, my mum didn't know I was speaking to her, I was scared of
her saying that I wasn't allowed to because of the link to our
dad, it was a vicious circle, I didn't know what to do.
When I told my mum, she said it was my choice but she still
didn't want me seeing my dad, I agreed with her, but in my heart
all I really wanted to do was meet him.