A friend of Jenny's lived across the street from Mark. Kara
invited her over to drink for the night, so Jenny went there and
planned to drink herself into oblivion. A fifth of whiskey later,
Jenny was plastered and Kara had passed out when the bottle was
halfway gone. No one wants to sit around by themselves when
they're drunk, so Jenny started calling all of her friends. Her
friend, Martin, AKA Pumba, came over to hang out with her. She
went across the street to let her ex-husband know that he would
be hanging out with her and to check on her baby boy.
Jenny remembered opening her eyes as Pumba put his dick in her mouth. She was passed out, and once again, being raped. "Suck that dick baby, yeah put it in your mouth" she heard him saying. That sick bastard needed to be shot, but no one was there to help her. She was in and out of consciousness. The next time she came to, she heard a loud knock on Kara's front door as Pumba jumped off of her and ran to the living room, letting Jenny fall to the floor. As Jenny curled up on the floor she just cried and held herself. Would it ever stop? What had she done to deserve this again? She had done something wrong. She trusted a man. Jenny's ex-husband, Mark, and Pumba appeared in the doorway looking down at Jenny. She felt like a freak of nature on exhibit. For a few moments she was terrified that her husband had come to join in on Pumba's festivities, but thankfully it wasn't like that.
"Why the hell is my ex-wife lying on the floor half naked crying
while you're standing here sweating and out of breath?" Mark
asked the so-called friend. She heard her ex-husband asking Pumba
what was going on and he replied that Jenny was so drunk that she
passed out on the toilet and he merely carried her to bed. The
next morning, Jenny woke up next to her ex-husband. He began
telling her everything that had happened that she could not
remember. When Jenny passed out, Pumba carried her to the
bedroom. Mark happened to be outside smoking at the time, and
when he saw the bedroom light come on and then go right back off
he got worried. He began calling both Kara and Pumba's phones,
but no one was answering.
Mark came over and pounded on the door for a few minutes until Pumba finally opened the door. That was when they came into the doorway in front of Jenny. Mark simply asked Pumba what happened, and once he realized he was lying, he merely told him it was time for Pumba to leave. Her ex-husband let that man leave the house and did nothing. Jenny went into frenzy once he left. Mark could only calm her when he backed away from her and calmly called her Jenny Lou or Lou-Lou, the names her Aunt Sandy and close family always called her.
Mark said that Jenny wouldn't let anyone touch her. She went and hid in the bathtub at one point so that no one could get to her. She started begging Mark for a knife, she needed it right then. She needed to punish herself; she should've known not to trust a man. She knew better. Jenny finally calmed down and let Mark touch her once Kara was awake. She took a few anxiety pills and Mark took her home to sleep. Jenny had been raped by someone she had known for 4 years. Someone she thought was a friend.
Life Goes On
Jenny self injured again when Danielle died, but Mark kept her
from doing it after the rape. Instead she avoided the subject of
what happened and went on with life. Jenny wasn't sure she would
make it; Pa-Pa, Aunt Sandy. Baby Johnny, Brenda, Sabrina, and now
Danielle, on top of the heartache she still felt from Derek
leaving her. She just wasn't sure she could handle anymore, but
she tried to go on. "Is it ever going to end?" She asked
Zachary turned 2 years old in August. Jenny was more excited than she had been in a long time; her baby boy was growing up. It was only 2 weeks after his birthday that Zachary sat on his own for the first time. He was doing well in therapy, not throwing as many temper tantrums. Everyone was pleased with his progress since the divorce. In fact, it wasn't until Jenny got Zachary in her custody full time that he finally started gaining weight, sitting up, attempting to stand, and speak. Jenny was proud of her son and herself.
Derek told Jenny that he had to stay with Tracy because he was on parole and she could send him back to prison if he pissed her off enough. Jenny had a very hard time believing his story, but she let herself love him anyway. The months went by and things seemed better a lot of the time. After a bit, Jenny began to feel like a whore. He only spent time with her when they had sex. Was that all he wanted? Jenny began to believe that Derek was still in love with his ex-wife. Although she knew you can't change what you feel, she was still upset. If he did love her, he should have told Jenny, she thought. Jenny still had a few fleeting feelings of love for her ex-husband, but in whole, her heart belonged to Derek, and now it was just a waiting game to see if he would return that winter once he was taken off parole.
Jenny started to see that being a single mother was a lot harder then she thought. It would have been easier if Zachary didn't have therapy 3 times a week, or doctor visits every single month, but Jenny would never want him any other way, and "if this is how it's gotta be" she thought, "this is how it's gonna be."
Peek A Boo
And Hide N seek
Today it's you
Forget next week
The doctors call
Calendar fills up
Spring to fall
Never lets up
Today my son, Is ours alone
Lock that door
And turn off the phone
Your smile so bright
And eyes so wide
In my sight
There's nothing to hide
Toys and things
Scatter the floor
The phone doesn't ring
But we play no more
So, Goodnight sweet baby
Sweet dreams to you
And next week maybe
We'll forget therapy, too!"
