The first thing I am going to say here is:
If you don't like what I have to say/what my gender (NOT sex) is/who I am, you can leave.
Really, man. You can leave. I don't need you to drag my mental health status down even farther than it already is. So, this is your first, and only warning.
Last chance to leave.
* * * * *
A few of you have been following what I'm doing, and I'm going to tell you now that I am still me. I'm still that person that's totally in love with Tristan from my own story. The one that has bronchitis, and is sick. I'm still the one that has had a shit past. I'm still the one that you can come up to any time and talk to me about fucking anything that you want.
I'm just not a girl.
When I was eleven, I started becoming very, very uncomfortable in my female body. I have never liked it. I don't like my boobs at all, and when my period started (at 11), that's when it really all got worse.
When I started developing, I always wore baggy shirts to try and hide my chest. I still do. I hate tight shirts. If possible, I'll wear baggy shirts and baggy hoodies. Now, I like semi tight, but not too tight jeans, but still... lots of guys do. My period is trying to kill me.
Every month, when I'm trying to settle in, and trying to figure out a way to be myself, and trying to figure out a way to come out, and trying... just trying... there is still that one fucking week that my ovaries tell me that I am still their bitch.
Guy shirts fit me better anyways, so half of them ARE for guys... so that's just half way there, clothing wise, right?
One of my best friends in the world is dating a FTM transgender. Her boyfriend is just amazing, and he gets everything that I'm going through, and he helps me the best that he can. He's been where I am. Soon, I hope to be where he is.
I'm not ready to live up to society's standards. I can't, and I won't. I refuse.
I'm not going to be that perfect, skinny girl with a big ass and giant, fake tits. I'm not going to be that chick that falls for the assholes every fucking time. I'm not going to be a mother fucking guido. I'm not going to be the muscle man. I'm not going to be that.
Right now, I hide behind my female sex. Nobody suspects a thing.
What I'm going to be is just your average 'gay' teenage guy. I say gay, because despite being pansexual, I tend to lean more towards those of the male gender/sex. I do not identify as bisexual, never have, never will.
I don't go with the crowd.
I do things on my own.
But I'm afraid, Booksie.
I'm afraid of rejection. Of being beat. Of being killed, even.
I'm afraid to lose the one that I love the most, who I have clung to desperately these past few months while our relationship started to fade away. The pain of that is mother fucking hard enough, but we're trying. We'll never stop trying. I just hope that he will accept me for who I am.
I can't lose him in this.
That's what would honestly, truly kill me. It would be like murder. It would be like my heart shattered into millions of tiny, tiny little pieces.
I couldn't handle it. My life would be over. My rock would be gone. The one who saved my life, numerous times, wouldn't be there to help me with my crash, and my final burn, and he would never get another chance to.
Because nobody would get a chance to.
I'm afraid of what society thinks. I dye my hair funky colors, I have lots of ear piercings, I wear what I want. I'm not afraid of getting stared at, that's not my problem.
It's more of the emotional, mental, and physical abuse that I might come to endure.
I just want to be normal, but being a girl is not normal for me. I don't feel happy. I just... I don't.
Help me, Booksie. Please, help me find my way. I can't do this alone.
I'm begging you.