I was 13 the first time I attempted suicide, I tied a rope in the tree in my backyard and tried to hang myself, but I was too scared to go through with it, I somehow prevented myself from dying.
Three months after, I tried again, climbing as high as I could in that tree and jumping, I had both arms broken and my left leg busted.
A year later I got a little ballsy after a few drinks and i stabbed myself in the chest, trying to rupture my heart or lungs.
For some reason I never cut, never tried to shoot myself, I wanted to die but not mutilate myself.
At fourteen I started drinking and smoking, I became an adrenaline junky. I figured if I can't kill myself my lifestyle will. I almost died of liver failure.
If I am arrested again I get sent to a military school until I'm emancipated. I've been arrested for consumption, I've been in fifty two fights, won roughly half, I have scars, I always hated myself, hated who I was, who I may become. I developed stage one skitzo and fell in with a few criminals.
Today I have thrown out the smokes, alcohol, and began self therapy. Amazingly I've found a girl who loves me, and who I was a total jackass to when I drank. I still cry, I cry because I know no matter what I do I can never repay those tears she shed over what I said and did. I cry because I never deserved her, I will never deserve her. I also cry for everything I've done in an attempt to end my own life.
After all I've done, I don't feel like I deserve anyone's forgiveness, her's or even my own family's. When I pray I ask for the strength to face the people I've wronged and apologize, but I never can, and I have the nerve to ask her out, I'm not worth the air she walks through, let alone her love.
Signed A repentious sinner who wishes he was a better man
And if you're reading this sweetheart, I love you, so much.
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