Throughout all this times I am coming to terms of loses I suffered last years such as three painful loses in which I was torn apart, which went on for about two years.
Then lost of my employment, finally I quit the siege, a 2 years ago.
Loose my son as well. It was harder than I thought it would be letting go and losing my son.
During that time I found myself holding on to my one and only love I had ever known (my son).
I found myself alone in the dark the fear was my truth. My soul refuse joy, my body refused food, was only a foot to the edge with my last breath and strength.
Till one night I began to write about my feelings and emotional painful side of lack of my son present.
It was the hardest things I have ever been through especially when betrayal was involve.
I often found myself moving on and then sliding back into it again it is nerve wrecking situation
I found myself in a battle with unseen enemies, which threw me into severe emotional and psychological traumatic stress.
I wept and still weeping till today.
It was really hard to accept my fate that the only person that gave me the sense of importance has gone.
Today I have come to understand that redemption comes through pain, but this pains had gone on for so many years.
Only when one look back they will see how far they have gone from where they started the journey to unknown and difficult road in their lives.
But in my case I am still on this particular journey.
When I started this journey of letting go of the most beautiful things in my life which is my beloved son, I thought that I stood no chance of making it to the other end.
But as I go through the painful journey alone, strength, hopes, belief, motivation, is lost.
It came to a point when it was clear to me that every step I took was a step toward darkness, I wept without relieve.
The worst part of this difficult road journey is the feeling of lost, emptiness and sinking feeling, it is dreadful.
I Cried and slept in pool of my tears, no one on this road to console me, I was totally alone on this journey.
Every night I found myself standing behind my son shadow, his ever diminishing face appear on the wall of my heart, which torment my soul.
But my determination to make it other side kept me persevering.
But along the road of my journey my heart and spirit began to resonate back to life, the life began to come back to deserted kingdom.
Then for the first time my heart felt redemptive again but still in painful sorrow.
I come to undertand the an elephant grave yard is no place for the young prince.
I come to understand the good time brings friends but adversity try them.
Creation and freedom comes only when you learn how to say no.
No matter what you are going through today, keep going because every road has it ends you must surely get there someday, and you feel home again, peace and love again.
There is only three things our lives hold for us.
We don't know when it going to end, we don't know where it going to take us, we don't know who going to come into our lives.
So trying to catch the wind or falling stars, make no sense to me at all.
During this journey of letting go, I found myself watching life moving and moving on and by but in my soul is nothing.
It came to a point where I found out how it feels like that everyone you know is gone and felt so faraway from you.
I come to understand that my world is so round that where I thinks will be the ends, suddenly become the beginning.
I also learn one thing, he might have gone but his presence still ringers in my mind and heart and it will always be like that.
There is a great holes in my spirit and my heart, which doctors can't see.
My son , I am dying, where are you?
I am still in this journey to find you my lost son.
The rains come and gone. The winter has come and gone, The summer has come and gone.
The autumn has come and gone, but my pain, sorrows, despair, worries, helpless is still dwindling my heart, soul and spirit.
My son my journey to find you have scared my spirit and soul, I am weak and in the middle of no where, I am tired, worn out with no strength.
I am calling out for you where are you.
It have been 2 years now when I last hear from you or hear your voice.
The sound of joy your heart beat you left inside me when you use to fell asleep on my chest, is still beating but have turned into a pain and sorrow instead of the joy it gives.
My heart is shattered there a hole on it.
Since you left my heart have been shattered into millions fragments and can never be amended.
The blood is oozing from this holes in my heart. Today me and you speak different language while you are my son, I can't tell anyone how painful this is to me.
So one night I began to write down my painful feelings and emotional pains, and this is when I began to ask God so many questions about trouble I face and have faced.
Now the journey of letting go
Oh Lord these roads that I am walking alone to find my lost son seem very difficult and endless roads.
For I know and understand that road that lead to greatness and ever lasting joy and tranquilities is full of tribulation and challenges.
But every now and then, I feel my soul asking and saying oh Lord, am I getting ready?
