January 11, 2011

7:14 pm - I'm sitting at the table serving AP (Academic Probation). It's bullshit... I hate this place. I haven't seen Lexi today. But even if I had, she probably wouldn't have looked at me anyway. Ugh... I miss her so much. I really want tot talk to her. I hate this fucking place. But I'm really nervous about going home. It's going to be really weird. And my mom is probably going to put a lot of pressure on me once I'm back. If I slip up once, she might want to send me back here. I wouldn't be able to get sent here twice. Once was bad enough. But as long as I can be with Lexi, then I will be happy. My mom doesn't want me being involved with anyone right now. But I don't give a shit about what she wants. She wants me to be a "Momma's Boy" my whole life... Fuck that. I'm 16, I do what I want. But believe it or not, I actually have morals. Most people think that I'm a complete sociopath or I'm just a sarcastic asshole. I'm sure I can be those, but I'm not all the time. I'm just mean or rude to people who I don't like. That's why I'm such a jerk here... All the kids on my unit are really annoying, so it's really hard for me to stay positive. This place sucks. I'm really bored, but also irritated at the same time. I have to sit at the table and listen to all these retarded kids saying retarded things. I could fill this whole journal talking shit about these kids. But this is my journal. So I don't need to waste ink over them. The only I look forward to is talking to Lexi and the fact that I go home in 19 days. I wish I could take Lexi and my friend Randall with me when I leave. But I'd leave the rest of these miserable fucks here to rot. I'm not sure what I am going to do with life when I'm gone. These days I just fuck around, but I can't do that (as much) once I'm home. The only thing I like about this place is all the funny stuff that goes on daily. There are so many funny arguements over the stupidest things here. It will be different at home. I need to do something to take up my spare time. I don't want to go back to drugs and depression... I'll probably start drawing again, which is good. Or maybe I could play football for my high school, that'd be fun. I'll figure it out though.

I hope that Alexandra _______ is doing well. I haven't gotten a letter from her yet. I hope I get one soon though. I don't know why I feel so comfortable talking to her about my feelings, I can tell her things that I would never tell Randall or Lucius or Melody. It's strange, but not in a bad way. She has a lot of problems with her parents. They are ridiculously strict and over protective and she always talks to me about it. I usually talk to her about some girl problem or drug craving. She's not anything like me, but for some reason we talk and understand each other. I think that we have a lot of similar thinking patterns. Not all of them, but a lot. Her internal response to things is a lot like mine. We react and think the same things. But I tend to act on my impulses a lot more. Which is not good, because it tends to get me in trouble. Controlling my depression and anger is the key for me to be happy. The biggest difference between Alexandra and I is that she doesn't let her deep feelings show on the outside. She plays off being happy and content, but I can tell that there's something more than what she's saying under the surface. She's about a year younger than me, and I kind of feel like her older brother. I hope that she doesn't have to go through a lot of the expiriences that I went through. If she went through the emotional pain that I did at this age, I would feel really bad. She would never deserve to go through that kind of stuff, She's a really good girl and I hope she's doing alright.

P.S. Bless you Lexi and Alexandra...