I'm living life but not for the purpose of living life. It's just that living seems like so much better of an alternative between life and death.
You know how, when choosing collegiate majors, you choose something you understand and see a future in - even if it's not exactly for you. That's how I chose life. It's akin to majoring in biology instead of mathematics. Mathematics, in this allegorical example, is the equivalent of death; biology is life. Biology has prospects - social health, medicine, etc. Mathematics. Where the hell will that take you? The future of death, like math, is a blurry, black hole, and I'm not sure I want to take my chances with it.
Calvinists believe life is a mere beginning. For certain "elect," or elite, a pre-destiny will provide the keys to the locked gates of heaven. This heaven is supposed to be far superior to life. I guess it's a place with an infinite supply of food, shelter, and all the wishes a person could ever ask for. For my dad - who has a predilection for well-endowed breasts - there must be a lot of juggs, or more politely, hot women walking the four corners of heaven. Yet, this heaven place seems too unreal to exist.
Others believe in reincarnation. Where in, the creatures of today will return to life postmortem. No, not zombies. Humans and our fellow fauna will experience a rebirth. But will I return as a human or another sort of animal? Karma's a bitch, and I wouldn't be surprised if I was born again as a fly, just to be swatted by an annoying kid (just like me). Reincarnation, similar to the mystical heaven, seems like something out of a trite fairy-tale.
And then there are the scientific veracities. We are born with the sole purpose of reaching a sexual fitness of 1.0, reproducing, rearing young, and then finding a happy home buried beside our family. That doesn't seem all that bad, but it means life just stops for us. After 70 years or so of living, we just stop. This is the most confusing option because if we are born to die, without the forecast of having some sort of rebirth, then why do we love, grow, develop, change, and form into ourselves over the course of a single, human life. It seems like all the growth we undergo goes to waste, buried alongside our lifeless corpses.
So, now you can see why I chose life over death. I don't quite understand either, but death is definitely the more questionable of the two…and I just don't know where it would take me. I feel like we're all stuck in a questionable life, fearing a questionable death.