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I think about stuff...

Essay By: Neutrastaff
True confessions


This is just some stuff I think about sometimes. I wanted to add this earlier but I couldn't get the words to come out right. The first time I wrote this it turned out horribly and to tell you the truth im still not completely happy with how it turned out. But this is the best I can, as there is some that is apart of my opinion, some that actually happens. It's not fiction, but it does make you wonder "is this completely true". You may not completely agree with this as everyone has their own opinions but this is just mine that I wanted to share. Let's just say if you spend alot of time around suicidal people and listen to their stories long enough you start to question your own life.

Also I don't use profanity in real life, this is just what I think sometimes.


Submitted:Jul 20, 2012    Reads: 19    Comments: 3    Likes: 2   


I attempted to write this a few days ago but the words kept coming out wrong. To be real with you I still probably won't say everything that I intended on saying, as I go throughout the day thinking about stuff and want to share it, but by the time I begin to write it down it all disappears in the back of my mind.

Hey you reading this, have you ever wondered to yourself 'is where I am in life where im suppose to be'. I mean do you think that where you are currently are really was De place for you to be at. Do you ever wonder 'was this really suppose to happen like this, or was this just a glitch that happened in life somehow. People will say "everything happens for a reason", but does it really? I just wonder sometime that if things really do happen for a reason then why are there sometimes no right answer to questions except for being wrong this way or that way.

You know, have you wondered to yourself "why is it that some people can work hard but have nothing but there are others that have so much without lifting a finger to earn it". I think about that quite often. I don't want to disrespect anyone's culture and that's not what I intend on, just saying my opinion, but I think about royalty over in europe and other places away from america and think to myself "how does someone's gene's make them more important then other people, im sure there are other people in the world who can make just as good decisions as they can, maybe better, but they are held back by not being born into the right family". There's this thing I found out a few months ago called the "order of seraphim", it's a royal badge/metal thing awarded by the royal family of sweden. It's given to certain royal family members of other places, like england's royal family and the jordan royal family. To me it just seems wrong to instanly give a medal to someone just because they were lucky enough to be born or marry into royal family. Now maybe im not entirely accurate about that seraphim thing (afterall I think england and jordan are alright, just noted that they got the badge/metal) but it just seems wrong to me that you get a medal just for birth reasons or marriage, to me someone should be rewarded for doing something big in life, helping a large group come with a solution and add to the help, to do something positive for others to earn it (kinda like the opposite of being arrested for attempted murder, you don't see anyone being rewarded for attempted being a hero).

In addition, and this is really what I want to talk about, why is it that there are some people who work day in day out and don't have a damn thing. There are people who wake up spending anywhere from eight to twelve hours or more on the job and some people do have two jobs, but...they barely have the money to eat, pay the bills, pretty much keep themselves alive and they can forget about spending on pleasure material. I mean I know the economy's been bad for a minute, but still, I can't understand it, that people are doing the best they can doing all they can with what they have and yet the world just cooperate back. It's like you want to do the right thing and you do what you can and of course with such limited material it's not going to be perfect but you do as much as you are able to, but yet the world just says "fuck you, your not getting anywhere or anything because I just straight up don't like you, sucks to be you haha". It's like no matter what you do it will never be enough. Now that I think of it let me add this, it's about actors, how the hell can someone who pretends to be something make tons more money then someone who does the real thing in real life, that never did make sense to me. Kinda makes you wonder, whether or not there are any winners or just some people who make it alittle further then others for awhile before eventually falling. And why is it that all the bad shit happens to the ones who want to do something or did something good in life, like why do people who do heroic deeds like pushing someone out of the way of a speeding bus gets hit and killed themself...for helping someone. Well I guess cowards to tend to live longer, what kinds of story is that to tell, something like "I helped my own ass and now im an older person, see this wouldn't be positive if I helped others".

Everyday I hear the news, well I don't look at the news anymore because I know what's coming, either someone died, someone lost everything, there are people causing trouble of some sort, something about politics, or about how hot it is course it's the summer so how the fuck should it be. I mean, come on, I get sick of hearing all this negative shit daily, though not always on tv it's online also. Why can't something more positive come on every once in awhile. Well actually now that you think of it bad news does sell better, I mean they will spend days talking about some crazy nut going around shooting innocent people but they won't spend time on people who are beginning to make positive changes in the community. You know this isn't good for the public right. I mean, if someone keeps looking at the news they beging to think 'so this is all the world is hu, just negative horseshit, may as well just kill myself and save myself the trouble of living in this shit world, I mean I probably wasn't going to get what I wanted in life anyway', know what im saying. This is why I don't care at all about politics, im not a democrat, republican, liberal or whatever the hell they call it. It's just people in business suits talking about problems, pretending to make solutions by talking around the problem rather then facing it directly (honestly probably monkeys can run congress better, actually don't even get me started about foxnews which is pretty much a politic news station centering around that political shit). Come to think of it, that's the problem with most problems, people won't face the situation directly as it's easier to go around it or to see if they can ignore it and wait for it to go away on it's own (let me know if that works by the way).

To me politics was just invented to keep people separated so they can make reasons to kill one another, similar to religion but that's another story for another day.

