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letting go of my feelings

Miscellaneous By: caitie linn
True confessions

just gonna.. kinda type out my problems.

Submitted:Aug 15, 2012    Reads: 50    Comments: 1    Likes: 0   

for awhile all ive ever seen is a unworthy girl crowded in depression, sheilded by happiness. everybody knows me as that bubbily girl that laughs a lot. who doesnt rip and tear, a smile on my face. always making people laugh.. i've had a well life, never been beaten by my parents, or raped. nothing to extreme, but i've been mentaly abused by a lot of people. called worthless by my recently deceased father. called a failure, a "thing". The rain clouds over my head grew as the years of my life went on. last year it spiraled to self inflicted pain. and abuse of marijuanna. I ended up going to the E.R. because my dad and step mother were concerned about me, they wanted to teach me a lession about abusing drugs. little did they know that by punishing me in every way humanly possible, would make it worse. parents are stupid like that. maybe it's just because i needed somebody to help me, and nobody was there. i dont really know. i guess ive been depressed since maybe, 7th grade. people always judged me because im fat, that i was ugly and unworthy of the much needed love i longed to have. well i felt unloved by everybody else. then this year, literally, January 1st. my father dies of lung failure. after claiming i wasnt his baby girl anymore because i moved out with my little sister. we were tired of being blamed for his illness. we did so much for them, my father and step mother. they always had me and my little sister clean the huge 3 story house we lived in. we had 5 cats that didnt like to use a litter box, and a dog that liked going on the floor. there were 4 kids and two adults in that house including me and my sister that could help. but nobody really did. me and my sister were ultimatly blamed for my dads death, for "not keeping the house clean enough". the sad part is, i did my chores, i did them well.
but i still feel like it was my fault. i was his baby girl, and i didnt love him enough.
now he's gone, and i cant tell him how much i do.


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