I used to think that my parents were heroes that they could save me from anything. But now that I’m older I know better. I figured they’d never hurt me but they’re the reason for me tears. Ugh! I can hear them from down here! They never stop fighting it scares me sometimes. My parents have issues. My dad’s an alcoholic; who has a bad temper, my mom is an alcoholic and a pothead. My dad has a great job, he’s a journeymen he makes good money but his job is all he cares about. He comes home wasted, yelling and bitching about anything and everything. Mom does shit all but sits at home and drinks, lighting up that joint to get her next high, she spends her days on the couch or in bed. Never has she tried to get a job; she complains that she has a bad back which may be true but that’s why they make jobs where you can sit down…fuck what a lazy bitch. School…well what can I say? It’s not fun and my friends are backstabbers so I don’t tell them shit. Everything in my life is fading sometimes I have thoughts…scary thoughts. Well I gotta go time for school. –Bella.
I put the pencil down and hid my diary in between my two mattresses. I wait for the bus as I’m doing this a thought comes into mind. What if I run out in front of the bus? Do you think it would kill me? I know it sounds ridiculous but it’s easier than living. The bus pulled up, I got on taking the seat at the back of the bus. I watched as Spike and Levi traded pot for money. The bus pulled up to the school and we all piled out. I had to run to catch up with Spike. I asked if pot was as bad as everyone says. He shook his head.
“Nah, it just relaxes you. Why do you need some?” I didn’t really know what to say so I just shrugged.
“I don’t know,” I said.
He smiled. “Well if you ever need any come find me or give me a call.” He handed her his card and before he walked away he said, “Goodbye beautiful.”
I smiled to myself as I made my way to English. Ugh! I hate this fucking class! I thought as I sat down. Mr. Newell was telling us about the upcoming assignment. I slowly dazed off. My mind wondered to Spike; he is such a babe! I love is short black hair and how it makes his beautiful dark brown eyes stand out! Hmm maybe I should buy pot from him and ask him to smoke it with me. I want to try it so bad but I’m afraid I’ll get caught. After English I went to the ATM and withdrew $60. That should be enough right? I waited for the day to end but it seems like time is against me today. By the time the last bell rang I was so excited and nervous. I waited outside for Spike, when he caught my eye I waved for him to come over. He walked towards me, stopping about an inch away from me. I could feel his body heat, I could smell his cologne. When he talked I could feel his breath hitting my face and all of a sudden I went weak, I thought I was going to collapse, thank God I didn’t.
“Hey, beautiful, I take it you wanna smoke a joint?” He said with a smile, a beautiful smile that could light up a dark room.
“Yeah,” I said.
He wrapped his arm around my waist and guided me away from the school. OMF! I can’t believe it! We arrived at 7-11 where we met up with his older brother Jesse. We drove back to their place. Spike was getting the bong ready so I decided to call my mom telling her that I was staying at a “friends place” her reply was, “I don’t give a shit!” then she hung up. Spike came up behind me wrapping his arms around me and kissed my neck sending an instant sensation through my body. We went back to the living room; Spike picked up the bong and looked at me.
“Babe, watch carefully,” he said, knowing it was my first time. He raised the bong an inch away from his lips. He lit the pot and the bong soon filled with smoke which Spike inhaled it all. He passed the bong to Jesse and put his arm around me. When it was my turn, I brought the bong an inch away from my lips, lit the pot and inhaled the smoke that filled the cylinder. It felt like fire running down my throat, I couldn’t breathe. I felt light headed and relaxed, totally relaxed. We did one more round then Jesse went to his room. I went and sat on the couch and Spike followed close behind. He sat down, turned my chin and kissed me gently. His lips we’re soft on my mine. It wasn’t long until we we’re laying on the couch and half undressed. He’s hands explored my body touching me, rubbing. Every touch felt good, I’ve never felt this special in my life. I let my hands wonder down his stomach and down his pants, I didn’t know exactly what I was doing but I went with it. He asked me if I ever gave a guy a blow job, I said no. He asked if I wanted to try and I said yes. When Spike pulled me back up I realized I wasn’t going to be a virgin after tonight. Spike reached for a condom. We started fucking, 45 minutes later he pulls out. He goes to the bathroom as I lay there. Damn that was amazing, I can’t wait to do it again. When he came back he lay down and wrapped me in his arms. I woke up to Spikes face; he was staring at me in amazement. I blushed and kissed him. He got up and brought me some clothes to wear.
