Dear Ex / Almost Lover,
It's that time of the year again. Yup, it's Valentine's Day. The day I dreaded most. You know what's funny? I used to love Valentine's Day a lot. All the petite adorable decorations on sale used to lift up the dull atmosphere around me. Now they're just plain revolting in my sight. I wouldn't say it's your fault, since we both are the perpetrator and victim of each other.
Day I first met you, I went heads over heels for you. I know, right? I'm such an idiot. I braved through all the butterflies in my stomach and I asked you out. On a date. My very first date in my one and only life. And of all days, I picked 15th of February, since it was a public holiday in our country. 14th was not. I probably don't have to remind you, but somehow I feel that you forgot. 15th of February, the day after the official Valentine's Day.Probably the stupidest decision.
You said 'yes'. I was thrilled. Days later I found out in your blog that you said 'yes' because you didn't want to disappoint me. Or you must have felt that you're obliged to do that. Well, it's over now, isn't it? If you ain't interested in the first place, don't say yes. Don't ever use that three letter word to ruin someone's life. Oh wait, you just wrecked mine.
You picked the place. A mall. Fair enough. I wouldn't say it's a bad day. We ate at some ordinary cafe, shared each other's interests and dreams, watched a movie, touched each other's hand but never really held it, just like any other normal first time couples would do. Well, except that we aren't like other couples, right? Anyway then you said you wanted to take some photograph, the two of us, and you led me down the secret alley in the mall. I would agree with you on one thing. It's embarrasing to take photos in front of people, but you don't have to lead someone to somewhere so seclude. Not only you led my body, but my heart, my desire, and worst of all, my lust.
We took some pictures. Well, that's the main point, isn't it? No, it wasn't. As soon as it was done, you kissed me on the lips. My lust was triggered. I kissed you back. And like wild fire it developed into something more passionate. No, I would not want to recall those memories. When we were done, do you still remember what you said?
"Let's just pretend nothing happened. We can still be friends."
Your words pierced through my heart. Like arrows, like a bolt of lightning. An excruciating one. What could I say? You regret it? I was dumfounded. Didn't know what to say. So I did the same thing you did to me. I acquiesce in your request.
Next day, I ignored you. Didn't even want to see you. You should've known better. Yet, you got furious cause I ignored you. And you went all over about me in your ever-popular blog. I'll tell you one thing. I don't care if your fans know. I don't give a damn. I gave you every of my valuable firsts in my life, yet all you gave me, was, "let's pretend nothing ever happened"? All these times, all these memories, with you, even though it's just one day, it feels like a century to me. Do you think I could obliterate all these memories like snapping my fingers? Oh, perhaps you can. Perhaps you already did.
But I can't. I just can't. I'm not your first. I'm not your last either. Weeks later someone told me you were with some other guy. Now, one year later, I see you with another guy, walking closely in the same mall and posting love-sex messages on each other's Facebook wall. Am I just another insignificant, bothersome tool in your eyes? Am I just a toy that you've done playing?
You are my first lover or my almost lover, however you may want to define it. But you are my last. I don't think I could ever love another again. No, I'm quite certain.
You wrecked my life. You imprisoned me in your shadow. And here's the thing, I could never blame you. After all, I asked for all these in the first place, didn't I?
Valentine's Day is a special day for those in love, but a torment to those who gave up love forever.
I was a fifteen year old boy.
You were a fifteen year old boy.
My life could never be the same.
And I could never forget the day.
February 15, 2011.