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This is a letter I sent to my lover about a year ago. It was during a painfully dark time in our relationship. I thought it was fit for sharing.

Submitted:May 24, 2010    Reads: 48    Comments: 0    Likes: 0   

I have been thinking a lot lately about us, and our relationship, and what happened. I try to put it off as something that doesn't matter because I know you better than that, and that I know you wouldn't lie to me and definitely wouldn't use me. But somehow I can't get it past my heart when I tell myself that and I know that I am just fooling myself. I have been seriously beating myself up about this whole thing, you and me, and you saying that breaking up with me "isn't an option". Because how can you be wanting something more, still not consider breaking up with me, and NOT just be using me? And I want to talk to you about what I am thinking and feeling and the things I am hurting about, but whenever I bring them up or even hint at them you get so upset and just start blaming yourself when really I just want to have a conversation and I am not trying to say it is anyone's fault. When you tell me that you are looking for something better, and when I consider all of the times I know you accept the fact that I am not the sex you are attracted to only because you love me, I feel that you are simply scared. And I would never doubt that you love me, and I am not that stupid, but I know you so well and I can tell that you are afraid to be alone and afraid to waste my love and give up everything that I give you and want to give you. If you sincerely do not think those things then why would you say them? It is as if you sometimes view me as having no heart simply because I forgive you for everything.
We have been through so much and I have loved you so hard, but I can honestly tell that you are looking and desiring more. You are desiring a man in your life that will love you and take care of you and give you the attention that you deserve and want. I don't think you every understand how much I love you and how much I need you. I don't think you understand how hard I try. There is some sort of missing link or fault in our communication sometimes because I can tell that even when you're joking, you're not. Does that make sense? I am an extremely intelligent person, even though I hide it as much as I can from anyone else. It's easier for me that way, but now I will tell you what I see.
I see you loving me, and I know you trusting me and needing me and loving the way I care for you. I know how much you love being around me and hearing my compliments and you are addicted to the way I make you happy. It means a lot to you that I feel happy also but you become frustrated and attain childish emotions when I show how depressed I am because you just don't understand why. You feel like a failure in our relationship at times because you know on the inside how much more you want and you know the slight mis truth's when you say things that mean you want to be with me and only me forever. You feel so much guilt because of me. I can see it. It makes me hurt. You love me and you know we are right, but you just don't know how to give the right way because you are a girl who wants a boy and yet you are desperate in your thoughts of not letting go of me because you know how much of a good thing I am for you. And yet, in my own perspective here, I am a failure. I was the one who fell in love first, and I am the one with the responsibilities of keeping a hold of you because you are such a precious thing to me. I know how precious your love is. And at the same time I know that if you had someone like Seth with you, you would be happier, you wouldn't say no, and you wouldn't feel guilty. I don't even know what to do. You don't hurt me, but I feel so much pain. I may not be a substitue to you until something better comes along, but I am not an idiot and I can tell when someone isn't being true to themselves all of the way. If I am wrong in my assumptions, tell me so. But only if you truly mean it.
I love you and it isn't as if I wished you loved me more. I just wish I knew the way to truly make you mine. I will hang on to you and hold you for as long as you let me, but just remember that I am not an empty person and that I have a heart that can feel more than love. I can feel pain, too.


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