Today’s my first day back and I don’t know how to take it. I feel like crying. I’m so behind in school that it’d be easier just to drop out. But I won’t, I’ll figure it out. It isn’t easy, being here makes me sad…I see Kraft and I basically start cryin’, wow look at me go. I came in late, I bet it impressed them, haha well it didn’t. I can’t wait for spring break to be over so I can see Kleckner and Baker J I don’t even know what I’m going to do with my life anymore. I still wanna graduate and become a counselor but other than that I’m clueless.
Sobriety that’s what is going to have to happen right? Then everything will be okay again, grades will be better, my attitude will be worse, I won’t be as happy, so yeah everything will be okay…not. Drinking wasn’t my way to cope or escape it was a means to have fun and enjoy life, sure drinking for a straight week wasn’t the smartest choice but it wasn’t the worse choice; I still came to school, still tried. Sure I screwed up a bit but who hasn’t right? I didn’t lose any of my friends well the ones I actually care about. What has being sober done for me the last 3 days? I’ve felt alone and bored all I wanted to do was drink I made it until Sunday at exactly 3:00pm and then I started drinking. I gave myself a limit…I only had 7 drinks…3 R&R with Pepsi, 1 Captain Morgan’s with Pepsi and 3 and a half glasses of wine. Am I ashamed? Kind of; I could’ve said no but I didn’t want to…I wanted the alcohol and that’s what I call a slip up…if I continue it’ll be classified as a relapse. At first drinking was a means of having fun and then it took away my thoughts which made me happy, so it’s like my happy pill. I bet I’ve disappointed a lot of people. I know I’ve disappointed myself.
Detox it’s supposed to be a great thing and do wonders right? The whole time I was there I couldn’t feel, I didn’t want to. I pretended that nothing was wrong and when I got out I’d be able to walk away from my friends truth is everyday I’d wake up and I ached all I wanted to do was hide out and ignore the world, I missed everyone who meant something to me. I just wanted to be alone but I knew the only way to get out is by actually doing something. I knew in my heart I couldn’t walk away from my friends especially Jimmy and Tenniel. The 2 people who are there when I need them…They support me, they make me feel better, I’m truly happy when I’m with them. The counselors there knew that the hardest part for me would be walking away from them, I don’t know if I can. I love Tenniel she’s my little sister we’ve been through hell together and we’ve managed to stay friends. Jimmy and I share something I’m not willing to give up…It’s not just sex to us anymore. It’s a means of being together on an emotional level. We care for each other but dating is something we weren’t/aren’t ready for. He has two beautiful girls with a girl he still loves but all the same hates. I still love Ryan so we just weren’t together in anyway but physical and to me that’s not really a bad thing. When I was gone, he didn’t sleep with anyone else which means something, we talked when we could and when we did talk he had a way of making me feel better when all I wanted to do was cryL He would have drove all the way to Calgary to come get me because that’s just the kind of person he is…even though he didn’t say it I knew he missed me otherwise he wouldn’t have wanted me back so bad. I don’t love him that’s the truth I just like to be with him…he makes me happy.
Going to my dad’s was the hardest part. I thought we’d all sit down and talk instead I got interrogated and bitched at. Dawn never wanted me back she just wanted to be the one to find out everything I went through and the reasoning behind it before my dad. What was the point of me going? When my dad came home it was like nothing changed, he said “Hi Bert!” Like he normally would and until we left for town I spent as much time as I could with him because I’m not so sure when I’ll see him again. I thought this whole Detox shit would change my dad’s perspective on drinking or scare him you know? I wanted him to think about why his little girl would drink if she always made a deal out of it with him. He didn’t even think twice about it. He didn’t ask why I was there or what caused me to drink so much. He just asked where I’m going next. I didn’t even know what to think, you’d think he’d want to know why but he didn’t and maybe that’s what bugs me the most, maybe it’s the fact that he doesn’t care, or he’s proud that I started drinkin’, or maybe he just wishes he could take it all back, take the pain away; be my hero again. Everything I do, I do for him. I want him to be proud, I screw up a lot and I disappoint him…I love my dad more than life itself but he just doesn’t see that. He sees his little girl growing up and becoming like him more and more each day. He sees a girl who lost her way and instead of becoming the girl she wanted to be she turned into the person she hates but finds a way to love herself even after all the bullshit she’s caused and all the people she hurt. He sees a girl who is too good at pretending she’s okay. Instead of wanting to help he just sits there and watches her problems increase; He thinks that I’m strong enough to handle it on my own. But I’m not, I can barely take care of myself.