“There Jesse’s girlfriends, she left them here,” he said. I put on the mini skirt and the tank top, fixed my hair and makeup. When Spike came back in he smiled and hugged me whispering, “Damn girl, you look fine.” I smiled and kissed his cheek. We smoked a joint as we waited for the bus to come. The bus ride was a little bit awkward; my friends we’re glaring at me. I knew they hated Spike but why? He is such a sweetheart. They shouldn’t judge him because he smokes pot. I couldn’t wait to show him off, I could give a flying fuck what they think of him or me! Spike leaned over and asked if I would skip fourth with him and smoke some hash. I said yes. He kissed me long and hard and I could feel everyone’s eyes burning into me. I kissed him back with the same passion. We got to the school, Spike and I walked the halls holding hands. People stopped to stare, some people smiled; some turned their backs while others looked mad and gave us the finger. He walked me to my class, pulled me close and kissed me. In Spanish a girl named Lauren asked if Spike and I were dating, I smiled and said yes.
“Does he have any hot friends?” She asked.
“Yeah he does. Would you like me to introduce you guys?” I asked.
“That’d be cool if you did.”
“Well we’re all ditching fourth to smoke some hash if you want to come.”
“Okaii, I’ll go.”
We spent the rest of the class talking, getting to know each other. After third period we met up and made our way over to 7-11 where we met up with Spike who greeted me with a kiss. Levi started bitching; Spike pushed Levi and said, “Get the fuck inside the car and shut the hell up!” When we arrived we all got settled in the living room. Spike passed me the joint I took 3 puffs and handed it off to Lauren. We smoked two more joints before Spike and I went into to Jesse’s room and fucked. It was as good as the first time. Jesse said that we had to leave because he has business to take care of. Jesse brought Lauren and I back to my place. Before Jesse left he handed Lauren a joint. Once we were in my room Lauren said, “That was so fun. I think Levi likes me! You’re like the coolest girl I know. Can we hangout again?”
“Of course; I need another girl!” I said.
An hour later my mom stumbled down the stairs and said, “Honey I think it’s time for bed. Goodnight, I love you sweet child of mine” then she was gone. I burst out laughing, Lauren looked so confused.
“She said ‘I love you’ that bitch hates me. My parents are alcoholics, they don’t like me.” Lauren got up to give me a hug then she kissed my neck.
“Do you think they’d notice if we stole some of their booze?” she asked. I shook my head, and then we headed to the kitchen. I grabbed a 2 6 of raspberry vodka. We started drinking the vodka straight from the bottle; after we drank half of the bottle we lit up the joint and smoked it. It was a weird feeling being high and drunk but hey I couldn’t complain. I went to the bathroom and when I came back Lauren was lying on the floor. OMF! What do I do? Do I get my parents? call 911? Slap her? I tried the third one which did the trick. I lay down and went to bed. The next morning I woke up to my alarm clock screaming. I woke up Lauren and got ready for school. I told her I was skipping third and fourth if she wanted to join she could. On our way to school Levi called Lauren and told her to bring a girl who’s never been high so we could fuck her up. After Lauren got off the phone she told me the plan and I started laughing. Today is going to be so fucking fun. I can’t wait. When Lauren and I got to school we went to talk to Addison, the most popular girl in the school. We said, “There’s this college party and we can only bring one friend and since we wanted to stay on your good side we want you to come with us but you’ll have to skip third and fourth period.” She looked quite bored I was afraid she’d say no. but she just looked up at us again and said, “Fine, come find me later.” After she left we bursted out laughing we couldn’t help it, it was all too easy; just like her. When lunch ended we got our latest prey and walked towards 7-11. Lauren handed me a smoke, offered one to Addison she smiled sweetly and took one. She lit it up took a puff and started choking. Lauren and I had a hard time trying not to laugh. When we arrived at sev, Spike gave me a kiss and we got in the vehicle. Addison sat up front so she could hit on Jesse who could only smile because she was trying so hard. When we got closer to the house Lauren started laughing which got me laughing and soon the boys were laughing which made Jesse chuckle. Addison demanded to know what was so funny. Lauren just shook her head and said, “Inside joke sweetheart, don’t worry about it. “ We got in settled down in the house. Addison of course sat in between the two hot college guys. Jesse brought out 10 glasses of coke and rum. He said that 5 of them have a surprise. I ended up getting one with a surprise haha no surprise there. I began feeling something strange inside almost like a storm. My palms began to sweat and my whole body was tense then out of nowhere I started laughing so hard. I watched the roof make funny patterns, it looked so cool. I laid my head on Spikes lap and the roof shifted patterns and colors. All I did was think because when I talked I sounded funny. Everything around me was so beautiful and perfect. When Spike picked me up I felt so wonderful, it felt so unreal like a fairy tale in a magical world; my magical world. Tonight the sex was overwhelming; I’ve never felt so wonderful in my life. The next morning I asked Spike what that was he said it was LSD. I remembered Addison.
