Its 2:18 and I just finished watching Fight Club for the fist time ever, well not just, I finished watching it at about 2:00 and then I shut my computer and contemplated what I thought about it, and then I decided I needed to write this down.
I have come to the realisation that to me, myself, in my world, I am air. I am always in people's lives, they know I am there, they know that they need me, but they never see me. I have also realised that to my family, I am like the beginning of the butterfly effect, I die, and everyone and everything else dies around me. But I don't want to be that, I want to be something no one wants. And the sad thing is that I have that feeling on a good day. I feel that because then I think, I could go, I could really go, and no one would notice. But the thing that sucks is that, I'm not something no one wants. I'm something to someone.
I'm a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a granddaughter, a niece, a friend. If I wasn't that, I wouldn't be here. This could be a very big misconception to you. Don't read this and think that I'm going to kill myself, because I'm not, no, never. But that doesn't mean I don't think about it. All the time. I want to die on occasion, but I would never do it. I have too much to live for, I want to have sex, get drunk, do drugs, then maybe go to university, get a job, have kids, all that back of the postcard bullshit you know?
No, I won't kill myself, it's just a fantasy of mine sometimes. I'm sometimes happy, I'm sometimes sad, but I'm not just sad, I'm gone. Dying seems like a luxury. It's not so much I want to kill myself, but I wouldn't mind dying you know? I'm more interested in the afterlife than my now life. I like to think that my afterlife is someone else's before life. That's why I want to make sure it is as good as it can be, I want this person to have the best before life ever. My theory is that my before life belonged to a person shit, and that is why I feel bad sometimes. But I don't want that for my person. Not ever. And it won't happen.
Well, back to Fight Club then. I was thinking, what if I have a Tyler Durden? That would be fucked wouldn't it? Like, what if my best friend was my Tyler, she was the person I want to be, but then again, I also think that what if… and bare with me here. What if there was only one person in the world, and they had a Tyler, but then that one person's Tyler had a Tyler, and so on. And in the end, they had just made up a whole world. Therefore, essentially, I was someone's Tyler Durden. That makes me feel good, thinking that. Like, I am the way that somebody wants to be. And if I am that, then that means that you are too.
Do you ever feel so alone that you can't sleep? I'm talking about that whole thing where you just want someone there, a physical being. I think that would be nice. I just want to feel someone's body next to mine sometimes. Warmth, that's what I imagine it would feel like. But not the gross I just peed warmth, more like, fresh out of the oven Nana Anzac biscuits warmth. This sounds so teenage girl, and I hate that, but you know, jus sayin'.
I'm pretty sure that when I was in that place, that bad place, the only thing that kept me from cutting deeper, or tightening the 'noose' or swallowing those extra pills, was the fact that I didn't want to die a virgin. I'm pretty sure I also didn't want to die 16 and never been kissed. Gee, that sounds sad. My friends say that I'm like a nun. I'm 16 years old, and I have never been kissed, so obviously I have never gone any further than that either. I have also never smoked a cigarette, or done drugs. And I have only been drunk once, I think, I don't really know what being drunk feels like, I just remember drinking this Smirnoff stuff and then when I got up to pee my head was spinning a little and I couldn't see quite straight. But that only happened once, and it was this year. Maybe I should just go find a convent already.