I can't believe it's finally happening. Adrian asked me to be his today, an amazing guy like him wanting to be with an outcast like me. God is finally giving me a blessing. He's sweet, caring, and oh so attractive. The way he swoops his hair gives my shivers. Those eyes look past everything about me and see into my soul, he craddles my spirit in his soft but firm hands. I hope I don't mess it up, I'm completely his <3
I read these words as tears fill my eyes. Adrian was once caring and gentle with me, but it's one month later and everything has changed. The gentleness has turned to violence, but I just can't leave him. He's promised me that we'll get married as soon as we're 18. No one else loves me. He's even trying to help me cope. He encourages my eat disorder so that I like myself more and he is more attracked to me. He also encourages my cutting, he says its okay for me too. But he also says I deserves both..... Also that I've been asking for him to hurt me.... but that's okay, isn't it?
I'm supposed to meet him at my brother's car tomorrow. He said he had a surprise for me. Maybe he's changing, maybe he's going to apologize for everything and it'll all be okay. I hope... but I don't deserve to have an apology. I don't please him enough. Just some of the things he wants me to do I'm not comfortable with, but if I want to keep him then I need to tough it out.
* * *
The air is cold and I stand outside, leaning against my brother, Ben's, car. I know that I should go inside. I forgot my jacket today. I'm supposed to be in after school care, but I don't want to disobey Adrian. That could lead to a lot of pain. The woman is to obey every order her man gives her; atleast that's what Adrian says, why would he lie to me? I guess I'll just keep waiting, he'll be here soon.
Fifteen minutes later he finally appears. I see his big hoodie and am jealous. The school uniforms aren't exactly warm. I smile and meet him half way and hug him around his waist. He hugs me back a little too tight, but I don't say anything. He lets go and takes my hand and leads me to the car. He opens the door, I smile and assume it's for me, but he slides in first. Oh well, he hasn't opened a door for me since the first week we were together.
I close the door after I get in and smile. "So what's the suprise?" I ask eagerly. "Just wait a few minutes and you'll see." he gives me one of his half smiles. "Now, first do something for me." he says, his tone now very serious, "Take your shirt off." I look at him confused, "But, baby, it's freezing." He gives me a look full of anger. "Do as I say." he almost whispers flatly. I lower my head and do as he asks, thankful I have a tanktop on underneath. Even though it's thin, it's something.
"I thought I told you not to wear those anymore." He points at my tanktop. "I'm sorry, I won't do it anymore. It's just been so-" he cuts me off, "Do I care? NO excuses. You're lucky I'm in a merciful mood or you would be getting your suprise. Now take off your skirt." I do as he asks, revealing my shortest shorts that I only wear under my skirt. Adrian grins and pulls me close to him and starts kissing me.
I feel his hand against my breast. His hands are cold, but I don't reset. He shoves his tongue down my throat, keeping me from breathing for a few moments. I pull away and gasp, trying to take oxygen back into my lungs. As I do this he laughs. I know he isn't laughing with me, but at me. "Come back here." He pulls me harshly into his lap and starts kissing my neck. I don't understand why he is doing this, I don't really like it, but it makes him happy so I let him. "Ow!" I cry out. "You bit me." I say, wanting to make him stop. He does it again. "Shut up." he says, not trying to hide the rage in his voice, "I'll tell you when you can speak." I nod silently.
Adrian pushes me off him into the seat next to his. I wince. I look at him but he isn't looking at me, he's looking at my bare legs. He places his hand on my thigh and rubs it. I watch his hand move up my thigh. "No, don't" I try to push his hand away but he's a lot stronger than me. He forces my arm down by my side and presses me violently against the door. I can't move.
I watch helplessly as he puts his hand down my shorts. "Please, stop. I don't like it." I mumble through tears. "Be quiet." he says at me, not to me, but at me like one would a dog. He rubs me down there for what feels like forever. "You keep saying no, but your body is saying yes." He laughs evily.
I don't understand what I'm feeling, but I hate it. I feel powerless. I cry and look out the window. I feel him put his finger inside of me and I get a surge of strength. I pull my arms out and shove him away with everything I have. I at once regret it. "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry..." I curl up and cover my face. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, BITCH!" Adrian yells at me. He grabs me by my hair and pushes my face against the crotch of his jeans. "Put your mouth on it. Now." He says. I cry harder. "You bitch, stop crying, you're staining my jeans. Wrap your mouth around it." I don't; big mistake.