“How fucked up did Addison get?” I asked, with a devilish smile.
“Shit, that girl was so fucked up. She jumped off the deck into Jeff’s arms. Then he fucked her on the grass and she was psycho; you should see the scratches she left on his back.”
“Haha fucking rights.”
I leaned over and grabbed the bottle of R&R and chugged it handed the bottle to Spike. Then I grabbed my papers and some hash and rolled a joint. After we smoked it we had a quickie then we went to school. Addison came up to me and Lauren.
“What happened last night?” Addison asked.
“You had a little too much to drink last night. You thought you could fly. Then apparently you slept with Jeff,” I said, with a smile.
“Oh, I don’t remember that. Well we should do it again.”
Once she was out of sight we started laughing uncontrollably. After school we headed to Jesse’s who gave me a pink pearl flip and gave Lauren an iphone. He asked if we could sell some LSD for him on our way to the mall. He even gave us money for the dresses. By the time we made our way downtown we sold all the LSD. We entered a store called Uniquely You. Lauren found a blue dress that fell off her shoulders and low cut. My outfit is a two piece. The shirt is thinned strapped and laces down at the boobs. The skirt is short. They’re both black and pink. The guys are going to melt when they see us. Lauren was talking about what drug she wanted to try tonight. I was thinking hash but she’s hoping for heroin; I’m al little scared not going to lie. Heroin is supposed to be dangerous, but if that’s what we do tonight then I guess Imma find out first hand. Spike agrees that we should try heroin so Jesse went to go and get some from his dealer. Lauren and I got ready as we waited; we just finished putting on the finishing touches when Jesses comes in. When we came out Spike’s and Levi’s mouths both dropped. Jesse just smiled and said looking good girls giving us a kiss on the cheek. He started with Lauren slowly injecting her. She smiled and looked over at me. “Don’t worry baby, it doesn’t hurt,” She said, knowing my fear of needles. Jesse grabbed my arm and stuck the needle in. I could feel the cold substance go through my veins and it hit me instantly. I was drowsy and wonderfully soft. I felt as if I was floating above reality and in the mundane things was lost forever. I didn’t remember going to the dance. Today Lauren and I are going to sell some pot; Levi and Spike are coming as well. We were all standing out by 7-11 when a black Sudan drove past slowly. That’s when I saw the pistol; Levi grabbed me and pulled me back I heard the gun fire and a scream followed by screeching tires. Spike fell slowly to the ground I broke free of Levi’s grip and ran to Spikes side. I wept; my sobs we’re the only sound you could hear. I love Spike and now he’s dead, I took my shirt off and pressed it against the wound. I can’t believe Spikes dead. 10 minutes ago we were laughing and cuddling. Those stupid bastards are going to pay. I’m going to tear their fucking heads off. I put my head down on his chest and cried. I remember hearing “Never underestimate the power of a kiss.” So I pressed my lips against his, kissing him long and passionately. His eye’s fluttered open and I stopped. He took a breath and said, “I love you until the day I die Bella.” Then his body went limp. I tried everything, CPR, another kiss but nothing I did worked. I watched the ambulance drive away; I stood there in my bra crying. Levi put his arm around me, I pushed him away and started screaming and yelling, I wanted to hurt someone, to kill someone; to rip their heart out like I had mine ripped out of me and stomped on. I was freaking out, attacking everyone, yelling at everyone then of all of a sudden my eye sight went black, then red, then white and that was the last thing I saw. When I woke up I was staring at my roof. I glanced at the time and decided to take a shower. I started crying; I miss Spike so much I can’t believe he’s gone! He didn’t deserve it. I went upstairs and ate breakfast, but I puked it up. Mom says I should see a doctor and that she’d come so I booked an appointment for tomorrow. I called Lauren and she asked if I wanted to come get high on acid with her. I asked my mom who said yes. When I arrived I saw Levi who hugged me and said, “I forgive you.” I knew what he was talking about so I said, “Thanks.” I haven’t been high for a while so being high on acid was completely amazing. It was the grooviest trip I ever been on. I sat there watching the exoticness and magnificence of my left hand. I could see the muscles, the cells, the pores, and everything had its differences. Today I woke up and started crying. I was in so much pain; my stomach hurt, my heart hurt and my wrists hurt. I remember having an amazing trip last night but nothing else. I wish Spike was here to enjoy it, I can’t believe he’s really gone. Out of nowhere I hear honking then I remembered I had a doctor’s appointment. I