Lately I've been feeling that I should post something more like personal in my life and stuff. So I thought "Hey me, why not just publish something telling everyone that has access to it (so practically everyone) secrets? It's like... I'm not even sure. Just like random secrets. What I'm scared of. What my bigest wish is. Who I hate the most in life. Stuff like that. I have no idea why I decided to post this but hey - it's something for me to do and you guys to read so... yeah.
If you're one of my real life friends that actually personally
know me, I don't care if you read this or not. But these secrets
are my secrets. I can't stop you from spreading it all aroundd
school. But this is some real personal stuff here. Yeah that
might make it sound even more juicy and may make you want to read
it even more, but just an F.Y.I: You're going to read my stuff.
My secrets. My life.
If you don't think you should, then don't read it.
If you want to, go ahead, I can't stop you.
But if you really know me, I don't think you need to read it anyway.
These aren't really deep dark secrets. Just stuff that amuses me from time to time, or just something that I want to put out there. This is probably gonna kill me later on. But. Whatever. My life, my choice. I'm going to share whatever I feel like.
And you guys can't stop me.
Where to start.
I'm most afraid of dying young.
It's a reasonable thing to be scared of, right? I mean... It's not to heroic like Harry Potter or something who fears fear itself. But I am afraid of dying. Young. Don't get me wrong spiders creep me out and certain bugs with an abundance of legs creep me out too. But... Dying young. Ever since I was like four I knew that I wanted to live life to the fullest. Ever since then I know I've wanted to do whatever I can in life and let basically nothing stop me. I want to keep living forever, in hearts, in soul, in physical forms, I don't care. I just.. don't want to die young. It's a shame to those who do. But even then, sometimes they're remembered by those and never really die. I want to be one of those people - but I don't want to die young. Make sense?
My biggest wish is to make everyone around me, without a single
doubt in the world,happy.
To me there's a big difference than bringing joy to people and then making them happy. I don't know why. It should be the same thing but to me it's not. When I hang around someone I want to make them without a single doubt in the world happy. Like, happy happy. Like as in "worries? ha. what worries?" I want to make people smile whenever I can. I want to make people laugh for as long and as much as I can. I want to make a lot of people happy. I don't care if it's a hobo or my best friend. I want to make them happy.
When I was little I used to hate bathing suits so whenever I swam
in our little inflatable pool I swam without one.
Give me a break alright? I was freaking like 4 and 5. I didn't like bathing suits. I thought they were itchy, or they looked weird, or they were a pain, or something. Either way I didn't like them. So I didn't wear them. Not until we started going public places, then I had to wear one - but don't get me wrong when I was younger I hated swimsuits so I just plain did not wear them. Don't believe me? Well you better. 'Cause I've got proof. My parents took freaking pictures.
Sometimes I think too much is expected out of me.
I bet everyone feels like this. There are those typical Asian families that need or want their kids to get a straight-A report card and stuff, and getting a B is like getting an F. Don't et me wrong I know a bunch of your families want that too. But... Seriously. I know that my life isn't as bad as some people's but even then, I feel like by my standars, I feel like my parents and sister as expecting too much of me. I want to do well in life. I do. I really do. But sometimes I don't know if I really can. Can everyone do well in life? Of course not. There are people out there that proof that. Everyone in life tries to avoid being that, but sometimes that just doesn't quite work out. And not only that - sometimes I feel like my friends expect too much of me too. See, we have a group of friends that we eat lunch with. And then there's another group of friends that we talk too once we finish lunch. The group that I eat lunch with think of me as their 'leader'. They say it's because we know everyone in the group best, because I brought them all together. So what I went to both school. So what. They consider me their leader anyway, but I don't argue. Anymore. It puts stress on me sometimes, like it's my job to keep the group together. See, next year we're going into high school - in high school everything changes. Friends come and go. Recently I've been realy determined to keep the group together. I don't want to fail. No one wants me to fail. But sometimes I feel like I'm not going to be able to do it. It's impossible. I'm expected to much of. I don't want that. But I have to deal with it anyway.
Something tells me that when I grow up, no matter how much I want
it, I'm not going to get published.
I hate being pessimistic. I hate it. But I know it. I write a lot. You guys can - well - clearly see that. Hopefully. I also know that a lot of people are rejected in the publishing company. Lots of people don't think that that world is harsh - it is. I don't know exactly how it works (another one of my disadvantages), but I know that it's tough out there. I'm not going to get published. Even if I do get accepted - I probably won't have the money. It takes about $1000 to publish a book - possibly more. That price was just one company that I did a lot of reasearch on. No matter how good you people say my stuff is, I know it's not going to be enough. There's always that chance that you're not going to get published - and something is yelling at me that I'm going to be one of those people that won't get published.
I think I have my future planned out - I don't.
