Feb 14 11:57 PM
What hurts the most was that you walked in ready to go out. You were going to make out or 'worse' with people. I hate that I think about that. You ruin my thoughts, and you ruin porn for me. You hadn't even told me yet.
Feb 15 10:56 AM
You cite my always being busy as one of your reasons. I'm married to school. You always knew that; this never changed. But I tried to give you time. You were the first thing to come along that I gave time to. Isn't that something?
Feb 16 12:41 PM
I find it funny that I grew up watching people get hit, and then I get hit. Cycles…
Feb 16 1:04 PM
I do not deserve to be hit by people. I am someone's baby. I am someone's brother. I am someone's loved one, and just because you don't care about me doesn't mean you can hit me. That's disgusting.
And all my care is gone. It was gone slowly; it faded over these last two days. I have never been anything but giddy and funny and excited and happy around you. I always tried around you. You never tried, not once. Never initiated. And then you dumped me. I was already hurt, but now I can take my hurt and I can leave. There is no love here for me. In these last two days, you have brought out only ugly in me. You returned me to the child I once was who saw parents fighting and hitting and going to jail. I have never been here, in this dark state, since I moved on from that life. I don't want to look at you. And you're mad at me! You're a fool. You dumped me, and I responded. You don't deserve my care. If you dump someone, that means they love you and you don't love them. End of discussion. I should be hurt. You dumped me. And then you twisted it and told me to fight… fight for what? Fight for you to want me? I have self respect. I love me. I own me. I won't fight for you to love me. If you don't fight on your will, that's just too bad. You always knew exactly how I felt. But you made me feel bad, and then you hit me! Never hit in anger. It is the ugliest side of a person that comes out.
I can't look at you. I have moved on. Don't think about me. Think about how you don't know what you want - how you constantly changed your mind. One day, you were a free spirit; the very next day, you wanted more of me. You're confused. You deserve someone to not confuse you. I'm alone and I was alone even with you. I deserve to be loved and to be treated like a human being. I hate you right now. And I can't go back. I'm a spirited, spunky little kid who you wanted mature. Look at me now, being mature, taking a stand against you. There is no place for you in my life after all that you've done these last few days. I'm done. I've moved on. I like someone. And I'll never be hurt by you again. Find a man for yourself, someone you want to make out with, someone you want to be silly with, someone you are fun with. That wasn't me. And it was so obvious. I want someone to want me. You stole my time and one of my chances at love. But you'll never do that again. Peace.
Feb 16 4:10 PM
My heart is broken. My trust is gone. I think we should move on. I'm afraid you never cared and that you never will. I don't want to live a life with someone who has been so confused. I'll always care about you, but I don't want to pretend and play family. I want a family. I want love. I want someone who has a crush on me, someone who is turned on by me. Not someone who calls me immature, then dumps me on Valentine's day; not someone who doesn't understand that things are said in anger but aren't meant; not someone who changed their opinion on everything almost daily. Figure out what you want before you propagate your uncertainties on me.
I can't do this with you again. You said it best. There are no breaks. There is only uncertainty and certainty. I don't want a life of uncertainty. Worst of all, I am not garbage. You can't just hit me or treat me like shit. I am a person. And if this is how you react to fights, I don't want a life of living on egg shells because you're mad but you don't consider other people's feelings. Enough. Goodbye friend. We've come to an end.
Feb 16 4:44 PM
You broke my heart. You broke my trust - I've said something along this lines already, haven't I? Well it must be reiterated. You broke my heart. You broke my trust. And now you need to walk away and saw "I'm walking away." Or stay. Stand up. Man up because you've made the mistake. You dumped me, you let me go, and now you blame me for not fighting for you. Why don't you fight for me just once? If you can't, and if you can't get past what I said in a fight, then I don't think this is going to work. Don't run from this. The world isn't that scary. But I'm the one who should be hurt. Not you. I'm not a victim; I'm realistic. I said a comment to you. I'm immature. And so you dumped me. You ruined my Valentine's day. You made me cry for two days straight. You're confused and you don't believe, but you expect me to believe. And you hit me. No more.
Enough. I will not let myself be hurt by you. Fix this. Either end it or fight for it. If you can't do either, I will know you're not ready for a real relationship, to make real decisions. A decision is better than no decision and the not knowing. Don't leave me to be lost in limbo.
