Because life offers what she got, she shows us different faces of hers and wait till we react to what she has. It scares me when life shows me nothing. the sound of silence scares me as much as the bustle of life does. Strange enough, perhaps life's noise, its hustle and bustle, scares me even more. I think I fear that everything and everyone seem to live on normally unlike me. I fear their life, their pain, their happiness... It doesn't just scare me, it pains me, too. Well, more like, it freaks me out.
Most of the time, in the life's ongoing orchestra I feel like am left alone, outside of everyone's thoughts, sentiments, & words. It's like each person of us inhabits his/her own isolated world. We don't live in the same world at all. Each and every one of us is a unique, completely different world on his/her own. These worlds, however, can collide sometimes, temporarily; but I don't know if they can really merge.
I feel that you can never be with another person, now matter how tight you hold him/her, how long you kiss him/her, how much you think about him/her, how may times you talk to him/her... It all scares me. No, it terrifies me.
It's like when my physics teacher told us that molecules never really touch one another, that every sentiment we feel when caressing an object is not a real touch! He said that the only thing that really happens is that the energy field of each molecule grazes the other but they can never ever touch!
It scares me to never be able to touch anyone. It scares me to never be able to be with anyone. It scares me that I live alone when the rest of humanity is thriving right next to me. Each one of them is imprisoned in his own distinct world...different worlds that graze one another but never really meet. It scares me the same way I used to panic when mom used to go to work and leave me with my grandparents, alone. When I was a child, however, mom always came back for me and I always felt safe the moment she returned. I don't feel that safety anymore! Not when I am home. Not when I am with mom. Not when I lay under my blanket in my own bed. Somehow, I never feel safe anymore.
Lately, I started to fear my own thoughts, swarming in my head, as hot as burning fever, as loud as a bee hive. They never shut up. I long to sleep! I long to sleep the same way a starved person longs to food. But even when I sleep, even when I am sleeping, I can't escape. I fear my dreams, both good and bad. They scare me too and I dread the ungodly hours I lay staring to the wall or closing my eyes at the mercy of my mad thoughts. I wish that someday it'll all end though I seriously doubt it will. It scares me how right Joseph Conrad was when he said:" Man lives, as he dreams, alone."
I hope it'll all end someday, may be soon....
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