wrote Lauren a note it said, I had fun last night, call me tonight love ya Bella. Then I got in the car. The wait for the doctor took forever; the Doc took 3 tests and said he’d call me. I asked mom to take me to Spike’s grave. I sat in front of it and placed a letter in the middle. I promised him I would try to give up drugs, I said I love you and always will. Then I walked away. I shut my cell off and curled up on the couch and watched thirteen. I dozed off into a deep sleep. I saw Spike, he was smiling he asked me to join him in heaven where we could be happy I smiled and took his hand but then he turned into his killer and held a pistol to my head and pulled the trigger. I woke up from the nightmare only to see its morning. The phone rang, it was the doctor. He told me I was pregnant and if I wanted an abortion today was the only day I could do it. I ran into the kitchen and told mom she had to take me to the clinic to get an abortion, she asked why I told her that I was drinking and smoking a lot when I was pregnant. She ended up taking me. I stared out the window. This baby could be addicted to hash, pot, LSD, or heroin killing it’s my only way out. I didn’t even realize I was crying. I’m such a fuck up! I can’t do anything right anymore. I gave myself up for Spike; he showed me a world with drugs, he got me pregnant and now he’s dead. If he were alive he would’ve made me keep it because it would’ve been our kid, our joy, our world. After the abortion I’m going to convince mom and dad that it’s best if we move. Everything I do or everywhere I go I’m reminded of Spike and drugs and I can’t have that any more. We sat there for 5 minutes before the nurse called us in and explained the procedure and soon it was over. On the way home I talked to mom about moving and she thinks it’s a wonderful idea. When I got home I started packing when I came across a bag of dexies. I took one and I was hyped up. I packed everything in my room that night so I went downstairs and packed up the living room by the time my parents woke up I had everything packed up now all they had to do was pack up their room. We sold our house to a lovely family and bought a house in Delaware. We we’re so tired by the time we got there. I took a dexie and slipped one in each of my parent’s drinks. We all became energetic and we unpacked our stuff and set it all up. Then I crashed and didn’t wake up for 2 days. Mom enrolled me into the high school twenty minutes away from our house. I’m actually looking forward to school tomorrow. I got to the school and went to my first class, no one bothered to talk to me which was fine because I really didn’t care. Second class was just as the first was. At lunch a hot guy came up to me and asked if I wanted to take a walk and I said, “Sure.” We made our way down a path to a bench. He sat down and pulled out a small bag with white powder in it. He lined it up with a bank card, he made two lines he sniffed the first one then passed me the straw, and I sniffed up my line. The coke burned but I welcomed the feeling. I never been high on coke before but he said for my first time I took it like a pro. The hot guy asked if I wanted to do it again tomorrow and I said yes. It became a routine. Every day at lunch Brad and I go sniff coke and tonight we’re going to a movie. After the movie we went back to his house for a line. After my line I go lay down on his bed, he follows. He took my hand I pulled away. He rolled on top of me pressing his lips hard against mine. He fought his way to get his tongue in my mouth. I started pushing him off of me but he grabbed my wrists and tied them to the bedpost. He ripped my pants off and undid my already torn shirt. He grabbed me so hard I screamed with pain. He fucked me so hard that I began crying in pain. He untied me and threw my clothes at me and said, “Get the fuck out.” I got dressed and then I saw a metal rod. I picked it up and threw it at him hitting him directly in the stomach. He doubled over in pain. I stole the coke and his keys. I ran to his car, gunned the engine and sped away. I left his car in an alley five blocks away. I ran to my bathroom crying. I started digging in the drawers I wrapped my hand around a box of single razors. I tore the box open and grabbed one. I set it against my wrist and cut. I didn’t stop until my wrist was covered in blood. I knelt down and fixed me a line of coke. I hid the coke under a loose floor board then went to bed. I woke up to my cell ringing. It was Lauren; she told me she was on her way to Delaware and she wanted to see me. I said she could spend a week here. I was so excited to see her all I did was sit on my bed and waited. When the doorbell rang I ran down the stairs and swung the door open. I was shocked when I saw Lauren; she was pale and extremely thin. I pulled her into a hug and she began crying. I led her to my room and sat her on my bed. I knelt in front of her and asked what happened.
