I'm a Sociopath. Thats what they call people like me. Scary word isn't it? Sociopath. Brings to mind murder and rape and hideous crimes. And you're right, its not as if we aren't capable of those sorts of things. But lets be honest. If we DID commit such crimes. Who would we have left to adore us?
Because thats one thing we love. Being loved I mean. We like people to think we are the complete and utter dogs bullocks. We can do no wrong. We are just...amazing. Unfortunately, in my experience anyway, that adoration doesn't last for long. It doesn't take much time before the people who adore us begin to see through our exterior and suddenly our best friend becomes our worst enemy. Because being seen for what we really are...thats when we can truly become scary.
Manipulation. Lying. Cheating. Coercion....all tools used with no remorse. Anything will be done to get to the ends we wish for. Unfortunately when someone has seen through our charming mask, and they see the beast inside ourselves, there is no going back. Once seen never unseen.
I guess I better tell you a bit of my backstory. To put you into the loop. It starts when I was around 7 years old.
I always loved being loved. I would perform for my family and they would clap and cheer and I would be the most adored person in that singular moment. I think thats where it started. See Sociopathy is theorised to be different to Psychopathy in one way, the most common theory is that Psychopathy is an inborn thing, whereas Sociopathy is an developed through environmental causes. There may be some genetic basis to make someone more likely to develop into Sociopathy, but generally its thought its a behaviour caused by experiences throughout the lifespan.
The addiction I began to develop to the adoration of others led me into Performing Arts, becoming the funny characters in the shows. My confidence grew and with it my ability to make people laugh, which I found made me feel even more amazing. Yup thats right, we have the capacity to be funny. We can have a sense of humor. In fact its probably tantamount. If we want to be the centre of attention, sometimes the easiest way for that is to become funny.
My attention seeking didn't end there. When I was 15 I fell in "love" with a girl, a girl who I thought was "The One" and when the relationship broke up (Because I cheated on her with a guy then admitted it) I got angry and carved I Hate and then her initials into my arm, this is something I then realised gave me attention. A different kind, but attention all the same. Then started my relationship with negative attention seeking.
Self harm became a way to get attention and make people do what I wanted them to do, as did "suicide attempts" which were never actually serious enough to put me into hospital, but I used peoples good natures against them by admitting I "attempted suicide" . In order to get the sympathy and attention that came with it. I felt powerful. For the first time in my life.
Now I'm going to describe some aspects of my personality you may find to be abhorrent. You may think they are hideous aspects of what makes up "me" but...its just who I am. And the whole point of this is to try and give you an insight into the mind of someone who is Sociopathic.
My first thought when meeting someone new, is almost on a subconscious level. Usually its something along the lines of "What can I get from you, that makes you worth my time?" and if they appear to have nothing to offer me I will drop them like they are nothing. If on the other hand they appear to leave me some leeway I will take complete advantage of that. And I mean complete advantage.
Money and sex is the most common thing I'm looking for in a person. But emotional support and someone to feed my massive ego is also very welcome. And when someone who I find useful becomes disenchanted by me the manipulation and coercion comes out. Usually by this point though its too late. So I end up losing the person I found useful. That to me is a friend, someone who can be useful to me.
I was once known to state that I want one of my relatives to die in order to get a house, because its easier than me attempting to get one. And I meant it. My relatives are not particularly useful to me, they do not provide me with anything of substance. So if someone died and left a house to me, they would be once more useful. Callous isn't it? But its how I see the world.
Another important part of my drive in life is sex. I know most guys would probably suggest something similar but I'm on a whole different level. Its something I think about a lot. I have had sexual encounters with a lot of my close female friends due to my ability to manipulate situations and be a charming individual. I will do anything to get sex, and in the past I have done, and have been able to manipulate the situation into sounding like I was in the right and they were in the wrong.
The old jokey saying "She was saying no but her body was saying yes" Was exactly how I lost my virginity. She said no numerous times and still I went ahead. Years later I warped this happening in my past to make it sound like she was in the wrong. You may think thats terrible. And maybe from your point of view it is. I simply changed what actually happened to saying she had sex with me when she was drunk, then accused me of raping her afterwards because she had a fiancée and didn't want to get in trouble. This I feel shows you an amazing insight into our capabilities.
The ability to manipulate in order to get what we want can further be shown by the fact 2 of my major relationships have occured by manipulating them away from their boyfriends who they were unhappy with, by proving I could be so much better for them.
And the best part about it is? Being a sociopath, you don't actually care about ruining anyones relationships. It doesn't affect you in the slightest so why should you care? This lack of guilt or remorse is what makes up a Sociopath, without it you cannot Be one. Without guilt you can do anything you want without caring how it might affect the other person.
So when I say to someone when they first meet me, as a subtle manipulation technique, "I will either be your best friend or your worst enemy" they never know how much truth is in it.
Want to be friends with me yet?
In films, we are murders and rapists. In real life we are just like you, but more likely to succeed because we don't have things standing in our way, like laws or rules. The sad fact of the matter is, being emotionally shallow and manipulative works in this world. Maybe we are more highly evolved, that is one theory. Or maybe we are whats wrong in society. Or maybe everyone should be like us. Look out for ourselves. But then I guess, that'd leave less opportunity to create victims out of friends.
For now I'm in therapy, dealing with my "problems" hoping that someday I'll be able to love. Truly love. Not take everything I can take without thought.
Maybe one day they will fix me. So I will no longer be The Sociopath.