Everything just doesn't seem to stop I try and try and it never ends. My thoughts are eating me alive . Everyday I wonder when it will get better, when will I find the one who saves me , who will just love me for me, but I just never happens.
So yet again I find myself drinking away from it all soothing it all with a taste of hate. I wish I could forget it all, I wish most days I didn't have my mind.
But I think that having my mind is a good thing it's a constant battle I fight .
I blame myself for everything .
I let everybody walk all over me so its not anybody else's fault but mine that's the way I see it. I don't let anybody in to save me so its not anybody's fault that I cant be saved but my own , I am my own enemy and I am so very aware of that it scares me. I wish I could go back and restart things. That way I wouldn't be where I am tonight, wondering to myself if it's the night where once again I will try to end it all.
Im not scared for it to end.. Does that scare you ?
Because I know it scares some people to think that. We all under estimates the power one has and how much pain one has to be in to think that ending it all would be so much easier than living in this god for sakin hell hole.
When I am in pain and I am so very hurt my mind goes to the first thing I know will stop it that would be taking the razor pressing the cold stainless, fearless blade against my soft skin and digging far into it until my body goes numb and I cant feel a thing and I drift asleep till the morning comes when I have to face my master piece I have made for myself.
Tonight though it's no different tough. The thoughts are just about the same and the drinking is just about the same but a new day and a new glass with another reason why .
My thoughts have filled my heart along with the prison that incases them.
I try to think back to when it all got this bad, to when it came down to this day, to this moment to these actions, to these thoughts to this all.
I try to think what can I do to make the world better but I cant. Its such a far dream just like my one to be happy. I try to think that I am needed for a purpose but I don't think that I am..
So this is where I am going to see IfI canfind out when it all started, to retrace my thoughts, to go back in time with myself and figure everything else as I sit here writing this for the world to read.