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A Confession of Intimacy

By: AGirlWithAPen

Page 1, A letter to the men I have been intimate with.

 

You saw me at my most vulnerable,
You held me in your arms,
You couldn’t even look me in the eyes.
You told me you loved me,
And that you’d never see me again,
And you didn’t say a single word.
You kissed me with passion, 
With guilt, 
With tension, 
With regret,
With sloppy intoxication,
And entirely too much tongue.
I’ve forgiven you,
Maybe I never will,
But maybe I can’t forgive myself.
Forgetting is an arduous task
That I often manage to start,
 And never manage to complete.
 
I loved you,
Knew you,
Wanted you,
Had you,
Let you go.
You did the same,
One night,
One time, 
Twice,
Three times, four,
More times than I can remember or explain.
You erased my innocence.
 
The words of a man,
One of you in his own right,
Sink slowly into my heart,
Like sugar in my tea,
And salt in my coffee.
I finally understand that you’ll be a part of me,
For forever and a day,
Inked on my memory like an unwanted tattoo.
 
So with this I say thank you,
And screw you,
And I’m sorry.
How could you,
thank God,
And you have a small penis.
I’ll always love you,
What on earth was I thinking,
It’s okay,
And you’re not a gentleman,
No matter how many times you tell yourself that you are.
 
I loved each of you once,
If even in a fleeting moment,
If solely Eros,
The physical, sensual love.
I know that I too have seen you vulnerable,
We broke down walls together,
Without asking, without meaning,
Without realizing, without warning.
So if we can be nothing more to each other,
I hope you know you meant something to me,
Still do,
Always will,
And know that you are my scariest, 
most intense, 
most heart-wrenching,
most important lessons,
Helping me learn,
Grow,
Change.

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