After Danielle passed away, Jenny realized how fleeting life can be. If something were to happen to her while Zachary was young, she wanted him to have something to know her by. So, Jenny did what she does best, she wrote:
"Sunday, October 29, 2006
Zachary, you can finally sit on your own. You need a little help getting into the sitting position, but you can sit by yourself for at least 5 minutes at a time! You shake your head yes and no. Usually you say no, though! You're very brave these days. You couldn't care less if you bump your head as long as you get to where you want to go. You love to smile at people, but only if they smile first. You've become quiet the ladies' man! Your favorite food is chocolate! Cake, donuts, ice cream, anything chocolate! Your favorite cookies are milano cookies. Your Uncle Ronnie got you addicted to those! You will only take one bite from oreos or chips ahoy before throwing them down. You're so picky! You love looking in mirrors! I hope you aren't going to be conceited! You always stick out your tongue and make silly faces while you look at your reflection. You have just learned to nod your head to music. You usually only do it to slow rock songs, like Hinder- "Lips of an angel". You love to watch me dance silly to your ABC song! Sometimes mommy acts nuts, but you like it, so it's okay! You still don't look exactly like me or your father. You're a perfect mix of us both. You're so handsome! You go see your father and grandmother every other weekend. Your father usually spends a day with you, but he likes to go out with his friends and on dates with girls on the weekends. Most of the time you play with your grandma. She shows you off to everyone she knows. She treats you very well. You've finally gotten sick of the baby Einstein movies. Now we watch a lot of action movies. You like to see people fighting and wrestling. Sometimes I worry that people will corrupt you. Teach you to lie, cheat, steal, and backstab. I hope you can refuse these teachings, Zach. The truth is always best. To steal is to show disrespect. To show disrespect is lowering yourself. Never talk about people behind their backs. If you have something to say, say it to them. You're better than all of that stuff Zachary. You're a good person."
It was mid-November when her best friend, Deanna, was being induced to give birth to her son. Danielle had already named the baby before she died so his name was chosen before the birth. The newest addition to the family would be named Cameran Daniel. Jenny stayed at the hospital all day with her friend and when it was time to have the baby, she held her hand and helped her through the pain of childbirth. Deanna gave birth to a beautiful and healthy baby boy weighing exactly 7 lbs 11 oz. Once baby Cam got out of the hospital with his mommy, they went to visit Jenny and Zach. He absolutely loved baby Cameran! Zach just couldn't get enough of holding him and giving him kisses.
"Who the hell is here" she wondered as she went to answer the door. She peeked out the window to see Derek. He had come back to her. He stood at her door with a sort of arrogant look on his face. Jenny wasn't so sure she should trust him again, so she just let things go the way they went. She didn't try to control or change a thing. If it was meant to be it would be. He would have to prove his love to her before she would open her heart to him again. She had decided to guard her duct-taped heart from everyone. She would not say the words to him first. She would not allow him the opportunity to hurt her and if she had to, she would hurt him first, before she would let it happen to her. Jenny wasn't like every other girl. She was different. She was special. Derek knew all this for years, and if he wanted something special, something different, he would have to convince her that he deserved it.
And as if it were nothing
You threw us away
As if I was nothing
You pushed me away
I could feel the tension
I knew the emotions
I could see your thoughts
And I knew what was to come
You were leaving me
Not now, but soon
You don't care for me
And you'll leave me in ruin"
"I'd be okay
If we were to cease to be
I would be okay
If it seemed we'd not be happy
That's fine, goodbye, I'd say
If you wanted me no more
I would be okay
If our love became a bore
I'd make it to the next day
I will not stumble
I won't lie down and die
I can live without you
Being at my side"
As Zachary got older, Jenny couldn't help but think of his future. She hoped that her son would never have to experience the pain she had, but she knew pain is inevitable. The best she could do is share her life story and what she had come to know in her years.
If I never get the chance to tell what I know, here it is, just for you, forever. Never grow up completely. It's pointless. Have fun and feel young for as long as you can. Don't consume your life with meaningless things. Objects are just that, objects. A job is just a job. A girl is just a girl.
This is all true unless: You find a passion for an object and turn it into a life goal. You find a job you love, and enjoy every moment of it. You find a girl who is more than just a girl, she's amazing. You find those things, and you hold on tight, son.
Your heart is precious. Don't just give it to anyone. You can't trust everyone you meet son, but that doesn't mean you can't get to know them. People are funny like that. You can get to know them, enjoy their company, but that doesn't mean they're trustworthy with even a dollar, let alone something as perfect as your heart.
Smoking is a horrible habit. Never take it up. Believe your mother, here, I know. Your teeth rot, your breath stinks, your clothes, furniture, car, all of it reeks of nicotine and smoke. You'll end up broke, with bad teeth, and you'll stink. Yuck.
Find your passion and never lose it. Whatever it is that makes your life worth living, find it and go with it. Never give up and never forget. You can learn in many ways other than reading a book. Go out and explore. Try new things. Experiment. Life can teach you many things a book cannot.
Hold true to yourself. Never change for ANYONE. You are you and no one else. You are perfect as you are. You can do great things if you stay true to your identity and love yourself. You are the most important thing in my life, son. I can't imagine life without you and don't want to. You are my everything. My sun and moon. My air and water. My heart and soul.
Always remember these quotes and lyrics:
- "One day we'll all have perfect wings"
- "I may not have much, but I have my family, and that's all I'll ever need."
- "In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity"
And the most important thing of all to never ever forget:
I'm always with you son,