There are so many people out there, great people, the problem is we don't hear about them. They are hidden away from the public eye and aren't shown as often so we do not hear about them. Im talking about homeless people and people who are stuck in a bad position, wrong places like city areas with violence and drugs and shit like that, guns, there are some people who want to get out of where they are but cannot for too many reasons. The thing is, some of these people, they may have just what is needed for a better world, for lack of a better term, or I guess you can say they could be great leaders. Problem is they are shunned because of the reasons I mentioned, and for I guess being poor and not giving other people what they want (like they can build a city overnight but you'll be mad and curse them because they didn't make you a paper airplane) like no matter what they can do right they are neglected because they didn't give others exactly what they wanted, like they think 'to hell with what you can do, you aren't perfect or gave me what I wanted so go fuck yourself' (and yes people really do think that though they won't amitt it outloud). I once heard someone say "the greatest treasures on the planet are in the graveyard, people who could had made a difference and would had done so much, writing great books, helping others, creating beautiful pieces of art. The problem is they never took a stand, were too afraid to step forward", which I agree to as if you want something you have to speak up and say it because people aren't going to ask you what you want, but I say in addition to that maybe they didn't get the help they needed to help accomplish what they were good at. They may had been successful and spreaded their positivity to others if they had gotten the opprotunity and if the right people would had noticed them. Course when you think of it...maybe they were fucked from the beginning you know. I mean looking at the school systems in america, you don't have anything, I mean if a student messes up alittle no teacher is going to come over and help them, they just end up getting put in some class and let them sit there for the rest of their school career. Maybe they could had done more if the right teachers would had given more motivation (course then again, most teachers are just there for that free pay check so who cares as long as they get paid then got the fucking nerve to fuss about not getting paid enough).

Then there are critical people and judgemental people. These are the ones who look at someone in a bad/tight spot going "hey there's something fucked up about them, I don't know what the hell is their problem", just by looking at them. The person in need is going 'I am not trying to hear what your opinion is, can't you just find it in your heart to atleast lend positive advice'. See that's the problem, most people keep saying what's wrong and what needs to be different but aren't willing to lend a hand to fix things. To me if you aren't adding anything positive to the batch then there is no need to speak up when things aren't going your way.

I want to mention this also. There are some people who will get to the top but in the process they will fuck people over in the process of getting there. They will step over others not caring who get's hurt in the process. Sometimes people will come together just for the soul purpose of causing pain and harm to others. If you take a group of people and throw them together they begin to split and start taking sides, that one group becomes atleast two, then start thinking of reasons to kill one another. When people are pushed into a tight spot they will do anything to get out of it, turning to whoever or whatever provides a solution.

Personally, I see myself as a leader, someone to help people make positive changes. Deep down since I was a young child (well honestly I don't have too many memories of my childhood but the bits that do come) I always felt that im someone who was like a hero, a protagonist of a story of sorts, someone who makes the right choices when others don't. Now im currently in college right now planning stuff out. Sometimes I think of when I was younger, well back in highschool as that's the clearest memories I had, I see all these groups of people and though 'hey if I was apart of their group I would add so much and make things better', course back then people hated you if you weren't smart or rich enough. This actually helped shaped my character into who and what I am today. You see the people who I wanted to be around I couldn't, either because they told me to get lost or because they were too far, another race, religion and people were telling me "stay with your own". There were people who wanted me to go on a darker path and pretty much...become a steriotype, be like everyone else. So I can't be where I feel I should be and I refuse to be where everyone wanted me to be. What did I do...welll...if A and B don't work, then you make C. I made my own path, going down a "neutral" path belonging to no group but at the same time using both light and dark thoughts, suggestions and other ways and methods to come up with the best solutions to problems and situations. This is DEFINITELY not for everyone. You see, using both sides people are like "your not completley one of us because you think of what the enemy thinks, so your wrong", all groups of people say that. Im just like "I was never in any group to begin with". But you know it's a pretty isolated life as i've been on my own for nearly a decade now but then again I like this way as it means that with me belonging to no group I can honestly say that I am a true individual. Sure I have my opinions about things sometimes but I stay true to myself and don't change my beliefs. When I choose to do the right thing, it's not because I seen someone else do it, not because a god will punish me if I don't or reward me if I do, or to get something in general (course honestly I do want a thanks sometimes haha). If I had to say what side am I on, i'd say im on the right side, whichever side wants to do the right thing, the real right thing, not what someone wants or what they think is the right choice, but the actual "right" thing to do, if there's a right answer that is, otherwise you know what my answer to that is.

Boy this thing turned out shorter then I though it would, told you I wouldn't get everything I was thinking of down. This is mostly probably all just one big rant but it's just some stuff I think about, among others. Another thing is that eternal return shit, you know how the universe is suppose to die and be reborn again...exactly the same way and everyone relives their exact same lives(so I get to die, come back and all the things I wanted to do I get to not do it all over again). Hope it isn't true, not a bad life but I wouldn't want to come back here like this again. But anyway I really wish I could had talked about racism as I really wanted to get into that. I have all kinds of stuff to say but it may been alittle offensive which is why I didn't say anything. Let's just say I saw the movie 'Crash' that came out in 2004 and it had alot of stuff that made me think, which is one of the inspirations that made me want to write this stuff. It's a movie worth watching if you hadn't seen it. I pretty much deals with similar issues that I mentioned.

Guess i'll end it here, as usual I don't know what to say to close it. This is just some stuff I think about sometimes, among others, as I mentioned I wanted to talk about racism and also I wanted to talk more about religion but I didn't know how to fit it in which is why I didn't include it. That whole "god isn't real, he is real, he is real but he's different then the one you believe in", I kinda wanted to talk about that stuff, but oh well. As I say when I go out on a mission or end a transmission: Neutra out.





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