Oh Lord, I didn't know what it means to believe, you see that I have to deal with my doubts and disbelieves because so many times I doubted the presence of truth.
The harsh truth that the ones that hold the best part of me is gone.
Oh Lord, am I getting ready?
Standing between these walls, but still distance within my own mind, still holding on to the things I cherished most?
But if I hold on tight, is it true?
Would you take care of all that I do?
Oh Lord, am I getting ready to believe?
Or can anyone blame me for not knowing what it's mean to believe?
Oh Lord why my soul still withering like autumn leaves?
Or am I just getting ready to believe?
But sometime I am not able to deal with my doubts of the things that I face, like so many times I sat at my bedroom when the rain starts purring down, I can hear and feel the rains but still see myself opening my window curtains to see the rain falling, in other to feed my doubting mind, because I am still hoping and believing that it is not true that my beloved son is gone.
Oh Lord, I didn't know what it means to believe.
To believe that things happen for the best.
I didn't know how hard it would be on me.
Every now and then I see myself standing at my window some nights to look out for one who is holding the best part of me, who healed my childhood wounds.
At the same time I kept on asking oh Lord why I didn't know what it's mean to believe. Or if am I getting ready to believe?
That the roads we have traveled have come to an end, that when two loves the same love, one love has to lose. Oh lord why I didn't know what it means to believe?
Or am I getting ready to believe?
For I didn't know how hard it would be on me to hold on tight, I can see the winds blowing and the trees swerve the leaves are falling down.
Then I began to asked myself why, is the leaf not holding on tight to the trees?
Why am I still in doubt of these difficult roads ahead of me?
Oh lord, why am I still standing against my own reflection?
Why am I still standing within the walls ans still distance within my own mind?
I have seen and heard of so many men being consumed by the journey through these roads, because the journey through these roads has never been easy.
So oh Lord am I getting ready to believe?
Is that true that you will watch over me through these difficult roads journey, as the shepherd watches over the little white sheep as they sleep?
Oh Lord is it's true I am now getting ready to believe.
Oh Lord if I believe is it true that you will hold my hands and lead me through the gloomy days and through the night of these difficult roads ahead of me?
For those men that have gone through these roads has the full knowledge of these difficult roads.
I understand that doubts and weakness is only obstacle that hinders my journey through these difficult and unpredictable roads.
I also understand that these roads are full of pains and sorrows even disappointments are on each an every step one takes throughout these dreadful roads.
I do understand that I would walk alone throughout this terrible road journey and only my shadow will be only one who would walk beside me.
I also understand that there are uncountable bridges throughout these long and difficult roads.
Would anyone blame me, for not knowing what it's means to believe?
Oh Lord I am now getting ready to believe. For I know that across this roads and bridges, there will be no more sorrow.
Across this roads and bridges, there will be no more pains and after my journey through the dreadful roads, the Sun will shine across the river and I will never be unhappy again.
The river of Jordan will be near to me, the sound of trumpets I will hear then I will behold the most special place ever known to man.
Oh Lord I know now what it means to believe and hold on tight, when I am heartlessly betrayed by my very closest.
Oh Lord my feats are hurting my heart is in pains, my eyes can't see far any more of where am going. The mist is in my front, back, both side, couldn't see anyone on my horizon and I feel so lonely on this roads.
I am hungry, tasty for comfort, but so far everyone is far away from me that how it felt for me.
There is so many mountains on my way to cross over it, I don't know where my strength would come from.
I cried so many night throughout this road no one is here to consoled me. My presence is disappearing, my son Ijenna your face have faded away from my imaginations.
It is painful, hurtful, but I hope that one day God almighty will rise and fight my foes.
Oh Lord sometime I wonder why you abandoned me and why I was made black, the color of my skin have taking me to this journey where there is no mercy on the roads.
Oh Lord my fate is now drowned and faded away but still not out.
I starve everyday in order to see the end of this roads. Oh Lord am I getting ready to make it to the end, as you can see that my soul is weak and worn out, I found no favor no mercy no companionships.
and now my feats and my weariness is hurting me and my spirit is beginning to dissolve. But I still pray and hope that one day I would rise abuses these.
