My Depression and Me
Its a Thursday the 17th March 2011 and its 08:18 in the morning. My bedrooms still dark and I can smell the faint stink of sweat, stale air and rotting pizza. I am not alone, Im surrounded by my faithful friends that never leaves my side anymore, Fear guards my bedroom door so I feel safe, Weakness draws my curtains and hides the sunshine he knows I love, Depression and Self-pity cuddles me in my bed while loneliness watches over me. Not the right company to keep I assure you, but boy do we fill a room. I havent seen Strength in a while, Courage has long deserted me and Wisdom wants no part to play. How long has it been? More importantly, how did this all happen.
I cant remember exactly when this became my reality, but right now Im trapped, trapped in what should be a scene in the film, Eat, Pray Love, the one where Julia Roberts goes on a journey of enlightenment after life happens to her, only this scene remains dark and the person playing it, is me. And life didnt just happen to me; it kicked the shit out of me. I didnt see the first blow coming, but it knocked me to the ground, I stayed down for a while, trying to make sense of what happened and when I looked up I realised I was in a boxing ring with Life, I wasnt too worried at first, unprepared maybe, but Ive been in a ring with Life before and I always deliver the knockout punch at the end of round 12. We always did give the audience a good show him and I. So I got up, shook it off, threw my fists in the air and faced my opponent.
But then I saw it, standing face to face with Life he winks at me, hed been training for this day, why wasnt I aware, why didnt anyone tell me! he trained hard I could tell, his body strong, his guard up, his eyes angry and determined watching me. I swallowed hard as I realise this is worse than I thought and I may not win this one. Saved by the bell I retreat to my corner, my best friend Strength is there but he doesnt look himself, he tells me I can win it, but I see the doubt in his eyes, Courage wipes my bloody nose and says chin up youll be fine, Wisdom says youve done this before, you are an experienced fighter. But I dont believe my friends today. The crowd falls quiet and in walks Fear with all his mates, Weakness of course right on his heels, depression and self-pity joined by the hip and loneliness looking out of place. All eyes on me. Fear looks exceptionally good tonight wearing his expensive white suite and shiny black shoes, he has a knowing look on his face, I watch him as he makes his way through the crowd and I know why hes here, he placed a big bet on me tonight.
The bell goes and I turn to face Life to defend my title this will be my toughest fight!
The Big Decision- 31 March 2011
Its Thursday the 14th of April 2011 and its 08:40 in the evening, its almost a month since the last time I found myself staring at a blank white screen letting my thoughts flow into words. Only this time Im in a different room a different place and I can smell soap and green tea on my skin, meatballs and steamed vegetables I cooked an hour ago and I feel a cool breeze on my bear arms coming through the window I left open, I am alone, even if only for a while. My faithful friends are in the other room. I hear them discussing me, contemplating whether to walk in, fed up with my behaviour lately, how can I know what is good for me I hear the voices say. It wasnt easy getting to where I am but Ive dismissed Fear from his door duty and sent him packing, although I still feel his presence every day, I convinced Weakness to open the curtains and let sun shine through, Depression and Self-pity stubborn bastards convinced me to let them stay and cuddle me on the days I couldnt get Loneliness off my back.