She said, “When you left I had no one. Levi started beating me because I wouldn’t fuck him. One day his mom called me and said that he had hung himself in the basement. She said she had found a letter that said that he loved his parents and his girlfriend and that he never meant to hurt her. He couldn’t handle how many times he had hurt me so he killed himself. I moved to a small town where no one knew me. Then I met a guy named Bruce who introduced me to coke. I became addicted to it instantly. Bruce said I could have all the free coke I wanted and all I had to do in return to fuck him. At first it was a great idea but then he started introducing me to other guys and even girls. Each time I slept with someone I got one line of coke. I couldn’t do it anymore so I decided to leave. Bruce didn’t think it was a good idea so he started beating me after he was done with me I was put in the hospital. I didn’t see Bruce for a week so I thought that it was over but I was wrong oh was I ever wrong. When I got out he was waiting for me. He told me to get in the car so I did. We drove out to the middle of nowhere. Where we met up with 2 other guys and the three of them took turns raping me. I felt broken and alone. I began walking; I made it back to the town where I fainted. A little family found me and took me in. I got cleaned up and fed; they let me charge my phone. I said I was heading to Delaware to see a friend until I ran into Bruce. Andy said he’d by me a ticket if I promised to never come back. I promised then the next day I was on the bus. That’s when I called you and now here I am.” She walked to the window and asked about me.
I said, “I met a guy named brad who introduced me to coke. We got high everyday at lunch. We went to a movie one night after that we went to his house for a line of coke where he violently raped me. I hit him with a rod and stole his coke. Then I came home and began cutting myself.” She winced when I showed her the cuts; I got up and made 2 lines of coke, sniffed one and handed it off to her. She stood up and went back to the window. She looked out and said, “It must be nice to start over again and not have to think about the past.”
“I never forgot about Spike and our baby. I never forgot about you either honey, but being there was hard. I couldn’t do it. All I thought about was him and how he died. I want those bastards dead. I love Spike and want no one else but him. I will never be with anyone else until the day I die. “
“They caught the guys who killed him, it’s over baby girl.”
“They should’ve killed them! They don’t deserve it.”
“Jails better; this way they can never forget what they have done.” I started crying when she said this. Lauren grabbed me by the waist and led me to the kitchen where we made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I haven’t eaten anything in so long; it tasted like heaven to me. We decided to go shopping, on our way back we ran into Brad. Lauren saw the look on my face and decided to go have a talk with him. He told her to shut up, Lauren laughed and said, “I ain’t afraid of a fucking pussy.” Brad raised his fist and she was quick to grab it, twisting it until Brad cried out with pain. On our way to the house she told me that she became stronger and she learned to protect herself after Bruce. I couldn’t help but to feel bad for her. When we got home my mom came out and starts bitching at me for not letting her know where I was going. I could smell the liquor on her breath. She took a drink of whatever was in the bottle.
“Where’s dad?” I asked.
“Where the fuck do you think?” she said. She looked over in Laurens direction. “What the fuck are you doing here?” I thought I’d never have to see your slutty ass again.”
I could see it hurt Lauren. “Shut your damn mouth,” I said to mom.
