By: Austin R. Garber
It’s dark outside, darker than most nights. The air was cold, and the stars were out. I walk out to the fire I had made and sat down, in order to think back on the events of the past month. There I sit, all alone, waiting to die. My recovery beacon known as my heart calls out, searching for something or someone to pick up and put it back together. I think about the good times, the bad times, the great times, the awful times, so much to think about.
A month ago, I had a knife to my wrist. The pain seemed almost enjoyable as I saw the damage I was doing. I was remembering all the times people said I was going to fail. I was remembering all the times I had trusted someone, and how they threw it back at me. I was remembering falling in love, and falling on my face as I screamed.
I remember even last week, I was beating my fists against the window, screaming for someone to get me out of this living hell. Crying comes to easily these days; I’ve been broken down so many times that I don’t even have a defense.
With a group of demons known as family, I try to be on high alert, but even then I’m as good as dead. I can’t even focus on my everyday duties such as school, for I am haunted by my worthlessness, and my nothingness. The cuts and burns show everything, they show I’m nothing, for that is what I am.
In the past 3 weeks however, I seemed to have found a reason to remain in this prison. Some would say I have a crush, others would say I fancy someone. Or if you really know me, you’d say I’ve fallen in love. I’m not going to give names or explain in detail about how things came to be; you know who you are, and what you mean to me.
This person, she showed me something, a new hope you could say. She gave be a reason to recover from all this and to push on with life. I guess I have a soft spot for helping people. I like being there for people and letting them lean on me if that need to. If listening makes people feel better, I’ll do it. And if recovering keeps her on the path to freedom, I will do it. Unlike most people, she’s worth pain, the scars, and the lies. She’s the one reason I’m trying to escape the depths of this strange ocean. She’s the one reason I want to stay alive, because I want to be with her.
She picked up my recovery beacon and fixed it, she patched it up as best she could. She gave it a home, and there it stays recovering.
Of course it will take time for it to fully recover, but if it hadn’t been for her I wouldn’t be sharing this with you today.
Her work was very silent, but very effective. Nobody knows why I’m still on this earth, they don’t know who to thank. They don’t know what she’s done, and how much she means to me. And they don’t realize that no matter what they say, she will not be taken from me.
She’s recovery, she’s the reason I want to recover, she’s the reason I’m not dead today. And she’s the reason I’ll be alive tomorrow, and the next day and until we die.
But my point is, no matter how bad things seem to get, no matter how hurt you are send out your recovery beacon. It might not come back for a long time, but when it does, it will bring recovery, the one thing you need to survive. And whenever you feel like you’re about to end your life think of “Recovery” and the “One” thing that will keep you going. I found my recovery one, and I will never let her go. And soon you’ll find yours.