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Understanding Sadness

Essay By: WhereamI
True confessions

This is what's been going on inside my mind the past few weeks. Read if you dare..

Submitted:Oct 13, 2012    Reads: 56    Comments: 2    Likes: 0   

It's funny how everything is tied to everything else in some form or other. When you look at things from a logical perspective, there are some things that just don't make sense. Sometimes, when you're in the right mood, you might find yourself questioning these things, and when the answer comes to you, sometimes you feel like you were better off not knowing it. For example, how can there possibly be a physical connection to emotions you're feeling? How can you possibly feel sadness, inside not only your mind, but your physical body?
Well, there are some things that simply can't be explained until you feel them for yourself, and that feeling is one of those things. I know it's funny that I say that, because the purpose of me writing this is to explain how this feels. But I think the central topic is not for you, the reader, to comprehend the how, but the what. I want you to have an idea of what consuming, nerve wracking, hopeless sadness and loneliness feels like, and though you may not have experienced this feeling for yourself, by the end of this read, my goal is for you to wish that you never do.
First off, I want to make something clear: if, for any reason, you read this, and feel like you are in any way responsible for the way I'm feeling, don't worry, because it's not your fault. It's mine. Sure, the feelings are triggered by outside factors, but you can understand that everyone has a different emotional sensitivity and everyone handles situations differently. Some people would handle the situation I was in without a sweat, and some people, like myself, take it a little harder.
The thing that embarrasses me the most about the way I'm feeling is, in fact, what brought it on in the first place; love. I have always resented the idea of love, I hate to talk about it with anyone, and it's something I always tried to avoid at all costs because it was so far out of my comfort zone. But sometimes, despite all you do to avoid love and it's associated feelings and problems, somebody comes along that just completely puts you under their spell, and you are helpless to shake yourself free. This person consumes you; not another living soul on the Earth crosses your mind, and you feel like your life will not be complete until you are holding them in your arms.
Which is why it is so unbelievably hard to try and accept the fact that they are not meant to be with you. For those of you who have yet to experience this, I pray that you never experience infatuation on the level that I have, because the consequences of rejection are terribly unhealthy. A good friend turned into an object of desire; and despite your best efforts to shake the feelings, they never go away and you think about them before you fall asleep at night, and again when you wake up every morning.
Then comes the knowledge that they aren't interested in you that way, which, considering the level of emotion running through you already, is pretty devastating in itself. First you enter denial; clinging onto desperate threads of hope, asking the worst attention-seeking questions, feeling like a terribly annoying person. You finally break, and tell this person exactly how you feel about them, hoping that their knowledge of your situation will help you move past an obession that has become so consuming as to be almost ridiculous. And for a time, it works and you feel happy.
But it doesn't stop there. You put in your best efforts to get over this person that you wasted countless hours thinking about, but now you can't help but feel like every little thing they do has a drastic emotional effect on you. They say hi to another guy in the hallway, and you think "why doesn't she hi to me like that?" She asks someone for a hug, and you feel unloved when you realize she never asked you for a hug without a reason before. You see other guys compliment her and fighting for her attention, which she gives to them, and you become enraged, and you think "how can she do that to me? After all I've done for her? After I show her how much I care? She's going to make me an afterthought and treat all these newcomers better than she ever treated me."
Now, from an outside perspective this probably will sound ridiculous, but eventually this consumes you, and you fall into a perpetual state of sadness: a depression, if you will. I'm not asking you to understand how this could possibly happen, all I am asking is that you do understand that it did.
This consumes you again for a while, and despite all the support from your friends it feels like there is nothing you can possibly do to forget about this one woman who has made your life miserable. Reaching a break point, one night after finally having the emotional strength to spend time with her again, you tell her everything she does and how it makes you feel. The release is great; you think "now she'll understand, I hope she feels like a terrible person and realizes the error of her ways." But then... you realize that's not actually what you want, because you still love her, and what you've said to her has made her very upset. Because of this, it's actually you that ends up feeling like the terrible person.
Now you feel like you've buried yourself in a hole that will be difficult to climb out of. You know you have no hope of being with this person; but now, because of your all consuming loneliness and despair, you fear that you are losing grip on your friendship with them as well, and, in turn, a grip on reality. You feel like an idiot, an absolute idiot. How can one girl possibly change your life from a simple and happy one, to one filled with nothing but infinite sadness, and loneliness?
You're starting to go insane. You lose your appetite, you question why you even exist on the Earth, you lose the will to succeed that's defined you for your entire life. You feel like you're stuck in an abyss and that there's no hope of ever escaping. You know that soon you will move away to a new place with new promises, but you don't feel hope any more because the sadness inside of you has completely taken you over. You cry yourself to sleep every night, when you once thought crying was something that weak minded people did. You hate yourself, and you hate the person that did this to you; but yet you don't blame her for it, because you are the one that loves her, and she hasn't intended to do anything wrong. All you can do is sit there, sit there and wait for someone or something that you are no longer convinced will ever come along. You know this is no way to live, but there is no way out; what can one man do, except be patient?
So like I said, it's funny how things work sometimes. How you can change from a mentally strong and proud man, to a broken mess of thoughts and emotions. I don't expect you to understand how I got this way, I only want you to know that I did, and I warn those of you reading; please, be extra careful before you fall hopelessly in love, because sometimes getting back up afterwards can be the hardest thing you've ever done in your life.


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