Progress Is Never-Ending
It’s 2 AM and I’m still awake. That’s just me, always waiting for something. For what? I honestly haven’t got the slightest idea. It’s crazy how sometimes I feel so sure of myself then only seconds later comes such a deep sense of confusion. With only so many emotions a heart can hold, it seems like confusion is the only word broad enough to properly sum up where I am at this point in my life.
I can tell that things are looking up. Maybe I’ve finally reached that light at the end of the dark tunnel, the light everyone told me I would find someday. There’s no possible way I could ever go down a tunnel quite so dark again, and there’s no possible way that things could go back to the way they were only a year ago. I guess you could say that is the source of my confusion.
It’s almost as if so much has taken place in these past twelve months that even still I haven’t been able to take it all in. There are so many feelings I’ve expressed, so many tears I’ve shed, so much I’ve lost and too much emotional and physical pain to inhale within only one short breath. It’s simply too complicated to explain, yet as I see it all turning to an end I feel as if there’s still so much more to come from all this. I don’t think I’ll ever stop learning from what I’ve experienced in the past, and maybe I’d be just that more confused if I wasn’t.
I stare into the mirror, my light brown eyes sprinkled with hints of green staring back at me-- and each day I notice something different. I learn something new about myself, about the new person I’ve become. For someone who is reluctant towards change, it seems a bit out of character when I’m actually quite pleased with a new piece of knowledge that has come into perspective about myself. Then on the other side, come those times when I just want the new Brooke to come back. She was the girl whose smile could light up a room, whose sense of humor cracked a laugh out of even those who appeared to be made of stone, and the characteristic that truly put the icing on the cake: her genuine glow of happiness. She wants it back. I want it back, I want it more than anything I’ve ever wanted before. At times it even seems like just as I’ve got it grasped in the palm of my hand, ever so tightly, it just slips away. It’s something that stays for a little while and just when I sense a feeling of sweet perfection, almost too good to be true, it decides to leave.
Will I ever be able to grasp my idea of permanent happiness again? It is yet another question to add onto my list of many, a list that I don’t think will ever end. It seems as if nothing can really reach it’s true ending. With death comes the aftermath that is heaven and possibly only the beginning of life, with an ending to an important event or situation come the memories that will stay with you, just like with what happened to me come my thoughts and feelings along with the change in myself that will be with me forever.
I can’t say that I haven’t wished for things to go back to the way they used to be, for the old Brooke to come back and for the new one to magically disappear, and to erase every memory of any traumatizing experience from my mind. Of course I’ve wished for every single one of those things, and at times so much more. Then a part of the new Brooke chimes in, a part I like. It is the part of me that is not only able to some extent accept imperfection, but even to embrace it.
The idea of the perfect girl who has everything is far fetched, not to mention simply impossible. The imperfections in my life are what have made me a better person. I never knew how strong I was until it was the only choice I had, I’ve been able to understand people and situations much better than most, given the fact that I was, and at times still am, so misunderstood by others, and most importantly for me, I feel like I’ve been able to find out so much more about myself than ever before because it was the first time I’d truly been lost.
I feel like I’m making it seem so simple, having to grow up faster than most who are my age. Another idea that maybe this is far from perfect, and imperfection can still be a scary concept for me. After all, I am a virgo, and ever since I was little I'd strived for perfection. Still, as I am thirteen,no matter how hard I try, I can never seem to get it right. Maybe my good will never be good enough, and while there is already a list of people who have told me it wasn’t, I just want someone to tell me that it is. I want someone to tell me I am good enough for them. Maybe someday they will, but for now it remains plastered on my list of what I still haven’t learned.
Now all I can do is wait. For what? I honestly haven’t got the slightest idea, and as my clock reaches 4 am my feelings remain the same as they were two hours ago. In the back of my mind I know things will change someday. Things have already changed enough. Then again, maybe that’s what I’ve been waiting for all this time, for more to come because nothing truly has an ending.