It's funny how everything is tied to everything else in some form
or other. When you look at things from a logical perspective,
there are some things that just don't make sense. Sometimes, when
you're in the right mood, you might find yourself questioning
these things, and when the answer comes to you, sometimes you
feel like you were better off not knowing it. For example, how
can there possibly be a physical connection to emotions you're
feeling? How can you possibly feel sadness, inside not only your
mind, but your physical body?
Well, there are some things that simply can't be explained until
you feel them for yourself, and that feeling is one of those
things. I know it's funny that I say that, because the purpose of
me writing this is to explain how this feels. But I think the
central topic is not for you, the reader, to comprehend the how,
but the what. I want you to have an idea of what consuming, nerve
wracking, hopeless sadness and loneliness feels like, and though
you may not have experienced this feeling for yourself, by the
end of this read, my goal is for you to wish that you never do.
First off, I want to make something clear: if, for any reason,
you read this, and feel like you are in any way responsible for
the way I'm feeling, don't worry, because it's not your fault.
It's mine. Sure, the feelings are triggered by outside factors,
but you can understand that everyone has a different emotional
sensitivity and everyone handles situations differently. Some
people would handle the situation I was in without a sweat, and
some people, like myself, take it a little harder.
The thing that embarrasses me the most about the way I'm feeling
is, in fact, what brought it on in the first place; love. I have
always resented the idea of love, I hate to talk about it with
anyone, and it's something I always tried to avoid at all costs
because it was so far out of my comfort zone. But sometimes,
despite all you do to avoid love and it's associated feelings and
problems, somebody comes along that just completely puts you
under their spell, and you are helpless to shake yourself free.
This person consumes you; not another living soul on the Earth
crosses your mind, and you feel like your life will not be
complete until you are holding them in your arms.
Which is why it is so unbelievably hard to try and accept the
fact that they are not meant to be with you. For those of you who
have yet to experience this, I pray that you never experience
infatuation on the level that I have, because the consequences of
rejection are terribly unhealthy. A good friend turned into an
object of desire; and despite your best efforts to shake the
feelings, they never go away and you think about them before you
fall asleep at night, and again when you wake up every morning.
Then comes the knowledge that they aren't interested in you that
way, which, considering the level of emotion running through you
already, is pretty devastating in itself. First you enter denial;
clinging onto desperate threads of hope, asking the worst
attention-seeking questions, feeling like a terribly annoying
person. You finally break, and tell this person exactly how you
feel about them, hoping that their knowledge of your situation
will help you move past an obession that has become so consuming
as to be almost ridiculous. And for a time, it works and you feel
But it doesn't stop there. You put in your best efforts to get
over this person that you wasted countless hours thinking about,
but now you can't help but feel like every little thing they do
has a drastic emotional effect on you. They say hi to another guy
in the hallway, and you think "why doesn't she hi to me like
that?" She asks someone for a hug, and you feel unloved when you
realize she never asked you for a hug without a reason before.
You see other guys compliment her and fighting for her attention,
which she gives to them, and you become enraged, and you think
"how can she do that to me? After all I've done for her? After I
show her how much I care? She's going to make me an afterthought
and treat all these newcomers better than she ever treated me."
Now, from an outside perspective this probably will sound
ridiculous, but eventually this consumes you, and you fall into a
perpetual state of sadness: a depression, if you will. I'm not
asking you to understand how this could possibly happen, all I am
asking is that you do understand that it did.
This consumes you again for a while, and despite all the support
from your friends it feels like there is nothing you can possibly
do to forget about this one woman who has made your life
miserable. Reaching a break point, one night after finally having
the emotional strength to spend time with her again, you tell her
everything she does and how it makes you feel. The release is
great; you think "now she'll understand, I hope she feels like a
terrible person and realizes the error of her ways." But then...
you realize that's not actually what you want, because you still
love her, and what you've said to her has made her very upset.
Because of this, it's actually you that ends up feeling like the
Now you feel like you've buried yourself in a hole that will be
difficult to climb out of. You know you have no hope of being
with this person; but now, because of your all consuming
loneliness and despair, you fear that you are losing grip on your
friendship with them as well, and, in turn, a grip on reality.
You feel like an idiot, an absolute idiot. How can one girl
possibly change your life from a simple and happy one, to one
filled with nothing but infinite sadness, and loneliness?
You're starting to go insane. You lose your appetite, you
question why you even exist on the Earth, you lose the will to
succeed that's defined you for your entire life. You feel like
you're stuck in an abyss and that there's no hope of ever
escaping. You know that soon you will move away to a new place
with new promises, but you don't feel hope any more because the
sadness inside of you has completely taken you over. You cry
yourself to sleep every night, when you once thought crying was
something that weak minded people did. You hate yourself, and you
hate the person that did this to you; but yet you don't blame her
for it, because you are the one that loves her, and she hasn't
intended to do anything wrong. All you can do is sit there, sit
there and wait for someone or something that you are no longer
convinced will ever come along. You know this is no way to live,
but there is no way out; what can one man do, except be patient?
So like I said, it's funny how things work sometimes. How you can
change from a mentally strong and proud man, to a broken mess of
thoughts and emotions. I don't expect you to understand how I got
this way, I only want you to know that I did, and I warn those of
you reading; please, be extra careful before you fall hopelessly
in love, because sometimes getting back up afterwards can be the
hardest thing you've ever done in your life.