“Go jump off a fucking bridge,” mom said. I swear if she could have her way I’d be dead. I grabbed Lauren by the arm and brought her up to my room. I fixed four lines of coke, sniffed my two and handed her the straw. Lauren said I looked sick, I told her I was fine; but the truth is I haven’t eaten anything in a while. I couldn’t tell her all I could think of was Spike and our baby. I went to bed not long after that because I didn’t want to talk about it. I wake up at 9: 30 in the morning to go to the bathroom, when I got to the door I saw Lauren lying there with a bottle of open sleeping pills. I grabbed my cell and called 911, I knew they wouldn’t be able to do anything. She was dead, you could see the lips had a tint of a blue and her skin was pale, when I touched her skin it was cold like ice. I sat by Lauren and cried. First Spike, then the baby, then Levi and now Lauren. Who’s going to be next? Mom? Dad? Me? I can’t believe Lauren would kill herself. The paramedics came in and put Lauren in a black bag. My tears turned onto sobs as I watched him zip the bag over her face. I ran out behind them, I stood there watching the ambulance drive away. Memories came flooding back, it’s been nearly a year since Spike’s death but I can still remember me standing there in my bra as a watched the ambulance drive away, tears soaked my face. I can still hear the gun fire and Spike’s last scream. The last words he said to me before he died still float around in my head; they follow me everywhere I go, taunting me. Now here I stand watching the ambulance taking away Lauren. My tears streaking my face, soaking my cheeks. I couldn’t stop; my shoulders started shaking with every sob. I fell to my knees and cried out to God, to the world. I finally made my way back into the house; slowly I climbed my stairs and walked into my bathroom. I grabbed the razor, I set it against my wrist and slid it across my skin, and I could already feel myself relax. Another cut and then another. I could feel the warm blood travel down my arm but I didn’t care, I couldn’t stop so I kept cutting and cutting. The pain that came from cutting hid the pain that was in my heart, I got away from the heartache, and I couldn’t handle it. I set the razor down and began crying. I just can’t take all this shit anymore. Spike, my baby, Levi and Lauren, they’re all dead. Why me? Why? I just don’t get it. I must’ve fallen asleep in the bathroom. When I woke up I saw my mom leaning over me crying. I have never seen her cry, not once. I blinked twice and whispered, “Mom, I’m sorry.” She didn’t look at me; she didn’t say anything she just sat there crying and staring at my arm. I grabbed her hand and squeezed it which brought her attention to me. She whispered, “Why Bella? Who do this to yourself? Why cause yourself so much pain?” I looked at her and said,” it’s better than facing in the pain in my life. I couldn’t handle it anymore and the coke didn’t help like it used to.” My mom looked lost.
“Coke? Honey what do you mean?”
“It’s a long story that I’d rather tell after I get cleaned up,” I said.
My mom stood up and said, “Okay meet you downstairs.” I slowly striped taking each piece of clothing of, trying to stall the upcoming talk as much as I could. I turned the water on and stood under the water. Letting the hot water explore every part of my body. The feeling of the searing pain as the water ran over each cut, the sensation of it all was incredible; the pain was like something I never felt almost unbearable. I didn’t want to get out but like every cut or high the pain goes away. Soon the cuts became bearable to the water which meant it was time to get out. I looked in the mirror and was disgusted with what I saw. I was skinny and pale; I was fragile, like glass. My eyes had sunken into my face. I had black circles around my eyes as if someone had punched me in the eyes over and over again. You could see the dark cuts across my wrist. It was a horrible sight. I quickly ran the brush through my hair and put my house coat on. I made my way downstairs. Taking time on each step hoping I won’t fall and break something. I walked into the kitchen and sat down. My mom brought two cups of coffee to the table; she put one in front of me then sat in the chair beside me.
“I know I haven’t been a good parent,” she said.
