I have been wanting to post my story for quite some time to inform the public that there is a whole other angle to to view pedophiles. That angle is from the viewpoint of the wife.
First let me say that a pedophile is a pedophile. I don't want anyone to accuse me of sympathizing. Actually, it's quite the opposite. Too many women, like me, have intentionally blinded themselves to the obvious signs that their husband or significant other deal with this sick and twisted way of thinking. If they are confronted with the truth, they think they can help their significant other be "rehabilited" and life will go on better than before. There is such a danger here that I cannot sit by and not speak my peace.
On November 30, 2007, I found three video files on my husband's laptop containing title's that referenced brutal and sexual attacks on minors. I thought I was looking for evidence of an online affair with an unknown woman as his behavior had turned very cold and sometimes verbally abusive in the months preceding. I only wish that was what I found. In my shock and horror, I actually did the correct thing. I called the cops and turned in the laptop. I was told that this almost never happens.
Within a few days of leaving him however, the first stage of grief hit me... denial. I thought there could be no way in the world that MY husband looked at those files. They must have been a virus or something that was attached like a trojan to another download. I spoke to him and he said exactly what I wanted to hear. It was all a big, nasty "mistake" that he was unaware had even happened. I was so happy that I reconciled with him, even to the point of forgiving him for the ugly behavior that caused me to be suspicious of an internet affair in the first place.
Nine months later I found a website in his history of pictures of cheerleaders. The girls were fully clothed, but it was disturbing to say the least. He told me that he, like many other guys, liked the cheerleader look and found college cheerleaders very "hot". Out of distrust, I left him for a couple months. He finally convinced me that he would seek counseling and we proceeded to go together. After I moved back in, the counseling stopped cold.
On March 23, 2010, detectives showed up at my house and took him in for questioning. A while later, they called me with the news that he had confessed to fifty counts of possession of child pornography charges ranging in ages from 6 months to 16 years. He confessed that he dealt with anger issues because of his guilt and he just wanted the hiding to stop. He is currently in jail awaiting trial.
Since that time, I have had to continue my stages of grief. Although I jump around from one stage to another, I will never fall into denial again. Mostly, I fall into anger. I feel rage at him for betraying me and lieing to me. I feel anger at his family members who hate and blame ME for turning him in. But mostly I feel anger at myself for being so stupid as to believe him.
Of course, I get those well-meaning friends who tell me that it is not my fault for trusting my husband. They say that they were fooled too and that he lied to everyone. But, that will never make me feel better. There is nothing I can do but pick up the pieces and move forward with my life. So I filed for divorce and started dating again..... this time with my eyes wide open.
Life was going great until this week. I am in the process of moving out of the house that held so many bad memories and selling as much as I can. In moving the almost 8 foot shelves by my bed, the mover saw two disks floating around beyond the lip on the very top. I saw the familiar handwriting "XXX" and the word "teen" and broke down in tears on the spot. The mover had more bad news.... on the other shelf was a book of 34 disks all with the familiar "XXX".... along with two cameras. The cameras were not charged and I really don't want to see what is on them as I am afraid of what I would find (hopefully there is nothing) so I just turned it over to the police. Then just this weekend I plugged in an old harddrive that we used to backup family photos and found more videos dated from only last year long after he knew he was under investigation. This means he would have never given up his addiction. Among our personal videos was a video he took of my daughter and two of his nieces taking a bath. The oldest one was 8... too old for such a thing. There was nothing sexual in nature about it, but I still cannot help but wonder if it is sign of him crossing the line. That hard drive and two others that I found have been turned in to the investigator in charge of his case.
Denial and excuses are dangerous ground to tread. My mom used to give me an analogy she called "Frog and the Kettle". If you take a frog and try to place him in a kettle of boiling water, he will immediately sense the heat and jump out before you can get him in. His survival instinct will kick in. However, if you place him in a kettle of luke warm water he will happily swim around as you slowly turn up the heat. He won't notice the change in temperature if you do it slowly...and will slowly die. This is the same mentality that happens in the homes of pedophiles. Yes, warning signs can be all around the spouse of a pedophile...but they don't see them as signs because they have been slowly acclimated to them.... until it is too late.
I am only too lucky that nothing happened to my daughter physically. I have had her checked and she has been deemed well adjusted and untouched. This gives me only little relief as I imagine the possibilities of what my ignorance could have allowed. In any case, I hope this discussion can help other women who are the wive's, or better yet, EX-wives of pedophiles come to terms with the horror and disgust of what this evil can do to your home.
I will never be the same. As I see people I know in the grocery stores, I wonder "Do they pity me?... or are they judging me for ever marrying him?" The majority of my ex-inlaws won't have anything to do with me or my daughter (their own blood) because I hurt the "baby" of the family by putting him in jail.
I don't want pity or sympathy in any shape or form. I want outrage that anyone can call this a sickness. Cancer is a sickness....even behavioral issues that come from imbalances are illnesses. Pedophiles are NOT sick. There is nothing physically wrong with them and there is no evidence of being born that way. Choosing to look at young kids IS a behavioral issue that often stems from being abused themselves as children. However, they are no more ill than a murderer. It is a choice they make that becomes a habit and an addiction like cocaine....only they are not harming themselves, they are harming children. For those that say pornography of that nature is a private matter, think of this: The children in the videos and pictures are REAL children who WERE abused and put on display for someone's sick pleasure. Those children need justice. If someone watches a murder and does not turn the murderer in....aren't they an accomplice???? It is the same for those who look at those videos and do not scream for justice.