I don't know what journals are supposed to be about or even who can see them. So I just wanted to pour out my frustrations right now.
1. My mom never talks to me.
2. My dad says I dont care if ~icegal123 goes to a friends house
3. I didn't win a contest that I was super excited about
4. I feel like people hate me
5. I am scared of everything
1. My mom told me that I am going to be babysitting my niece on sunday, but today (saturday) she totally changes her mind about what she said to me and says that we are not babysitting my niece.
2. I have been wanting to go to my friends house and I have been planning all week that I wanted to go. I didn't clean my house much last week, but this week I did pretty good making myself clean a few rooms so that way I could go
3. I entered the beautiful creatures contest, and I didn't even get into the semifinalist. To me it seems that they mainly picked people who have been doing digital art for a while/are experienced in digital art because all the piece look professional and..... I don't know, now I sort of feel like a baby ranting on like this.... so lets forget number 3
4. Where ever I go I feel like people wish I wasn't there. I feel like people wish I wasn't even born. Sometimes I feel like that.... I felt like that at work last night, my boss didn't even want to look at me, and I get it she has her stuff she wants to do, but when ever I want to go talk to her she is always so.... blahhh. She just gives off the emotion that I am a nusense to her, even though I am helping her out a lot. When I first started working for her, I was excited to go there and see all the other workers there..... but now, i sort of dread that I could be doing something wrong... Its a little ridiculous that i think that.... but thats sort of how i feel...
5. I am scared of everything.... Ohhkay that might be a slight exaggeration, but I am scared of my dad.... and what people think of me... and of growing up... but I want to defy my dad anyways and I want to know what people think of me so Im not just running circles in my head and I want to grow up so I can get out of my family's house and get my own place where I can do things on my own in my own way.
6. That one is just sort of left open because I am scared of saying it to the world. I am scared that my friend who is on deviant art will see it and get scared for me. Or that she might tell someone what I said and things will explode. I should probably get some help for the thoughts I'm thinking, but I can't if my parents knew... I don't think that they would do anything they might just get stressed out.... Sometimes I just want to curl up into a hole and hide there for a year or two so things will just float away without me really know what happened. I scared that if i do that things might get bad though.... I want to runaway I want to..... but I.... It just that..... I can't. I wonder if anyone will know that I am ever thinking, but thats alright if they don't.
I have 2 friends. (for privacy's sake) we will name them Pete and Molly. Yes Pete being a guy. Pete and Molly have been dating for a year.... or at least they were dating... 2 years ago, I thought that Pete might have liked me. 1 1/2 year later he told me that he did, but his feelings changed for me when he realised that he like Molly. Now we are both just very good friends. Just before they started dating, I remember this one time in class when me and pete were being idiots and just goofing of in class and Molly sits right next to us and she said that we look like brother and sister fighting-nice or we look like a old couple. I don't know why but i though that we should be an old couple... about a 4 days after that Molly told me that she liked Pete and a week or two after that Molly and Pete began dating. I was happy for them, but sad for myself. I remember the summer before school started that year Pete was the only one talking to me because I don't have very many friends, maybe at the time I had 3 good friends. 2 of them had boyfriends so they spent all summer with them hardly talking to me. Molly was grounded all summer because she skipped class a lot in the year (or so she tells me)... Pete would talk to me over facebook, and he hated facebook, but he didn't have a phone so it was the only way I could talk to him. Without talking to him I would have gone insane. I was really lonely all summer. (Don't worry though, I made plans for the next summer to be out of town for 5 weeks in a row out of the 8 total weeks) Anyways, when molly and pete started dating molly kept apologizing saying she was sorry that she "stole him from me" but truth be told, even if i had liked him (which i didn't admit to myself for another 7 months) he wasn't "mine" to be stolen from. He was his own self, and if he liked me (which he told me he did 10 months after they started dating) he didn't really show other then talking with me a lot on facebook over the summer. I don't think i could post this Molly would certainly know who she is in this and she would be very mad with me. I don't mean to keep this from her, but she doesn't know that i liked him ever and if she knew she might blow that out of perportion.
Over the school year of 10th grade she hated me. She told me that. I knew she did, so I kept my distance. I figured it was because she was jealous that I would hang out with tyler sometimes. But no... thats not entirely true. It was because of the way he treated her v.s. the way he treated me. He occasionally hit her after the first 5 months of dating. I didn't know anything about him hitting her until about a year after the started dating.... I wish I could have helped him see he was being stupid about it.... now they areon the edge of breaking up and still dating.... Molly really doesn't want them to break up...
Can someone do me a favor and tell me if I am being childish or involving myself too much or just tell me of what you think of me as you read my journals. If you call me a bitch or a whore, no I won't go out and find you, I will be sad thats how you think of me, but everyone has their own opnions of people, so please just be honest about what you though about how I act or what I am telling you about my life in any of these journals.... thank you very much and I hope that you are honestto me.... and Thank you again....