“You haven’t been a parent at all,” I said, immediately regretting it; I could see how much it hurt her, but it is the truth. We sat in silence for a minute before she looked at me and said “are you ready?” I looked at her and said, “I’ll never be ready.” But I began to talk anyway. I started with the first day of school. I went to Spikes to get high and then we slept together. After that night we started dating. Jesse, Spike’s older brother who is a major drug dealer. “We started smoking hash, we didn’t think we’d get into any of the hard drugs but one night we brought over Addison and we all tried LSD, we got pretty fucked up that night. I never got addicted, yeah we’d do it every now and then but it wasn’t my favorite high. The night of the dance Lauren thought we should try heroin so we did and it was fun. That night was the first night Lauren and I started selling. Heroin became a daily routine, but again I wasn’t addicted, I could stop anytime. Then we started injected liquid acid that became my first addiction. When Spike died I couldn’t believe it, I was heartbroken. I loved him with all my heart and I didn’t think I could live without him. That night when I went to Lauren’s we got high on acid again and It was high I never wanted to get off of, when I found out I was pregnant I knew that if I had the baby it could have been addicted to some kind of drug that was being used daily. That day when I went to Spike’s grave I promised myself I wouldn’t touch drugs again. When we moved I figured it’d be easy but the first day of school Brad introduced me to coke which became my second addiction. We did it daily; one night after a movie we went back to Brad’s where he brutally raped me. I knocked him out, stole his coke and car. That was the same night I started cutting to. The next day Lauren came here and I was so happy to see her but she looked ill like deathly ill. I was so scared for her. She went through a lot. Her boyfriend had killed himself because he became abusive to her and couldn’t handle hurting her anymore so he thought she would be better off without him so he hung himself in his basement where is mom found him. She moved away and just like me got hooked on coke. She in the end got gang raped by her dealer and his friends. When I found Lauren in the bathroom dead, I freaked out. She was my best friend, she was my sister. It was hard. I weakened and cut. I did it over and over again. I passed out and that’s when you found me mom.” By the time I finished she was crying. Tears soaked her sleeves from trying to dry her eyes but only fresh tears sprang.
“Through that whole thing, I never knew. I was too busy drinking my life away. I hated being sober it reminded me of what a bad mother I was so I drank. I hurt you Bells, I caused this. I could’ve stopped you or tried to. But I let you go, I let you slip away. I’m such a terrible mother! I don’t deserve to have you! Honey, would you consider going to a counselor? Maybe even Rehab?”
“I’ll go to counseling but I would rather kill myself then go to rehab.”
“Right, we’ll take it one step at a time. I’ll make an appointment. We’ll both go to counseling. Promise me you won’t do drugs anymore, and I will promise to never touch a bottle of alcohol again.”
We spent the rest of the day cleaning out all the liquor and drugs from the house. After we finished we cuddled up on the couch and watched intervention. I began to cry uncontrollably knowing this was my life and I needed help. Mom held me close to her, petting my hair. “It’s going to be okay honey,” repeating it over and over again.
It’s been a month since the day I came clean to my mom. Both of us have kept our promises. I haven’t touched a single drug and she hasn’t drank a single drop of alcohol. I’m proud of us; we have really turned our lives around. She’s even allowing me to go to the library by myself. As I make my way to the library a guy approaches me and pulls out a pistol, pointing at my face. I was scared, but I didn’t cry nor did I beg for mercy. I just stood there waiting, I knew that everyone dies someday I figured it’s my turn. I closed my eyes and say Spike he was holding our baby, it’s a girl. I would’ve had a beautiful baby girl. Spike held out his hand, I reached for it but something jolted me out of it. The guy had lowered the gun and was holding me by the hair. He looked at me with hatred, he said, “You shouldn’t have fucked over Brad you fucking cunt. Your life is over bitch. Brad has something he’s like to say. If you struggle or cry for help, I’ll blow your fucking head off.” Brad shoved me violently to the ground. He ripped my pants off and began raping me. Memories of the first time he did came flooding back. Brad fucked me harder than the first time. I begin crying silently. I didn’t dare to cry out in pain, fearing my death, I couldn’t die like this. Brad got up and started kicking me in the ribs over and over again. The man laughs as him and brad walk away. I lay here trying to catch my breath. Every breath and movement hurt. I slowly got up making my way home painfully. I get into the house; I go straight to my dad’s study. I search every draw until my hands came across my dad’s pistol. I check to see if its full then I found a pen and paper.
Dear mom and dad.
I never meant for it to end like this.
But now I see it’s the only way out of this pain filled hell.
Mom this isn’t your fault, I love you. Please keep the promise you made.
I’ll see you in a better place.
I set the note on the desk. I closed my eyes and waited until I saw Spike and our baby again. Spike holds out his hand and smiles. I reach for his. I bring the gun to my mouth and counted 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 and pulled the trigger.