I need a place to vent. You know, just type/write my problems, issues, thoughts, whatever, without a care in the world who reads it. I know, I know, "Kori, this isn't a blog; you can't just put up your journal in here! This is for stories…" yes, but deviantart and my original figment account are a risk. I have so many friends on there now, from school and such, that I feel the possibility of them reading an entry and thinking I'm talking about them; which would be BAD if I really WAS talking about them. See it now?
So, I'll vent on here from now on. My rants are not the greatest, I must say. They jump from here to there, and the word choice is beyond simple. Yet, this is all just ongoing typing. Think of it as if I'm actually talking to you, the audience. For this is how I sound in reality. It's like I literally took the verbal words and typed it down on Word.
Let's start with the only thing on my mind as of now. I'll title it, "A good friend, religion, and my determined outlooks on the religious"
A good friend, religion, and my determined outlooks on the religious
Alright, so I have this really good friend of mine. We've been buddies since 8th grade; that's about 3 years now. She's reliable, never lied to me (that I know of at least, but no worries, I'm paranoid, naturally), interesting, kind girl. I've been to her house numerous times and personally loved to talk to her and her mom, especially when they start speaking French. But, for a while now, every time I ask this friend of mine if she wants to sleepover or hang out at my house, whatever, she says she can't. Always says she can't. Always. She is the only close friend who has never been at my house. In addition, after asking her to sleepover with me, and other close friends she knew, for my 16th birthday coming up, I found it odd how she replied that she probably could not.
Therefore, I finally asked her why. And here is basically what she said- "It's kinda funny. Because, you know my sister right? She likes you, but she doesn't like T (another friend of ours, I will just call her "T"). Thinks she's crazy *laughs*… but, my mom doesn't like you very much-"
I was speechless. Seriously, I was shocked. How could such a nice, generous lady, who offered me rides and such, not like me? I, still stunned, asked in anxiety, "*awkward laugh* What, why?! I'm not doing anything wrong when around her, am I?"
The only things 'wrong' that went through my head at that moment was maybe, just maybe, influencing this friend into Japanese Club, and anime movie outings, all that jazz. But that wasn't wrong/bad, was it?
Anyways, she replied to my question, "You're atheist, and my mom thinks you'll, like, convert me-"
Deep inside, I was suddenly irritated. I regret thinking the thoughts that came up in my mind next, but she continued "-Yeah she said like 'she'll make you worship satin' or something-"
I suppressed my anger and, instead, replied lightheartedly, "Haha, I said I'm atheist, not a Satanist! Last time I checked, there was a difference…"
She laughed with me, "I know right?"
"And you know my mom is Catholic-"
"Yeah!" she said, laughing still, "I know, and I told her! But she still doesn't trust your parents."
My god, what the hell are a police officer and a paralegal going to do to a sixteen year old overnight? Convert, really?! Jesus…
It was a little upsetting to understand how her mom thought of me. I am a well-mannered girl, who says her sorry's, please's, and thank-you's when needed, decent sanitation, and restraint on religious contradiction-rants and saying the word "Hell" (even "Jesus", "God!", etc). For Christ sakes, I even went to their church once with her! What more do you want from me?!
Nevertheless, I sadly comprehended that I can't do anything about it. I can't lie and abruptly say to her mom, "Oh, look, I'm suddenly Christian! Praise the lord!" or something like that. I also can't discuss with the mom on how ridiculous she's being because, let's face it, I wasn't supposed to know this in the first place. Not that I REGRET knowing.
Religion has always been a problem for me. I always hated that moment you're in a new group, or sitting with new people, and the question on "what religion do you believe in?" comes along the table and hits me and I say straightforwardly, "Oh, I'm atheist." The uncomfortable silence is beyond distressing. You would think that I'm just making this up or over exaggerating, yeah? Sadly, I truly wish I was. Serious. It freakin' sucks when you're "that atheist" in the corner of the room filled with a bunch of Christians and Mormons. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem talking with people of a different religion; but when they identify you as that religion, or worse, not talk to you because of it, I actually feel discriminated. Something close to it.
Consequently, let's take a step back here, back to five year old innocent Kori. Back then, my dad was in the military (enrolled as soon as I was born), so I didn't see him much. At all really. Especially when the Iraq war came along. I remember my mom telling me that angels were watching over him, and I should pray to God for my father's protection and safety. She also would tell me about Guardian angels, and how, when you died, you went to this graceful perfect place called Heaven. Yup, I was basically raised as a Christian. When I reached first grade, and that religion question came up, I would say, practically self-assuredly, "I'm Christian!"
This went on for quite some time. Until my father came back. My dad asked me once what I thought of God, and I of course told him all this stuff about how Jesus and the Father loves us, and Heaven will be a great place when I die, and hopefully our cat will come too, with us, to Heaven. Yet, the question I asked my father was "What do you believe in?"