Author. That's the occupation that I've wanted to be since I could write. I've been so focused on being that that I haven't gotten my backup plan yet - and here I am, entering high school. I dont' have a backup plan. I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't make it in the publishing world and dont' have enough money to support my family. I have no idea if I'll even have a family. I don't know what college I want to go too. I don't know exactly what I want to major in. I don't know what I want to minor in. I don't know where I want to live. I don't know how my income I want, I don't know how much of this I want, I don't know how much of that I'll need, I have no idea what's going on in my future. That's the thing in my class - everyone seems to know just what they want to do. Exactly what they want to do. Except me. I'm the little loner girl that's unprepared to do anything, the one who has a greater chance than anyone else to fail at life. I don't know what to think of that. But... All I know is that I have no idea what's going to go on in my future life. In the past it's been all about middle school and surviving. I don't know what high school's going to be about. I don't think I'll know even when I'm graduation from high school and going into college. Then the process starts all over again.
I am not the best person at taking care of myself.
I don't eat. I don't put lotion on. I spend all day on the computer like a no lifer. When I was younger I had hygiene problems. I have a lot of problems now. That's another thing that adds to me not making it successfully in life in the future: I such at taking care of myself. I need someone. I need parents. I need friends. But I don't know if I'm always going to have that, now am I? It worries me - but hey, someone's gotta fail in life. Maybe that will be me.
I hate my smile.
It neveer comes out right. Never. Strange, right? People say I have a wonderful smile. But I don't think I do. It's weird. One eye squints more than the other, and that's not just because I'm asian. I'm not kidding when I say that my smile? Is seriously weird.
I'm superstitious about full moons.
Not in a bad way. In a good way. Whenever there's a full moon I have a really good day. Not sure why. I just do. and I love it. I love full moons even if I wouldn't have a full moon. I like the way they look and I like the way.. yeah I like the way they look. Tee hee.
When I Was about five years old I almost drowned.
We were over at my grandma's place and we were swimming in the pool and at that time well let's just say I wasn't the best swimmer. So I used those like noodle things, pool floaties, blah blah blah... And then I was just floating around and my sister and her friend were playing around like across the pool. My dad was inside and my mom was taking a nap and I was just floating around. But then something happened and somehow I lost hold of the noodle that was keeping me afloat and I hadn't learned how to tred water yet so I was sinking. I guess my sister was inside or something because it wasn't anyone who saved me, my sister's friend Gretchen saved me. I thought i was going to drown, to die, but I didn't thanks to Gretchen. That's probably one of the most terrifying moments in my life.
I want to die.
Oh my gosh don't get my wrong I freaking love life. I wish I could live forever too. I want to be immortal (but at the same time I wouldn't watching friends grow up and die would just be too hard), but seriously. I want to die. Not because my life sucks or anything like that, because it doesn't. I want to die because I want to experience the pain. I often wonder what it'd be like if I got hit by some car or something and died. I want to see how my friends would react (I know, I know, that sounds extremely cruel but... hey.) I want to know what death is. I want to know what you do when you die. Is there actually a heaven (I believe in it) or do we actually get reincarnated into someone else and start lives over? I want to know but I want to live forever. Is that confusing?
I often look in the mirror and believe that this is not who I was
ever meant to be.
I look in the mirror a lot. Not for looks, just 'cause I want to see if this is really who I was meant to be. Something tells me it wasn't. Something tells me that something happened when I was younger and I changed my fate. Maybe changing my fate was my fate. But I know I wasn't always like this, and I probably won't always be like this either. I might turn into one of those 'troubled' kids that graffiti everything. I might win the Noble Peace Prize. I might be able to do anything I want. But frankly we'll never know till it happens. I look in the mirror and ask myself why I turned out like this. God made everyone how they are for a reason. I look in the mirror and ask myself, why am I like this? Am I able to change myself, or have I already? I have a good life. I know it. I want to keep it that way. But when I look in the mirror I wonderwhy?
I wonder if my friends will always stay my friends.
The friends that you grow up with will usually not always be your friends. You will part ways when you go to college or wherever. You will not always keep in touch with all your friends. You will be life long friends with some, but with others you'll lose contact; some of your friends will go onto bigger and better things. Others will just plain not be there anymore. You say you have a bunch of BFF's... But is that really true? I want to defy the stereotypes and be able to say that all my friends will be my friends forever. But... I can't say whether that's true or not, now can I?
I'm scared about liking someone.
I"m not kidding. Having crushes and liking people scare me sometimes. Especially if it's your first crush. Or relationship, rather. Because usually the first never lasts. I'm scared of someone breaking my heart, or me breaking someone's, I never want to go through that. I know I'm going to have to one day, I know I will. But seriously, liking someone scared me. Recently a lot of my friends' love lives are going super well, including mine. It scares me. For every good thing there's something you did o pay for it. Kinda like karma but not at all. Robert Frost says that Nothing Gold Can Stay(search that poem on google or whatever it's really good), and I kind of believe it. So... Yeah. I don't want my heart to be broken, but it's a part of life - I'm not sure what to think anymore. I want to believe that I need to be in love one day. But what if I procrastinate it so long, that one day never happens?
