Hope keeps men alive. This is the absolute truth. But I am tired of living only with hopes… Only if I had more will. I am weak. I am very weak. And tired. Tired is the right word. I often use the expression "I am sick of this", but that is not true. It just sounds louder, it sounds like a whiplash.
But the truth is that I am infinitely tired. I am tired of lies, of cheating, of bluffing, of jokes, even of friendship. But love made me weakest. It is as if it sucks my blood, melts my anger.
Maybe love is something sent to me from GOD himself, because it really makes me a better person.
But I cannot be without love. And what is love really (this word is even uncomfortable to write). Love is to listen to the bird songs, but the music in your head is much better; to feel the sun burning your skin, but to know, that your heart is warmer; to understand how big the sea is, but to know that your heart can hold two thousand seas like that; to breath in the clear mountain air and again to know, that your heart is purer. Because you love. The object of your desires doesn't even suspect how much he has given you, even when he doesn't care about you at all. So that is the reason people who say that unshared love kills, are not right. Yeah, wright…
It is beautiful to love. Not someone, but to only love. Your heart overflows, fills you up. It is as if you are ready to fly away with the lightest breeze and to run on the grass, not bending or harming even one stem.
I feel almost the same way now, but I am dirty. Because I am unable to love LOVE itself. There is a place in my heart for friends, animals, grasses, smells, the whole nature, my mom… but without a doubt some idiot (from the opposite sex) takes the lead and he serves me with a seat on the front row in HELL. The will service me as a guest of honor there.
Nevertheless … It is worth it!