He unexpectedly gave a grave expression and said he'll tell me when I'm older. That reply wasn't very new, and at this point, I was completely used to it. Thus, I waited 'til I was a little older. I definitively asked my dad again on what he believed in. After countless begging's on him to just tell me (the reason he stated on why he wouldn't was that, if he told me, I would follow him and his belief, and he obviously wanted me to have a clear free choice on what to believe in), he finally gave in.
Do you know what he said? Yup, pretty obvious- atheist.
Whoa, let's not get any assumptions just yet! Just because my father is atheist, and the reasoning for not telling me was so I DON'T follow in his steps out of inspiration or pressure or something, does NOT mean I am who I am based on that alone. You see, I didn't know much about any other religion. Jewish? I thought it was the same as Christianity, just in a different language/origin. Catholic? Thought it was the same as Christianity, just dealing with Saints. That's right, I didn't read the bible, I never went to church, I had no idea who "Moses" or "Abraham" was and why they were important. My mom didn't seclude me into the religion, she just wanted me to have hope- and praying to God seemed like a good opportunity. So no, I do not regret my mom educating me on Christianity; not at all.
See it now? I did not know you didn't have to believe in God. I thought it was just, in a way, natural. Like, there wasn't really any other option in the first place. But when my father told me what atheism was, my poor mind wrecked on itself on what to believe in. Right now, I'm like, what? Maybe .5% disappointed in my mother for not informing me as a child that there are other religions and groups of people who did not believe in god? *shrugs* It really isn't a big deal.
Nonetheless, as years passed, I began to question this so called God. By 4th grade, I disregarded being Christian entirely. My dad did not like that one bit. He apparently went and presumed that I chose this because he had. After a year of convincing him that I did this freely and with rational thought (I'm only like 11 at this time haha), he finally accepted it, and I was allowed to say I was Atheist- because I had to have the logical perceptive behind in whatever religion I was going to be.
I still remember when I was concerned on my parents perturbing talks about being atheist and not believing in god, they said to me (my mom really), "Honey, we don't care what religion you are, because it doesn't matter. We will always love you no matter what you choose."
My dad said something along the lines of, "No matter what you do believe in, even if it's nothing or something totally crazy, we will be there to support you all the way."
I don't know about you guys but, just typing that makes me teary eyed. I swear, I have the best parents in the world. I hope I can raise my kids the same way; giving them the freedom to choose whatever religion they want (that's sensible. Sorry, but, Wicca, Satanism, or that weird marijuana religion, all that is nonsense. I do apologize if that is what you believe in. I am not insulting anybody in those groups. I am just not going to let my child/children join those religions. Wiccans, I'll let that slide. Only exception. Moving on.) instead of shoving it down their throat as a child. Or the family pressuring them to believe in the same thing. Whatever.
My brother was actually Christian for a while. Funny though, he still said Hell and said God's name in vain and all that; never read the bible or went to church as well. Just like my dad, my little brother asked me what religion I was. And, again, just like my dad, I replied to my brothers question with the same answer. Though, when he turned 8, I finally told him. Like me, he realized that you didn't have to believe in God. I felt a little ashamed in myself for not telling him sooner. Me and my brother always had a closer connection than with our parents, of course, so religion never came upon my parents like it has with me.
So, past me made some discoveries, and that's the basic outline on why I am atheist.
With a sigh, I'm guessing this friend of mine will never come to my house… and there's nothing I can do to change it. And, this may sound cruel but, I don't really care anymore. I just don't give a damn. If her mom wants to make horrible notions on other 16 year old girls, without listening to their opinions at least, so be it. She is the reason why I look at religious adults with some disgust. Some people need to grow up.
Mother of everything holy, even T, who is Mormon, loves it when I come to her house, and her parents allow her to come to mine! They are hardcore Mormons, and yet they are happy letting an atheist walk around in their home, or their daughter to hang out at my place. So why can't a stubborn Christian lady see that I am no harm?
I know, "Kori! This friend of yours could be lying, you know? Maybe her mom doesn't think of you like that, just wants to cause some drama, huh?"
No, that definitely sounds like something the mom would say/think. The women prays in the car before driving, eating, etc. She made me apply to the church (which I favorably lied about all my information there), and let's her daughter go to other Christian and Mormon houses instead. She's no saint though, haha, for she deprived the girl of watching any movies as a child, rejects Harry Potter (yes, she is one of those absurd people who think books on magic will flaw their children) I could go on forever! The women says bible verses, and has holy water, and even offered to baptize me. My god, I'm almost POSITIVE that her mom would say those things. So sad yet so true.
Obviously, I am still young. Only turning 16 in two days. But I still find it childish for an adult to just believe in uncanny stereotype assumptions like that. Downright foolish. What's worse is this friend of mine, who loves drawing and anime as much as I do, with really good talent on drawing, is being forced to become a nurse by the mom. The poor girl doesn't even get a career choice. Moreover, I know this because even the lady admitted it to me. What the hell is wrong with this world sometimes? Or at least, the religious single moms here in Mesa nowadays?
[Rant over, end January 25, 2012, 5:06 AM]