"You're mine." Adrian says as he pulls my head up by my hair and face me towards him. "You do what I say. There are plenty of girls who would love to be where you are right now. Do you want me to leave you?" I look away from him. "LOOK AT ME." I look up into his eyes that burn into my heart. "Answer me." he says quietly. "No, please don't leave me." I beg. "Then you're going to put your mouth on my cock." Just as he starts to unzip his pants the panic goes off on the car. "Damn it." he mutters. "I'm not done with you. Go to the junior lockers tomorrow right after school. Do you understand?!" I nod and wipe away the tears. "Good."
Adrian gets out of the car on the opposite side of the way Ben is coming and makes a run for it. Lucky for him, he's fast so Ben doesn't try to go after him. He opens my door and looks at me as if he's in pain. "Come on, why don't you ride up front. I'll let you choose the music." I step out of the car and make my way to the passenger seat. After I we both get in Ben shrugs off his coat and hands it to me, I put it on gratefully. We don't say a word the entire ride home. Instead we let Lady Gaga's voice fill the car and cover up the sound of my sobs.
I'm forever in debt to my brother for not telling my parents what happened. They are used to me coming home crying any way because of how much I'm bullied. Who knew sixth grade could double as hell.
* * *
"What took you so long?" Adrian says to me impatiently. "Mrs.Rodgers wanted to talk to me after class. I'm sorry I'm late." I lower my head as I stand before him. He raises my head with one finger and looks deep into my eyes. "You know I love you." he whispers and kisses my forehead. "I know, I love you too." I smile at him, but it doesn't stay long as he says, " But you know you have to pay for yesterday." My eyes droop and I whisper, "Yes, I know..."He gives a smile grunt and grabs my arms much too tightly and slams me against the wall. I cry out in pain. "Shut up." Adrian mumbles as he presses his thumb into the base of my throat, keeping air from entering my lungs. "Do you understand now? Do you understand that I am your master. You are my slave. You do everything I say no matter what."
I wish I could answer him, but my eyes start to roll back in my head. He lets go and I fall to the ground. He kneals infront of me and and grabs my arm and pulls down my wrist band, revealing my cuts. I'm still dazed so I can't pull away. "Is that it?" he laughs. "Pathetic. You better increase this tonight or I'll help you do it." I can finally can move my head and I look at him, stunned by what he just said. He stands up and offers me his hand. I take it and he pulls me up. I lean against him and rest my head on his chest. Just as I start to relax he grabs my shoulders and slams me even harder into the lockers
He has done this before, but this time my spine hit where the handle of the locker sticks out. It feels like someone stabbed me. I cry out in pain and fall to the floor, colapsing into a heap. I can't move, the pain paralizes me. "I think you've learned your lesson. I'll see you tomorrow. Meet me here again and hopefully you won't do anything to piss me off before then or I might have to become more extreme." With that him walked down the hall, leaving me alone and helpless.
Once I'm home I pull out my phone and see and text from Adrian. Hey honey I read and tears enter my eyes. Hello my love. I reply. I know it'll be three minutes exactly before he replies, so I sit on the side of my bed and wait. Sure enough after I count to 180 my phone vibrates with a text from him. btw we're having sex as soon as you turn 17. I look confused at this message. hahaha, do i get a say in this? I hope that he's joking. No. i'll rape you if you say no. My heart breaks.
The conversation continues. Adrian tells me about the future we have together that I have no say in. Things like if I get pregant he'll leave me. If I deprive him of sex he'll leave me. If I try to leave him he'll beat me. I have no way out. So I sit on my bed and cry, harder than I ever have after he tells me how we will make a living. He tells me that he will sell me to his friends, let them take me for the night. He tells me that we'll make plenty of money that way. I tell him that I don't want to.... his reply is 'too bad'.
* * *
Now 3 years later, I still wake with nightmares of being raped. Of his face. My back still hurts from where the locker bruised my back whenever I think about him. Every time I feel emotional pain, my spine feels broken. As I write this story the pain increases, but I want my story known. Even though a girl can be a mere 12 years old, she can know pain that many will never experience. Pain does not aviod the young, but the devil preys on them like a hungry wolf on a lamb. Too many lambs are hurt beyond repair....like the lamb writing these words.