Have you ever felt like life isn’t worth it? Well I have and I can tell you it is not something you want to think about. Well my life anyway, since I was little I was always different, not different like seeing ghosts, having sixths senses, having a different culture, or religion, or any other thing that makes people different. NO I was different cause I was always depressed.
I could blame it on a range of different things, from having a bad childhood with my mum, well she was bitch well to me atleast maybe not my two older sisters, but you cant really blame my depression on mum now can you. she was brought up different, her mum was mental in the head, and im guessing so was every other mum down the line. So u cant really say mum you made me depressed I hate you now can you.
I could also blame it on BOB* the guy whoabused me when I was little, but technically I cant not really when it wasn’t his fault he has a sick little side to him, its like everyone has a hidden secret, and they don’t want anyone to know, blonde and blue eyed was his special, others like, chocolate, some strawberries, may even crosswords. But his was blonde and blue eyed. I guess that’s why I wanted to dye my hair, mayb to get a fresh start, become a new person, but you of all people should know you can change you appearance but you CANT change who you are, sucks doesn’t it.
I could also blame it on so many councillors, and them trying to talk to me, or trying to make me talk to them. After a while you they don’t help you at all, or they do if put you on meds and say session over. Funny how most doctors get paid heaps of money just to diagnose you. and sometimes their even wrong. But I cant blame it on the councillors can I, they were only doing their job, they cant help it if someone is completely stubborn and doesn’t want to talk can they.
There was also the meds I could blame it on, they messed with moods, made me all happy go lucky, when I wanted to be sad sometimes, everytime I got into an argument with someone the meds made me not cry, as much as I wanted to cry all I could do is sit their yep yep, ok whatever. Stressing isn’t it. But then again not many people love the emotional types, but heyy not on my meds now so I feel like im normal or well as close to it anyway.
I could blame it on my father, he was always grumpy, everytime he got home from work, he would soo grumpy that most the time I would be avoiding him, well that is when he isn’t slepping, cause he sleeps most the time. But now that I think about it I cant really blame it on him can I, it is not his fault that he aslo had a bad childhood and was pree muc alone and working for food and shelter at the age of 14, and the fact that his parents were not around for him when he needed them most, so I guess that even when he is yelling at me and is just plain grumpy its cause he never got the childhood that I am now living, and I know in someways it feels like hes living his childhood through me , and sometimes hes trying to live my life for me, but I wont blame it on him, he has already had too much on his plate to deal with.
I could blame it in my younger step brother, who was born in 2006, when I was 11, and how since he had reflux, heart burn, bruising to the brain, and other god damn things that went wrong with him, and now he has autism and yes I know it sucks but seriously I cant blame it on him now can I cause it was not his fault he was born like that nor is it his fault that I got jealous cause he always had the attention so I can't blame it on him ?
The only person I can blame it on is me, cause I chose to be depressd no one forced me to be sadd all the time so I guess its my fault really ?/