Feb 16 8:48 PM
Don't be sad. Don't be mad. Don't be happy… okay, it's okay to be happy. Haha. For me, I have to walk away today. It's best for me. I have loved you, and I will always love you. Forget the fight and the words I said and the way you hit me, before all that… when you dumped me, and I deserved it, you broke my heart and you broke my trust. It's okay. I'm okay. Great people have walked into my life and helped me through.
I'm excited for when you feel love for the first time. It's amazing. You want to change your whole life around someone else. You write little notes to yourself saying today was the day I knew I loved you. You have to find love. Don't settle for me. Don't settle for anyone. I believe that you weren't growing and that you weren't happy because though you wanted to be deaf and blind, you could hear and see. I'm only me. I'm not the person that you wanted. And that's why you never initiated, and that's why you never wanted to be crazy and do fun little dumb things that happen in what I consider the honeymoon period. One day you will. You don't deserve to be confused… you deserve to know. And we all deserve to know that the person we love loves us. And we deserve love. You'll find it.
And maybe you don't want to be my friend, but I'l be there for you on your wedding day because I love you and my care doesn't go away. It's too bad you could never love me… I'm pretty funny and pretty cute and pretty awesome.
Funny how strong the human spirit is. You can feel so bad because someone has hurt you, you can cry for days, but the other person should never feel bad because no matter what, one recovers. Love doesn't go away; it stays around to haunt the person, but they learn to manage how to get through the days. I'm setting you free today to find love and to be the spirit you were destined to be. If you ever do change your mind, maybe one day get at me. I'm not ready yet.
Save the whales, save the dolphins, save the earth. No more tears, okay? And no more hurting each other. And don't worry, I'll always stand by you as a friend. That was your biggest worry, right? I've been blacklisted by everyone else for saying you are my favorite person. I remember us and the chase and the excitement and the drama and the hurt and each fight and each word and each everything. For a year and a half, we sure have been through a lot. Someone should write about our college experience. Sam would be the main character because everyone likes her a lot more than us. We could be the supporting cast, part of the subplot.
But we have a lot more growing to do. And we'll get there one day. We're on our way. And yes, I'm one big cliche. And double yes, that rhymed. Hello, I want to be poet! Let me tell you a secret: whenever I write, I sing the words that are being written in my poetry. My life really is one big musical, though I much rather have it be a porno. Haven't found the right actress who would be into me just yet. Dilemmas of being in your twenties… you wouldn't understand, considering you're only nineteen.
Have fun. Remember me. Like me as friend that will never go away. No more drama. Please. You cried eleven times in one day. God! And please try harder in school. You worry me though I know you'll be great. I love you. That's going to weird you out, but I've known I love you. And it'll never go away, but maybe I'll have another great love of my life or maybe instead of being a cat lady, I'll be the world's first cat man.
You better introduce me to the man, the man that changes you and makes you grow and do well in school and makes you fun, grandma. You're nineteen. And I love you. Today I hated you, but I can't hate you. The hit… who would have thought that so much of my parent's life would resurface in my own life. Cycles. I understand wounds deepening now. We've hurt each other too many times. We've cried too many times. I cried all the way to Park Avenue. And when I went ice skating, I couldn't breathe, like that cheesy character in my essay. Haha.
When do we say enough? One sided love and one sided confusion isn't right. If you disagree with what I've said, you should talk to me face-to-face. Set me free to move on too. Because half of me doesn't want to be hurt any longer, but whole of me believes in us, but I can't be the only one believing. Set me free if you don't care about me. Please don't string me along. That's all I ask.
Feb 17 3:15 AM
Sam was right. Nonetheless, I still don't like her.
Feb 17 5:04 PM
This avenue is closed. We can be friends, though.
Feb 18 8:48 PM
I ruined us. I just wasn't ready. I keep thinking about you at my door that Thursday evening, waiting for me to open the door so we could have a talk. What were you going to say? What would have happened had I been awake to hear you knocking? Would it all have been better? That 'what if's' of this world…
Feb 18 11:23 PM
Kenny is a really great friend. I love that he's trying to keep me busy!!!
Feb 19 2:03 PM
All I can think about today is sex - sex with any girl that walks by. What's happened to me? Is this the rebound? Something else?
To be continued...