How can I explain what you were to me? Can it even be said in words? In the beginning you were like a broken hero, my tortured knight who needed me to see the good when you couldn't see it in yourself; a lonely prince. The first time I heard you play, I was entranced. The way your fingers flowed across the keys spoke living poetry, awaking the undiscovered parts of me without you even being aware. I had never seen anyone take on that passion for something that so touched me. Others treated it like a pleasant hobby, but you were music to me.
Time went on and we grew closer though you didn't give me more than a few friendly glances, some treasured conversations. The times spent in private were more precious to me than anything the world could offer. I loved your stories, I admired your mind and I adored your heart though it was not mine to keep. Did I think you loved me? Of course not.....what could I have given you? I was an awkward, uncertain teenager, unsure and insecure about who she was. And yet....
You desired me, you wanted what boys my age were too incompent to discover. With you I wasn't a weak, flittering child, I was a powerful, desired woman and the attention made me intoxicated with its hidden promise. But again, you weren't mine, no matter how much I want you to be.
You left....I cried.
I grew up, beheld the world for every darkness and light it could offer and you still stayed in my heart. Did you love me? Did you use me? Did I hate you or was it that I wanted so desperately for you to find me? I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know who I was with you.
But find me you did and I felt my heart tremble with the desire I thought long smothered; embers of a smoldering promise. I loved you in a new way, one I could understand. No longer was I a budded flower, but a shapely rose; breasts untouched, thighs unclenched. Late night dicussions became the highlight of my day, the blessed secret knowledge of possessing your thoughts and the encompassing guilt which always followed.
My heart has given you many names...Contradiction, Dearest Friend, Almost Lover, Angel of Music, Poison.
But if I had you, how long before either you or I strayed? When the thrill subsides, would you still be mine? Or would boredom overcome desire? I made a choice and my convictions will remain. If she doesn't know then we never will. I'll fade away like I've tried so many times. The understanding between us forever locked beneath layers of self control.
And yet, my heart leaps when I see your creations, my dreams remain yours, I feel jealousy though I have no right to it, I want you to know my life. I want you to watch me succeed and consol me when I fail. I want to listen to you, please tell me how you feel! Even if you are hurt or angry, bitter or sardonic, my heart has an insatiable desire to be within yours.
"I don't love you, but I always will"~ the confession of my broken heart.