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I am just saying about myself the things that anyone should know. And maybe I'm a little ticked off.


Submitted:May 17, 2011    Reads: 187    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   


I have been a fool more times than I care to remember, but this beats all I have ever seen in my life. I have lied and deceived more people than I care to remember, be they pastor, whore, mother, lover, and even my best friends. But to my own self, I have been true. I cannot hide from me or lie to me anymore than I could to God Himself.
I knew from day one I was not meant to be married. Like every little girl I had that fantasy built up in my head, but I knew better. I was not wife material. Even as a little girl I knew that I was not the kind of girl you take home to meet your mother. I was too coarse, too independent, and maybe just too much. Boys liked to think of me as a play toy, not something you would let your friends see you with or even admit to touching. My family pointedly ignored me. My father was a drunk who beat me, and I think my mother would have preferred a boy. Hell, the only things that wanted me around were animals, and like my father I was gentle with them.
But I never expected that so young I would know I was unfit. I learned to accept that I was not fit for affection. I even mastered the art of repelling people by words or expressions. I never thought I would be married, let alone have a husband who loved me. I always knew I'd have children, but I assumed that their fathers would be useless. I can truly say that my son's father is not entirely useless, but that's a matter for another day.
I have learned that over the years that what I am has not changed. Let's face a simple truth: I am a whore. I have had my way with just about every guy I set my mind to. I know I am not beautiful, but for some reason men like to think they have had me. I'll let them keep that illusion. It's enough for me to know that no one has ever really had me. I know without a doubt that I can have what I want if I really push it, but it takes energy I no longer have. I do not want wealth, love, fame, or even recognition. All I want is peace.
I have given it some thought, and I am not happy being married. There is no peace for me here since he thinks I should be stuffed in a box and happy being domestic like his mother. The only man I ever really loved was a bastard, and he has been dead for three years. He was abusive, and he hated that I couldn't live with the loss of our child. But he loved me. He didn't know how to deal with his own pain, and I couldn't help him. I have never seen his grave, and I do not need to. I have resolved that he is the only man who knew and accepted the real me. I am content to let it lie.
However, today I realized that the destruction of my marriage is eminent. He wants to cage me, and I cannot be caged. I am as wild as any animal, and taming me will do no good. I am only affectionate as I choose to be. I should be approached with that same wariness that one would use when approaching a poisonous snake or wild cat. I do not attack out of malice of anger, I respond only to instinct.
For my son I can say nothing. He is as wild as I am, and one day he will understand me. Like my father before me I am resigned to accept myself the way I am. I change for no one. May my son know what is right, just as I do, and may he trust himself to do what is best for him.
I say all this crap to prepare myself for the truth. I am a whore that cannot be counted on to make promises. However, when I do make them I am not one to break them. I know the lore of old, and I am bound to honor them with my life. I made a promise, and it has taken longer than I suspected to keep it. And now that I am ready to keep said promise I have been told that it's alright to break that promise.
NO MAN TELLS ME NO! I am a greedy woman when it comes to rejection. After all this time when you are so close you say you have moved on? I just cannot fathom this. You were told it would take a while because of circumstances, but you said you got lonely? Well, I have one thing to say: No more chances!
I have deliberately ruined the only thing I had to give you what you wanted. Not that this one thing was solid or wonderful, but when you are what I am you must take what you can get. I know I am no prize; I am something in the nature of a challenge. But at any rate, I will have revenge, perhaps not by my own hand; maybe another will intervene. I no longer care.
I have been told no, and I am not fond of having those words spoken to me. I have destroyed something with great ease, and believe me it was not so difficult emotionally. However, I am not accustomed to being told 'just forget it'. You have made a mistake, and I cannot explain the hurt away. Sacrifice is not easy, but I can bear it. But to tell me, in the middle of the act, that you are through is baffling. I knew I was a whore since I was young, but I never knew I would be betrayed the one time I kept my word.
And now I am left baffled and heartbroken. I have never broken anyone's heart or hurt anyone for my own purposes. If anything, I have lied to protect those I loved. They do not and cannot know me, and for that I lie. Never have I lied to hurt anyone. And now, I have given myself up totally and been slapped in the face.
I told you I was a whore, but is it me who used them, or is it that they used me?




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