Hey there! You don’t quite understand who I am, do you?
You see a girl with a smile on her face, a girl with a bright future. With perfect grades, a girl who is musically talented. Who dreams big, but even though people try to stop her, she still dreams.
That person is an act. Crazy right? I mean I seem so normal, how can I be...different.
It starts with you. You, in first grade, ignored me. Or called me ugly. Or told me something that I knew I hated about myself.
I grew up believing that. I grew up believing that I will never ever be good enough for anyone. That no one will be able to make me feel like the moon or sun was something they built for me.
I never have had someone to hug me and tell me it’s okay, when I’m feeling down. I never had.. anyone.
I was all alone in a big empty house filled with fighting and tears, screaming and hitting us when we were bad.
We just wanted to have fun. We just wanted play time, but you hurt us with your paddle and hitting our bottoms till we felt no pain except the emotional bruises.
I grew up with a bad eyesight. Not a big deal right? Except.. I was the only one. The only one with the frames around my eyes. No one liked me. I tried to make friends but no one wanted to be around me.
I asked people if they would be my friend and no one did. I went to be friends with the popular people of my school, but I wasn’t good enough. I was too “ugly.” I wasn’t important. I could disappear and no one would notice.
So now we go onto now. I’m a depressed teenager who cries non-stop and always has the urge to cut herself. I have shakiness in my hands, probably low blood sugar, I’m going through counseling, I’m suicidal and I have no one. My parents act like they try to help but they don’t.
They are like those clumsy kids when you are trying to build a really high tower out of dominos or blocks, and they try to help but they just end up knocking it all down. What are you left with when that happens?
Broken, shattered, pieces.
People say I push people away. Why do I do that you ask? It’s to protect myself. To not let anyone in, because if you do, they hurt you. They use your weaknesses against you and you can’t do anything about it when they do.
I-I have never actually had hugs before. So when one of my best friend’s gave me one, I didn’t know how to do it. I never have.
I.. I just kind of sat there not knowing if I’m supposed to wrap my arms around their neck or waist or what. I have seen plenty of hugs in movies before but I never really have received any before.
So what do you do, when counseling doesn’t work and you still have a teenager who thinks she’s ugly, fat, stupid, not good enough, and wants to kill herself?
You don’t know. You think it’s your fault.
It’s not. It’s the demons inside her head that constantly remind her what a waste of space she is. And there is nothing you can do to change that.