As I sit here alone, writing to you, I find my
eyes filling with tears again. Seems I cry so much lately.
Sometimes the tears scare me for they go far deeper than I
understand and they have taken on a new depth that I find no way
to describe. It seems it is now that my mind opens up and words
flow from me that I do not understand.
This quiet world I live in is so silent at times it is deafening
but at other times it rages with such a force that I wonder if
anyone outside of me hears what I hear. Sometimes no voices
pierce as loud as many voices devouring my thoughts. Sleep does
not come except during for a couple of hours during mid-morning.
I feel lost within. Sometimes the ultimate sleep seems the only
way to escape what I feel.
Finding words to say what I feel seems impossible. They come and
go in an instant. The wall around me traps me and I go inside
myself for safety. I am so afraid to move yet too afraid not too.
At times my thoughts go numb, which matches my insides. At times
silence lies all around and suffocation cuts off my reality. At
other times the inside world is colliding with the outside real
world that it chokes me and I cannot breath.
Sometimes, I float away, just out of reach of reality-reaching
for a place that seems so familiar yet it is not. Sometimes I
reach out in an emptiness that surrounds me when all is empty.
Fear takes on a new meaning there. It is not only felt but has
the knowledge of experience. There seems to be so much encircling
my mind but I find no words to explain the feelings. I find
myself searching deep within the recesses of my mind for
understanding of what is not understandable.
Time ticks away and I continue to write. Somehow writing gives me
strength to keep going. Somehow these words speak through the
silence that would otherwise have no voice, no escape. This
maddening world of silence and voices plays with my sanity.
Sometimes it is as no one exists and sometimes in that
non-existence, I find it would be so easy to slip away, to never
Conflicting thoughts invade as though nothing else matters
causing me to feel deeper exhaustion. To live minute by minute is
all I can do, and sometimes those minutes are so long. Yet here
it is another night and I sit here writing once again. It feels
as though the keys are my voice and the screen my refuge. Quietly
words scrawl across the screen, not even the sound of
It is like a silent world right now of thoughts coming and
going-wondering if the words even make sense, sharing feelings
that would otherwise not ever be shared. Silent screams like the
ones screamed so long ago. And those that come at times when I
hear nothing else. In between the lines are words you do not
hear. "Help" such a small four letter word that says so
I feel lost. Part of me is hiding afraid to be seen or heard. Yet
another part wishes just to be held somewhere safe. Everything
moves so slowly over and over again. My world as I was beginning
to grasp has shattered. Writing feels like my only way of
existing. The world feels like an open trench ready to swallow me
up. I feel so raw and exposed. I always felt from some other
place in time that was very distant from me. This is too close to
me. My heart is crying as much as my eyes. I feel so afraid. This
pain and these words are real. And somewhere in all this-I am
Silence echoing, yet pain at times stinging and in the darkness I
cry out without words. Emotions run deep-deeper than even I can
tell. Thoughts cloud my mind to this imprisonment fear is holding
over me. Emptiness surrounds my being; the humming of the
computer seems so distant. And all I have are these silent words.
They say so little yet they say it all.
| Email this Essay
| Add to reading list