Weary soul going home and coming home
My home, I know that one day I will feel home again, and feel born again, where I will not be judged by my color or race.
My home, oneday I will turn my back on all my troubles and face my home again.
As well as I know that one day I will feel strong again and be accepted again.
Because I left my head so many times, I humbled by the challenges that befell on me.
I have been told that all this things that my heart is screaming for, will make me old i.e. Injustice to the soul of the innocent.
So I close my eyes look behind and determined for moving on, moving on to find my lost soul my other half (my son).
Because sometimes that things that happened! and there is nothing I could have done about it.
So again I close my eyes look behind myself and moving on but now and then I feel lost again in shadow of you my son.
Lost again that I asked myself so many questions and there is no answer yet for these questions.
But one day I know my Paths will cross again and I will smile again, Smile again that one day my hoping for better days will make me smile again and my son will hold my hand again, I won't hide my happiness again from that day.
So I closed my eyes to hear my home calling me saying, home again.
Many times I have been told by my spirit to speak my mind and just be bold, so I close my eyes for the winds and breeze of change to blow into my shattered life.
Now and then I am look behind moving on, moving on for I know for sure that my life will never be the same again after so many years in a strange land, where my fear is my truth and my truth is my unknown.
My son Ijenna can you hear me calling out your name?
The name that give me strength and sense of meaning to life heal my internal scars.
On this strange land my trouble fell on me like tropical rain, it fell on me with no mercy and every now and then I heard a voice of solace whispering on my ear saying my home.
But I know that one day the God of lost souls will have mercy and take this ever sinking boat and point it towards my home again, where my betrayed soul will be healed.
I am feeling my home again, my home town where I grew up like a child needing his family. My home where gentle people lives.
For I have wept so many days and nights thinking and feeling my home.
So I close my eyes and feel that one day this tears will one day clear for good, then I will feel no fear again, then I do feel no falling back to my old paths, and my paths will remain straight as my life goes on.
For so many times I have been torn down, and all these torn have hurt my soul and my spirit that is why I am feeling born again and home again.
My head, my spirit and my soul is feeling my home again and I know that one day, I will be back in my home town where I grew up and feel my home again.
One day I will be in my home and feel the spirit of my home again the land of my father and the land of braves, the land I felt like a hero, the land I felt endless joy.
My soul is feeling home again after so many years of being in love with fantasy.
So I close my eyes moving on, moving on for I know that one day God will heal my broken wings, so I can fly again and feel my home again.
Moving on after I fourth a war I thought I could win, Going back home where I belong, after you let our home fall down, the home we called our whole world.
My home I can hear you calling me to come back after so many years of life of fear and uncertainty, living in fear of unknown.
My home again, I am feeling my home again after so many nights of crying and weeping on a strange land and wiping my tears with my broken hands in the, solitude and loneliness.
For so many times I felt sick and this sick and sorrow is home sick. My home where everything fell in place and sun shine through my soul, but I know that one day I will feel home again and my body and soul will be healed again of this pains, sorrows and scars.
My home, I will walk on a paved road to see my home again as I had never walked on a paved road on my entire life.
I am talking about my home............. I want to feel my home again after toiling for so many years in a strange sea with nothing to show for it.
But I could feel that my boat is sailing towards my home again after 7000 miles away from my home, my home that I left unconditionally.
My home my spirit long for. For I know that one day I will feel home again cause I missed my home.
Then I will be waving my hands singing freely, and standing tall like cedar of Lebanon, it is now coming getting easy, no more looking down or back, for I know that the joy of coming home and feeling my home again will be over whelming my soul.
For I know that a day will come when my beloved son will look for me again.
I saying that I am feeling my home again, my home I will wake up with sun in my face and goes to bed with moonlight shining over my roof top.
Honey can't you see me feeling home again after all these years has gone by?
Honey I hope see it that I am feeling home again. I might lose everything but I will never lose my home town.
Life goes on and on as the rivers flows and goes around the world and return where it started.
What we see is what we know, but what we don't know is older than us. My son, My soul I am missing you.
True heart written by Mr Ezimuor