When I was little and played soccer I did something really
It was mjy first year, okay?! My team's name was The Pink Dolphins and so I got some stupid pink dolphin little play tattoo thingy and on one of our first games I wanted to show one of my team mates so I like stopped what I was doing and just showed them and then everyone came around me because I mean we were like 6 years old and we thought it was like the coolest thing ever. Now that I look back I laugh at myself because it was so embarrasing, but still... How stupid was I back then? Really? I was that stupid? (Oh by the way, the referee was soooo confused...)
I have reason to believe that I am the worst girl scout
I feel like I don't do anything in girl scouts. I feel like I don't contribute or volunteer enough for the troop. I feel like I don't talk a lot in girl scouts. But see that's the thing - even if that's all true and I don't do anything, then I don't care. I mean I do, I wish I could do a lot better, but I don't care. I love girl scouts and I wasn't planning on quiting any time soon even though I think about it a lot. I know it requires a lot of hard work to earn the Gold Award, and half of me doesn't think that I'm ready enough for that. But I will take it on and might fail during the process - but I love girl scouts and I wasn't planning on quiting. Even if I really seriously suck at the thing.
The Little Rascals used to be my favorite movie ever, and well -
I used to act it all out with myself and my stuffed Elmo.
I was Darla I believe. Elmo was that other kid Darla liked. I don't even know why I did it, I just played the movie on my tv and started acting out every scene that I could remember. I don't know why I did it. I now think I was a fool for doing that, why the heck did I do that. But then I probably thought it was the funnest thing in the world. But seriously, why the heck did I do that?
Even now (well not really now more like until last year), I did
actually enjoy watching Barbie movies.
Can you blame me? I suppose you can when I was like 12 last year, but hey. I watched almost every single Barbie movie out there. I still have a bunch today. I remmeber Mermadia and Fairytopia and Barbie Rapunzel and Barbie Nutcracker and Barbie everything. It was amusing. I loved those movies. If I had a choice of watching Barbie and say, Cars, I'd watch Barbie. No offense against the makers of Cars, but seriously... I think Barbie was better. I loved the movies. I don't talk about it at school, I only have one friend where I can actually be a little kid with nowadays, but hey. I'm making this thing and why not say this. I Used to love Barbie so freaking much.
I wonder how those who like me can like me.
I don't care if you're my friend or you have a crush on me or what. I don't get it. How do you guys like me? I've been told so many things about myself, but I always wonder if they're true or not. Funny? I can make people laugh but there are others. Lovable? I have no idea about that. Cute? Uh.... No comment. Awesome? That's what everyone says to everyone and anyone. I've seen people's yearbooks, I know it is. I don't get how people can like me like they do. I'm not saying that I want to be a loner or anything but seriously... how?
I don't really hateanyone in particular; Just a certain
category of people.
I'm not eeven sure what I mean by this. Really. I don't like people who think they know everything, even if they do, I don't like those types of people. I don't like people that are so shy they don't say anything. I mean being shy sometimes is really cool sometimes - I'm shy myself. But when you're so shy and insecure about everything, that bothers me. I don't like people who are poopers about everything, even though I already have a friend like that (not telling who). I don't like people that are 'troubled' kids throughout their life because they don't even care anymore. I don't like people who don't care. But the people who I really don't like, the people that I don't like the most, are the people that have given up. Giving up is terrible. You shouldn't give up on everything. Never do that. I give up a lot myself, yeah, one of the reasons I don't like myself sometimes - but those people that give up on practically everything - the people that commit suicide, the people that just hate on everyone because their own life sucks because they've given up on themselves, those are the people that I don't like. Those are the people that I don't understand. Those are the people that I feel sorry for.
I freaking hate change.
Ever since I was little I hated change. I don't like it. At all. When I moved schools I bawled my eyes out for a week. I cried into my soup, making it all salty and disgusting so I kinda refused to eat anything for a day. I can probably name several examples of where I hated change in particular. Will I name them right now? I'd rather not, makes me get angry. But still. I freaking hate change. I won't ever like it. Change is good sometimes, yes. But when it's my choice to like it or not, I'd probably choose to hate it.
Well. I believe that that's it for now.
I hope whoever's reading it enjoyed it. There's a lot of other things that I'm afraid to tell you, trust me. Will I tell them all? Doubtful. Will I tell you more when I can on another document? That depends. I hope you guys liked this one. Those are some of my secrets - you have no idea how many times I caught myself trying to erase what I wrote because I didn't want you guys to know that, but I stopped myself. You have no idea how many times that happened.
So now that I've gotten some secrets out, I want to ask you guys something. You don't have to answer me, but it'd make me pleased and amused and maybe just a little... Reassured that I'm not the only one that's got secrets. What I want to ask you guys is to tell me something that you're afraid to tell anyone. It doesn't matter if you've told everyone or just one person or noody. It doesn't matter. But if this somehow inspired you to tell me or someone something that you've barely told anyone before...
Go for it.