When you have been used to the feeling that your fantasies are there is vain for years, you find it difficult to cope with the reality, which surprisingly starts to live up to expectations, daydreams. Everything being the way it really should be, you cannot accept the reality. How is it possible that what has been in your mind breaks out and is now so alive, so real, so wanted and craved. This is where my dilemma begins.
Never having found the right setting for my in-a-fantasy scenario, I get used to being insecure and often unreasonable. It often feels like there must be something in the way for the good to happen, there must be something that is difficult and interfering with what really ought to be / now is a dream come true. After being let down and misunderstood, what is the point of trusting, following the crowd? I am on my own. You are on your own. Or at least, that is how it used to be.
The confusion which never leaves my thoughts as something miraculous is becoming true and real, and existant is unbearable. I am lying to myself by creating silly reasons for not being pleased enough. And just as unbearable as confusion is the disturbia it creates. I am not letting myself accept the good just because it only might be an illusion. I do not let myself breath in the fresh as I always have to be weary. How to control what cannot be overpowered?
You seek for comforting and kind words yet again refuse to accept. Is it really possible that what I have been waiting for is now becoming real and true? By changing the routine I am losing the safe ground under my feet as I follow the unexpected. Follow the wonder even though it might seem to be unreliable. Yet again, how to distinguish between what is there for real and what is your imagination when it comes to pleasant surprises... If trusting is one of my weakest points, then should I go with the flow and do not care about the riddle? Or should examine every single detail, every single possibility and outcome to make sure about.. about what? Not being let down?